Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Thank you so much for the corrections!
but i don't have any sentences that specify exactly what work was it i did with the organization, will it be fine?
Also, should i add my last paragraph or not?
Once again thank you for your help, i really appreciate it :)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

I joined a youth organization in Nepal known as SAATH, which, in my language means togetherness. We have been working together with other trainees, volunteers, and support groups to aid children affected by HIV AIDS, and I have to say that working with them has been the best 5 months of my life so far. We raise funds for the education of these children through different campaigns, for example, setting up flea markets in different parts of the city, and also organize capacity building programs for them every week .The organization helped me do something for the Nepalese people whom I wanted to help. I developed a sense of responsibility as a part of this group because the children looked up to my leadership and they in turn, inspired and motivated me to help them learn and grow, even though their future was uncertain.

I added a sentence in the paragraph to specify our work, does it seem right?

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Thankyou for the suggestions :) I have developed my last paragraph as:

The experience I have gained through my volunteerism in SAATH has shaped me to be well prepared for any future endeavor. I am enthusiastic to contribute what I have perceived through my experience with the Rutgers family. I understand the academics in Rutgers is highly competitive. The time I spent with the children has made me realize that there is no barrier to learning. I thrive to take as much as possible from the top notch faculty and my peers, and in turn provide my active participation, and exhibit my own views and ideas to the Rutgers community. Also, the exposure I received by participating in the campaigns has made me confident enough to become a more vocal and active part of the community, and I believe it has prepared me to flourish amid the rich diversity of Rutgers. Thus, I truly believe the compassion and the dedication I feel towards my goal to make my community and the world a healthy and safe place will definitely prepare me for success at Rutgers University.

I think the paragraph needs some improvement with the flow though, do let me know your feedback. Thank you

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Born and bred in Nepal, which is a small and economically poor country, I grew up highly familiar with the illnesses and myriad diseases that affect people all year round. Nepal is severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. It saddens me that I am not able to help my fellow Nepalese in a way that can change their lives. I always ask myself "What can I do for them?" It is one thing for me to feel pity for them and their plight; it is another thing for me to commit myself to helping them. I knew that eventually, I would find a way to help my people, and my chance came a few months ago.

[...]

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Hello again :) I tried to modify the same essay I wrote for my Rutgers supplement to fit it to the first prompt of the common app essay. Because I am focused to follow a career path in public health I thought I needed to share this specific story rather than anything else. Please could you improve my essay like you did earlier? I tried to make this essay a little less formal and used the Show and tell approach, but I still feel the essay is not good enough, and the paragraphs need a lot of improvement. I didn't have time to prepare it well because my deadline is on 4th nov, please do provide me with your feedback :)

The prompt:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My essay:

I felt my heart grow heavy. I was talking to the kids in the organization where I volunteer, and a boy told me he wanted to become a doctor when he grew up so that he could cure himself and all the other people suffering from HIV AIDS. Then he asked me if it was possible to cure the disease. I did not know how to answer that. I stayed quiet for a long time. Gathering myself after a while, I replied "Yes. Anything is possible if you try your best to achieve it." I was not giving him a false hope, because I truly believed there could be a way. It felt nice to see the sparkle in that kid's eyes as he smiled. It was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

[...]

Undergraduate / The idea that the livelihood of the family may not sustain us longer, not allowed me to sleep [2]

It seems that you are an international student, I am too. I dont think I can do much but I'll try to correct some of your grammar :)


You may want to start your paragraph in past tense because the essay is mostly narrative style.

One day my sister and my mom came home with a couple of shakes. I asked them where they had purchased those shakes, they responded excitedly that a health club was giving them for free shakes . The health club was part of a company that sold vitamins and supplements where you could make money by becoming a distributor. Then they began to talk about success stories that hit me by their beginning both the business and their motives. Without hesitation I asked my mom to take me to the health club. This was an unique opportunity that could not be taken lightly and which would provide me some capital to help my dad with the household expenses and the probability that my dad would had only one job .

Immediately,M y mom took me where she wentto the health club . w e entered to a small suite in a plaza that at first sight it seemed more like an office than a health club. A man with a cheerful personality welcomed us. He asked us the reason of our visit. In my anxiety to start working I went straight to the point, and I asked him for a job.

Without delay the guy started explaining me the process to becoming a member; the point was clear and concrete to earn money I needed to sell the product to everyone, at anytime, anywhere. At first glance it looked like a double , people waswere everywhere, so it wouldn't be a problem to talk with peoplethem . Then I received my membership and a set of manuals that would help me to know more about the products and the company. I felt blessed by this opportunity, it comecame when I most needed it.

A few days after getting accepted in the job, a little voice in my head was telling was supporting me to go outside and sell those vitamins and supplements. I had a responsibility and every minute was worth it. Excuses did not become a barrier, transportation was not necessary to reach more people when you canas I could walk and knock on the door of every single house in my neighborhood.

I offered the product to almost every single house in 4 blocks, but unfortunately no one seemed interested in buying it , I returned home with morality tatters., but then so I suddenly saw my dad resting on the sofa before going to his second job. I Asked myself "Why I'm doing thesethis ?, What's the reason of this job?" it might not be the easiest work in the in the world, but the effort is worth it.

