Posts by oriyanh

oriyanh

Oct 11, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

Hi guys, I've been hanging about lurking around here for a while, and I finally decided to make an appearance.
I'm applying to several colleges, but first and foremost to Stanford, and have been having a hard time with some of the essays. I was hoping you guys might be able to assist me in reviewing/rewriting/editing what I have written so far. I will try and review the essays of those who give me feedback, though right now I am a bit swamped with studying for Subject Tests...

I'll start with one from the Stanford Supplement, with a topic I find the most irksome of them all:

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (max 250 words)
(I can't help but write this essay boringly... any idea how to spice this one up?)

Watching Great Barrier Reef documentaries as a 6 year old; Snorkling with my dad at 10; And swimming with dolphins in the Eilat Bay had already made me intrigued by the ocean & sea life. At the age of 18 I even went as far as joing the Israeli Navy. However, I never imagined myself making a career in marine sciences, until I participated in a scuba diving course rewarded to me for being the division's Outstanding Soldier.

[...]

oriyanh

Oct 12, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

Thank you, those are great pointers. I started writing a draft and should be able to finish it by tomorrow. I will post it here once I finish.

oriyanh

Oct 13, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

I made a *very* rough draft, trying to stick with the guidelines you gave me.. it's super long now (405 words) , but that's a barrier I can overcome. I just hope the essay is more coherent now and flows better:

As I spat in my diving mask, rubbing it with my fingers to prevent it from fogging, I felt excitement at what was about to transpire. "On the count of 3, empty your stabilizers and sink!" Repeated the diving instructor. Trying not to shake from the freezing cold, I waited for the countdown, and when it finally came I emptied my BCD and immersed myself, forgetting all about the cold.

[...]

oriyanh

Oct 14, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

It's good to know I'm finally on track :) I've been struggling with this essay most of all, other than the Roommate Essay (I'll get to it eventually, hopefully before Early Action deadlines..). I'm very grateful for your help :)

I'm not sure I understood exactly what you meant by merging it with the other parts/combined essays.. are you referring to the other essays on the Stanford supplement, or other versions of this essay specifically?

Time-wise, I can post it here by tomorrow evening (U.S. morning I believe)

oriyanh

Oct 15, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

Okay Louisa, understood :)
I gathered what I could from earlier versions (though it wasn't much because they were all pretty bad) and constructed what I believe to be a much improved essay... I also cut down some 100 words from the earlier draft, though I'm still at 311 words, so some serious evisceration needs to be done... hahaha

Here it is:
As I spat in my diving mask to prevent it from fogging, I shook both from the freezing waters and from excitement at what was about to transpire - my first dive! "Start emptying your stabilizers!" shouted our diving instructor. I emptied my BCD, felt the water enveloping my head, and started sinking. Soon enough my shaking had been replaced by something else..

[...]

oriyanh

Oct 15, 2014

Undergraduate / The Garage and HiBay- Common App [5]

I really like the first one - I can feel that you have a very personal connection to that place, it sounds very genuine. Expanding more about WHY it makes you content and HOW is important, and the following paragraphs should focus more on that.

Are you applying for any other schools that require additional essays? Maybe you should keep one of those stories for another essay, they both sound very interesting, and it'd be a waste to throw away good ideas. That way you could prepare a more complete application, showing more sides of your personality and experiences.

oriyanh

Oct 16, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

As I spat in my diving mask to prevent it from fogging, I shook both from the freezing waters and from excitement at what was about to transpire. "Start emptying your stabilizers!" shouted our diving instructor. Emptying my BCD, I felt the water enveloping my head, and started sinking. Soon enough my shaking had been replaced by something entirely different...

When I turned 18, I enlisted in the Israeli Navy. Having watched coral reef documentaries and snorkling in the Red Sea at early ages, I was always fascinated by the ocean, hence joining the Navy seemed logical. There, however, I lamented that my duties brought me so close to the water's surface yet never able to explore beneath it. In my third year of service, I was honored as the division's Oustanding Soldier and awarded a free scuba diving course, making me eager to take advantage of this chance I was given.

