Undergraduate / 'I got hired as an office assistant on campus' - UC Personal Statement Prompt 2 [6]

wow, thank you so much! Now that you gave me sort of a general outline of what I should focus on this will become very helpful.

Undergraduate / 'I got hired as an office assistant on campus' - UC Personal Statement Prompt 2 [6]

i took your advice into consideration, hopefully what I wrote this time around is more powerful, thank you.

This school year I was fortunate enough to get hired as an office assistant on campus and it is an accomplishment that I am most proud of. Although I got the job, I struggled to officially become employed due to barriers that made this goal very tough to achieve. As I had no previous work experience, I was never interviewed before so everything within that process was new to me. After time, I would never get called back so I took that as a form of rejection and I looked for better ways to improve my communication skills and my presence to impress those who were going to interview me. I knew that my resume wasn't very appealing and because of this it gave me more self-motivation to do extra research on what is essential to do during an interview and how to make my application stand out. Through all the interviews and all the job applications I filled out, and there were many, I felt that that I kept exceeding one after another. I learned how to carry myself in a positive way regardless of the numerous times I was turned down.

Through two months of searching I was finally employed; being able to get hired after dedicating so much time and effort is what made it all worth it. Through this process I learned how to always look at the bright side of these situations know matter how tough they may seem. I learned a lot of by myself through this journey and realized that I am a very ambitious person who will do whatever it takes to pursue any goals that I set myself. I demonstrated a lot of hard work and perseverance within myself. With that in mind, with these new skills that I gained through this job search experience I will work even harder and continue to push myself through my final academic and career years.

Writing Feedback / The city which I enjoy the most is a combination of history and modernity - TOEFL essay [4]

I feel that you know in which direction you want to go with in this particular essay which is good! It means that you truly care about what you are writing and persuading us about and because you demonstrate the significance with these historic buildings it makes you're essay that much powerful. Although you do explain how these historic buildings are essential maybe it will help writing about a very significant experience you had with one of these buildings and how you came into sudden realization that we should do whatever it takes to preserve the history of where you are from. I totally agree with you in the direction of your essay, I am obvious not so good at helping out with grammar and sentence structure but I feel you should just add a little more about yourself and the relationship with these historic buildings to make it more compelling to your reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: What is the most happy age between teenage and adult. Discuss both views. [5]

I feel your essay lacks a lot of important information. I don't know if there is a word limit but it seems kind of rushed. Take your time in thoroughly explaining each aspect of this essay. Provide the reader with more compelling and more scenarios, I guess you can say, to intrigue your reader. If there is a word limit then within that limit try to add the most essential information you can find. In regard of your opinion, make sure that you also explain that, its important for your reader to know what you think after providing them with this two side spectrum. With that in mind, make sure in your opinion you also explain why thats your opinion.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

Okay I am a Math major and like I said this a rough draft and I have done my research and information posted about forensic analyst is from an actual forensic analyst I guess I should have expanded on possibly getting my masters in Science but I read that a Math degree can be a useful step towards this career choice. AnywAys, if that last paragraph throws off the whole essay then I wouldnt mind eliminating it , my question now is how can I expand on what I have already written according to the prompt...thank you

Undergraduate / 'I got hired as an office assistant on campus' - UC Personal Statement Prompt 2 [6]

I am honestly very grateful right now, thank you very much for your help. This means so much to me I am just speechless, once again thank you thank you thank you!

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

thank you for your help. The most basic reason why I chose math is because I truly enjoy it and its quite difficult to make an essay like this sound more appealing since I haven't done much quite yet in area of math just what I stated above. I will take your advice into consideration and hopefully come up with more ideas that will be helpful for useful use. Once again, thank you.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

[bI ]tried to fix my personal statement from the advice you offered. I'd appreciate it if you can take a look at it and help me out again, my English writing skills aren't that great so maybe polishing it a bit so it can sound better would be nice as well. Thank you.[/b]

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always an uncaring and irresponsible kid - about one interest or experience [3]

Your short essay was very interesting to read, but one thing I learned from this website is too never bash on yourself and make yourself seem like a "bad" person. I understand that, thats what your essay is about but maybe just writing a sentence at the beginning would be as helpful and a sentence at the end to just tie it all together.