I realized that when you have a reason that reason gives you a goal and when you have a goal you would do anything to reach it. Discipline and perseverance are the tools for a better future. I don't want to say someday " why I did nothing?".to be asking myself someday, "Why did not I do something?"

I hope these corrections helped you. I may not have been able to correct all the mistakes, I did the ones I could. Hope you get better help! :)

Undergraduate / My activity in Tourism Ambassadors, because I broke out of my comfort zone - Columbia Univ. [6]


I think this is a better way to start :)

Undergraduate / My activity in Tourism Ambassadors, because I broke out of my comfort zone - Columbia Univ. [6]




I hope this was helpful. English is not my native language so I tried my best to correct the mistakes. Hope you find better feedback ! :)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Hi since the essay i wrote for my personal statement was for a different school which didn't require a common app essay, and as this essay is for other schools that do require the common app essay I thought it wouldn't matter that most of the writing was similar. I wanted to make the conversation I had with the little boy the main medium of what made me realize my life goal. But I do understand, i'll try to develop the essay, make it more personal and post it again! :)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

I tried to personalize the essay more, let me know what else can I improve and prepare a better essay. Thank you :)

I felt my heart grow heavy as one of the little boys came up to me and shared his future aspiration to become a doctor so that he could cure himself and his friends from HIV AIDS. He then asked me if I thought he could fulfill his dream. I stayed quiet at first, unable to respond to his innocent question. Gathering myself after a while, I replied "Yes. Anything is possible if you try your best to achieve it." I was not giving him a false hope, because I truly believed there could be a way. His eyes sparkled with joy as I told him that, and it was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

[...]

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

I had read a suggestion that starting at the peak of my anecdote would be a good hook and then providing the background story, but I did as you suggested and can see the flow working better. I will post the outcome, let me know what you think :)

I am from Nepal, a country severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. As a kid I remember feeling the horror when I learned about the consequences of poor health facilities in many parts of my country and the dismay I felt as I read about people being secluded from the society because of the diseases they encountered. In school while my friends joined dancing classes, played different sports and participated in several competitions I spent most of my time with my community service group, visiting the neighboring villages around my school. We would distribute free medicines and help to clean their environment. Seeing that sense of appreciation through the warm thankyous and bright smiles in the peoples' faces made me feel content. I didn't do this to make myself seem altruistic but it was due to my own compassion and merely the happiness I felt seeing other people happy that I learned this is where my heart lies.

[...]

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

I have already exceeded the word count so I dont have room to add more but do need to reduce some lines:( Thank you for investing your time helping me I really appreciate it :)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

hello, i revised my essay :) the word count was 250-650. I have 648 words now. Let me know what you think :)

I am from Nepal, a country severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. As a kid I was horrified when I learned about the consequences of poor health facilities in many parts of my country and dismayed as I read about people being secluded from the society because of the diseases they encountered.

At school while my friends joined dance classes, played different sports and participated in several competitions, I spent most of my time with the community service group, visiting neighboring villages around our school. We would distribute free medicines and help to clean their environment. Seeing that sense of appreciation through the warm thank you and bright smiles in the people's faces made me feel content. I did not do this just for the sake of increasing my community service hours, but it was due to the compassion I felt and the happiness I received seeing other people happy that I learned this is where my heart lies.

After graduating from high school I joined an organization called SAATH, which means togetherness in Nepali. There I got the opportunity to teach English and art to a group of about 30 children suffering from HIV AIDS. The time I have spent with these children has helped me grow as a person, and more importantly, it has given me a purpose in life. I have realized that we tend to take up so much of our times worrying about ourselves that we neglect to see the bigger problem rest of the world is facing.

I recall that certain afternoon, I felt my heart grow heavy as one of the little boys came up to me and shared his future aspiration to become a doctor so that he could cure himself and his friends from AIDS. He then asked me if I thought he could fulfill his dream. I stayed quiet at first, unable to respond to his innocent question. Gathering myself after a while, I replied "Yes. Anything is possible if you try your best to achieve it." I was not giving him a false hope, as I truly believed there could be a way. His eyes sparkled with joy as I told him that, and it was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I hold this event close to my heart because it brought me to realization. I was always shy at school and was hesitant to express myself but now I feel the need to express. I empathize with the people who are not able to attain the proper health facilities and enjoy the quality of life everyone deserves. Devoting my time for the better lives of these children, I have reflected, what I truly want to do; I want to dedicate my life to make the lives of other people better.

Since I come from a small background I used to question myself "Can I make any difference in the society with its ever worsening condition?" But my conversation with the boy gave me the answer. He was brave enough to dream despite his circumstances, and now I am motivated to pursue my vision.

My compassion is my identity, and I believe it will lead me to my goal. I was not the top achiever in school; I would feel nervous and uncomfortable on occasions I was asked to voice my opinion, and there are times I wish I had taken advantage of such opportunities, but today, inspired by the children's spirit to learn and grow despite their uncertain future, I am willing to allow myself to flourish. Being exposed to the worst kind of human conditions has encouraged me to prepare for a career in the healthcare field, specifically public health. A good life is attained by good health and I wish to give people all around the world just that.

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Thankyou for all the time you invested in my essay, I am really gratified :)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

I submitted the essay :) Thankyou for helping me. Really appreciate it :)