On that first dive, as I was immersing myself in the water, I was taken over by a sense of wonder; I began asking myself "Why is that school of fish circling a turtle? Why is that trigon buried in sand?", yet I lacked the knowledge neccesary to answer these questions. Deciding to find out more, I purchased McGraw Hill's Marine Biology - the book laid a whole new world before me and had me anxious to go back in the water and start making discoveries.

Since then many moons have passed; I learned all about therhmohaline circulation, about cnidarians and radial symmetry, and much more, yet I'm still unable to satisfy my hunger for answers. Grateful for the opportunity given to me by the Navy, I'm happy to have discovered both marine biology and scuba diving, for taking that first step on my way to become a marine scientist.

302 words. It's very different from what I originally wrote, practically changed every word, but thanks to you it's much, much better.
I think the transition between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs is more natural now, but it's still not perfect. What do you think?
The fourth paragraph is much better now.
I fixed up some minor grammar issues in the rest of essay, nothing major.

oriyanh

Oct 16, 2014

Undergraduate / I wish to become an entrepreneur. I have the needed initiative - NU application essay [5]

I think the first sentence should start with a hook, a sentence to grab the attention of the reader. You have everything you need in the body of the first paragraph, maybe a little bit of rephrasing and rearranging can help - maybe begin with elaborating about the people you served with and how they influenced you, and THEN connect it to why Northwestern attracts and moves you.

For example:
During my army service, I was surrounded by the best and brightest minds that Israel has to offer and endured intricate tasks which required strenuous thinking and collaborative work with my peers. That intellectual atmosphere helped me develop both personally and professionally beyond what I thought myself capable of. This made me attracted to the high level of education that Northwestern offers its students and moved by its long standing reputation as one of the top universities in the world.

See what I did there? just changed the order of the sentences.

oriyanh

Oct 16, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

Haha, thanks :)
I'll try and reduce the word count then (I have to get it under 250).
I'm concerned about the excessive amount of run-on sentences - do you think it's very noticeable, and if so do you have an idea how to minimize them? Or do you think it's a non-issue and the essay is good as it is?

Other than that, I think I'm perfectly fine - thank you so much for your help!

oriyanh

Oct 16, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Great Barrier Reef documentaries' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality essay [14]

Thank you so much for everything! You really helped me raise the level of my essay, could not have done so without your help.
I'll polish it up and submit it :)

oriyanh

Oct 16, 2014

Undergraduate / 'I live by the Iguana Rule' - Stanford roommate letter [5]

I have written 2 versions for this essay, the first of which is more of an experiment (and I'm leaning more towards that one), and the second is a bit more traditional.

Please let me know what you think, which of these essays should I improve and which to discard, and any suggestions as to how to improve (especially structure-wise).

The prompt for both of these is:
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better. (100 to 250 words)

Here are the essays -
V1 (363 words):Hey you,
We haven't been introduced yet, so be you a girl, a guy, a vegan, or even a Pastafarian believing in the Flying Spaghetti Monster - know that we'll get along just great. What I want to share before we officially become roommates, though, is a very important piece of information regarding myself:

I live by the Iguana Rule.
"What's this Iguana Rule?" you may ask, and "Why should I even care?". To answer the former, let me explain what the Iguana Rule is and how it came to be - the Iguana Rule was first conceived as an alternative to the well known Five Second Rule, except that instead of a grace perioud of 5 seconds you may only pick up a piece of food you have dropped on the ground if a live iguana had not stepped on it. This may sound weird, or as just an excuse to be disgusting. It's actually very serious business - especially in Guayaquil, Ecuador, where life-endangering encounters with hungry iguanas are common. This rule was created in order to prevent useless loss of limbs and even lives, stemming from the fact that iguanas can step on your Dorito faster than you can blink, daring you to try and snatch it back while looking at you mockingly with those piercing, cold-blooded eyes.