Maybe your sentence Rarely in my life had I reflected on any memories from my childhood until now. That would be better at the beginning of your essay rather than the negative stuff you stated about yourself, it brings out a rather more different tone to your prompt.

At such young age didn't realize the gravity of what my parents were sacrificing to give to me and my brother
You could probably change this sentence, too:
At a very young age I never realized the gravity of what my parents had to sacrifice in order to provide something better for my brother and I.

I became fully aware of my dad's biggest sacrifice the sacrifice he made for me and my brother when my father left my family in Mexico to come to America to send money for us in order to have a brighter future and a better life than he had. He worked 12 hour shifts and still managed to call at night to ask how my day was going and how I was. My father is a man I look up to but I also know my mother had to be a strong woman in order to be able to raise two young kids by herself. There was times when she faced away from my brother and I so we wouldn't see her cry when things weren't going well financially and she didn't know how to keep food in the table. Eventually things got better and my mother, my brother, and I joined my father in America.

My father left Mexico to come to America to help us out financially, he wanted us to have a bright future and therefore would send us money from his lengthy, excruciating 12 hour work shifts. He hoped that one day we wouldn't have to relive the hardships that he had to go through growing up. My strong mother had to raise two young kids all on her own since my father was away. At times we faced financial troubles, and my mother all alone didn't know what to do. These were some of the sacrifices my family faced and it was difficult to overcome them; but things started to change for the better as we finally decided to move to America.

These are just a few things we can change with your paper, you can use these as a template or just use the whole thing hope it helps :)

Undergraduate / Wrestling with my fears - Essay for University of Washington, Seattle [7]

I feel your essay is on the right track to something great! :) which is a good thing, I'm not much of a person to correct grammar and polish essays but I can give you some information on how to change your essay so it can probably excel to someone else who is also going to be reading your paper.

First, since the essay is about YOU, I feel you shouldn't be talking about your sister in the first sentence of this essay. Try to make it all about you as much as you can. Of course you can include your sister, but maybe after you introduce yourself so the reader can know what the essay is going to be about.

Second, try to remove the negative stuff you wrote about yourself; maybe a sentence of how you once were can still be enough to show your reader how much this experience has changed you. Try to focus on all the positive changes this wonderful experience has done to you and your life in general.

Third, maybe expand on how these new skills that you learned have made your life better. How did you become more competitive at school? Were you in clubs? Were you in any kind of sports? How did you take your grades seriously? Did you join tutoring? Did you study more on your own? Did you ask your teachers for extra help during lunch time?

Lastly, I understand that their will always be sibling rivalry, but maybe cutting out that last portion and putting something more positive about your sister may help your essay a little more. You can just mention on how your sister has been an inspiration toward your success and that due to this inspiration you have learned the true values of what it is to succeed in life.

hope this helps in shaping your essay a little better :)

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

I would appreciate it , if someone could polish this essay for me thank you or give me any other type of advice.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

I made some changes to my essay, I switched some paragraphs around and added/deleted some sentences. thank you for your help.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

The announcement of the winners was given late May of my senior year and the dinner ceremony was held in June after I graduated, Class of 2013. So therefore once my award was given to me in June I used that money for supplies that I would use later that August for Fall 2013. I am currently a sophomore in college. Hopefully that clarifies a few things.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

I am really liking how my essay is turning out but I feel that it lacks some of that polishing. I am trying to get my point across in a very positive away but my writing skills still aren't as advanced. If any one can try and help revise my paper that will be highly appreciated it thank you.