In other parts of the world the Iguana Rule isn't as relevant for obvious reasons.
To answer the latter, maybe this hypothetical Iguana Rule was invented solely for the sake of this letter, trying to grab your attention, future roommie, and tell you this - if you can bare to live with someone who believes in that silly Rule, then you can bare living with me. Know that I'm a pretty ordinary guy, and that the only weird things I actually do are collecting juggling balls (I own over 100 different ones) and coins (exactly 1643); I cook for a dozen even if I'm the only one eating; and my pet peeves are high heels and mornings.

... and if no one is watching and I drop a Dorito on the floor, I might cite the Iguana Rule and pick it up.
Yours,
Oriyan.

V2 (266 words):Dear roomate,
Before meeting for the first time I'd like you to get to know me a bit better, so you can have a better idea of who your future roommie is. First, let's start with the most important facts:

- I live by the Iguana Rule (basically a variation of the Five-second Rule involving live iguanas rather than keeping time).
- I own over 100 different juggling balls, about 200 fantasy & sci-fi novels, and exactly 1643 coins from 47 different countries.
- I hate only three things with a passion: cockroaches, high heels, and mornings.
If you can put up with my little quirks, then know that being my roommate also comes with several advantages -
I cook with a passion and make the meanest meat empanadas you will have ever tried, and once a week I will cook for us my favorite dish, Shakshuka (an Israeli dish based on eggs and tomatoes). I love playing Guitar Hero, meaning we can jam together for hours if you're up for the challenge. As my roommate and friend, we will also most likely discuss one of my three favorite subjects: (1) Juggling Physics (or "Where the heck did that ball come from to hit me?") (2) Sweet Nostalgia (or "Remember that cartoon thing with the mice that had abs and lived on mars? That was awesome") (3) Ethical Dilemmas (or "Should I pick up that Dorito I just dropped? I don't see any iguanas...")

Surely we'll get along no matter what, so let's have fun as new roommates, as friends, and as Stanford freshmen.
Yours,
Oriyan.

oriyanh

Oct 17, 2014

Undergraduate / 'I live by the Iguana Rule' - Stanford roommate letter [5]

In the end I decide to combine the first paragraph from the first version with the other parts from the second one. I think it came out better, but I'm concerned that it's not unique enough.

What do you think?

(265 words - need to cut down 15 more words)
Dear roommate,
We haven't been introduced yet, but be you a girl, a guy, a vegan, or even a Pastafarian who believes in the Flying Spaghetti Monster - know that we'll get along splendidly no matter what. Before becoming roommates, I would like to share a few important pieces of information about myself:

I live by the Iguana Rule (an alternative to the well-known Five Second Rule, citing that instead of waiting 5 seconds, you may only pick up a piece of food that fell on the ground if a live iguana had not stepped on it). I juggle and collect juggling paraphernalia (for example, I own over 100 different juggling balls), as well as coins (exactly 1647 coins, to date). My pet peeves are high heels and early mornings.

I cook with a passion and bake the meanest meat empanadas you will have ever tried, and love teaching how to make Shakshuka (a typical Israeli breakfast). I play Guitar Hero and love jamming with new people, and my three favorite topics to discuss at 2am are :

(1) Juggling Physics (or "Where the heck did that juggling ball hit me from?")
(2) Sweet Nostalgia (or "Remember that awesome cartoon with the mice that had abs and lived on mars? ")
(3) Ethical Dilemmas (or "If no one is watching and I drop a Dorito on the floor, should I still cite the Iguana Rule and pick it up?")

If you can put up with these few quirks of mine, I'm absolutely certain we're going to have a great time together as both roommates, and friends.

Yours,
Oriyan.

oriyanh

Oct 20, 2014

Undergraduate / 'I live by the Iguana Rule' - Stanford roommate letter [5]

Sorry for taking such a long time to reply, I was busy taking SAT Subject Tests, and started preparing for the TOEFL I'm taking a week from now..

Thank you for the answers, I think I have finally covered the essay... Narrowed it down to 250 words to the dot. I just need to make another pass at it and at my other essays to make sure there are no grammatical errors/typos nor tense issues, but most importantly - making sure they all fit together and paint a complete picture of me as a person.