I decided to become a Math major because as I looked back in my life I realized that it was a subject I truly enjoy; it can be difficult and time-consuming, but I find it fascinating how math just simply works. It's not only my favorite subject but it has opened up a lot of opportunities that I will be forever grateful for because I learned a lot from these experiences. They helped me grow as a person as I started to take risks I normally wouldn't take, as I was once a very shy girl.

When I was younger I only participated in math related activities since it was the subject I felt the strongest in, but there was one particular program that took me out of my regular comfort zone.

[...]

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

1) I want to briefly state why I like math so much and the passion I have for it. I feel these points come across in my introduction and conclusion.

2) I describe how being in the Mathletes has developed my interest in math
3) I describe how being in the Jaime Escalante Program has developed my interest in math
4) As well as tutoring
a. These opportunities I took advantage of were when I was a lot younger, I haven't been able to do much lately with a busy work schedule and trying to pass all my classes. I want to elaborate more on how just because I haven't done much doesn't mean I am not capable of pursuing my dream or that I am just picking a major without any more interest.

5) I am more of a talker than a writer, so its difficult at times for me to write what I have to say. To sum it up I just want those who are going to read my personal statement to get the point that I love math, it has opened many opportunities for me in, and its a subject that I am just very comfortable in and its one of my strongest subjects. I like how math is so complex yet so simple.

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

I feel this would be my final draft. I used some of the work you provided for me and I incorporated in my essay. As of now, I feel content with my essay. Just uploading it online to get some last minute feedback but I don't think I would make any major changes after this. Thank you for all your advice and help I really appreciate it!!

My desire to pursue Math as a major comes from the experiences that have enhanced not only my interest in the subject but the love I already had for it. These experiences allowed me to really grasp the importance of math as it's what drives our world forward. Without Math, commerce would cease to exist and the world as we know it would come to a standstill. Math has been an integral part of my everyday life since I first started school; it has opened a lot of opportunities for me that have helped me grow as a person. I started to see a lot of positive changes in my life.

When I was younger I was never involved in any extracurricular activities, but there was one particular program that took me out of my regular comfort zone. I was in the Mathletes throughout middle school and I had to participate in tournaments that were held around the city, something I wasn't used too. This opportunity really enhanced my math skills, as I was able to learn different methods of solving problems that weren't shown in a regular classroom as they were preparing us for these competitions. Not only did I learn how to improve in my math skills, but I also learned how to become more vocal and how to work well in a team that depended on one another. I feel that these assets that I developed through this educational program have helped me through my academic years and will continue to be beneficial towards my future success.

Another opportunity that I was able to be a part of through my love for math was the Jaime Escalante Program. It was offered only to a few students who were doing exceptionally well in their math classes. It prepared us for the advanced math classes we were going to take the next couple of years and it also opened a chance for me to win a scholarship in high school. I applied for the Jaime Escalante Scholarship, which was open for all the seniors who showed how math made a positive impact in their academics. I used the program as an example in my essay since it kept me on track with my classes through high school. The scholarship helped me finance my future college needs as an incoming student through the prize that the scholarship offered.

The most recent volunteer work that I've been a part of in college is tutoring my peers with their math classes. By helping others who were weak in numbers through tutoring, I learned that Math is not just all about numbers. It is about life as well. Math is what drives our world forward. Technological advances, business, even cooking and baking, all require that computations be done and completed accurately for the outcome of the equations to become acceptable and credible. I was able to realize this as I would help my peers work on a problem step by step and if we did a slightest error on any of the steps the rest of the work would be incorrect. In life, in order to get things done right everything else before it has to be correct as well.

My interest and love for Math started to grow immensely throughout the years. I love Math for its simplicity and clarity. It is definite and offers Mathematicians a look at life in a way that other people would not see. We see the beauty of life through numbers and we offer to give back that beauty in a way that those who cannot understand Math can appreciate. I hope to be able to pursue my Math major in the hopes of offering the others in the world an opportunity to see the beauty and value of Math through my eyes.