Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

Hi Vangiespen --

Thanks for reading my essay. I've attached an updated version with your suggestions. As of right now it is 496 words out of the 400 allotted. Any help with scaling down would be great!

Thanks,

Lan

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Someone once told me, "If you are good at something, there will always be a thousand people who are better than you." This is not a bad thing because it means there is room for infinite growth. As a student at NYU, I will have the opportunity to create with similar-minded people and at the same time receive a world-class education in the world's most diverse urban agglomeration. At NYU, there are thousands who are just as inspired, smart, connected, bold, and passionate as myself. When you place all these people together, the possibilities for creation are limitless.

[...]

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

Hi vangiespen,

This made my essay flow a lot more smoothly. I really appreciate it! I added a few things. What do you think?

With edits, it is 410 words out of 400 allotted

ps: I realize that you removed this, but I wanted a way to help visualize how I would be productively spending my time there. Any suggestions on how to reword this would be great.

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Entire essay:
Someone once told me, "If you are good at something, there will always be a thousand people who are better than you." Having people who are better than you is not a bad thing, because it allows for infinite growth as an individual. Like in the real world, if you are not growing, you are dying. At NYU, there are thousands who are just as inspired, smart, connected, bold, and passionate as myself. When you place all these people together, the possibilities for creation are limitless. As a student at NYU, I will have the opportunity to create with similar-minded people and at the same time receive a world-class education in the world's most diverse urban agglomeration.

As an organizer for HsHacks - the largest high school only student-run hackathon in the United States; I have experienced first hand the impact that programming has on young people. When we see that we have created working code from scratch, it inspires us to continue to create. The power to create is an unstoppable force. The power of computer science can be summed up by a new metonymic adage: "The code is mightier than the pen."

My goal is to continue to make NYU a global powerhouse by increasing the prominence of the Hack NYU Hackathon. I have come to realize that with all the available resources, the Hackathon scene at NYU is being under utilized. Hackathons are where innovation and creative people shine and where small ideas become huge realities. At NYU, I will advocate for more participation in Hackathons and help break the cultural stereotype of computer science being a 'dorky' or 'male-only' pastime.

In the morning, I may very well be sitting in a lecture hall, but in the afternoon I could be interning for a startup helping build the next great human technological advancement. Being a person who learns kinesthetically, NYU will give me the proper balance in real life and classroom learning to maximize my education. I hope to contribute to NYU's excellence and continue my own endeavors of creating code that benefits society.

I am enthusiastic in adding to the broad cultural and academic talents that NYU has to offer. From joining the Student Senators Council to widen my views of the vast social, ideological, and academic differences, to joining the band to continue my second trumpet prowess, or practicing my jump smash with the badminton club: the vibrant social life at NYU speaks for itself.

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Lastly, I really appreciate this. Thank you so much!

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

I've made the changes that you suggested. After reading the first draft to reading this iteration, I feel like my essay has improved tremendously. Thank you very much Vangiespen! :)

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Here's the latest version:

Someone once told me, "If you are good at something, there will always be a thousand people who are better than you." Having people who are better than you is not a bad thing, because it allows for infinite growth as an individual. At NYU, there are thousands who are just as inspired, smart, connected, bold, and passionate as myself. When you place all these people together, the possibilities for creation are limitless. As a student at NYU, I will have the opportunity to create with similar-minded people and at the same time receive a world-class education in the world's most diverse urban agglomeration.

[...]

Undergraduate / "You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay [7]

The opening line is awesome. It made me make a second look at what you were talking about and really drew me in.


Perhaps in this area you can considering mentioning one of those passions.


An integral part of my interest in history is my goal of contributing to historical knowledge. I hope to work with a professor like Professor Pollack, whose work on Soviet Cold War history resonates with my cultural background.

Remove this and reword that initial sentence.

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

I can understand the overall message and tone of your essay, but as other posters have said: there are a lot of grammatical errors that detract from that emotion that you're trying to convey. Maybe have a teacher proofread your essay to get all the grammatical kinks out.

Another thing I would suggest is to use a thesaurus as a way to find more vivid descriptive words to convey your message.

For example: rather than using rich, use wealthy... and so on with all the other basic examples

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]

Thanks Vangiespen,

Do you suggest I rewrite the whole essay? I feel like Target really is a place where I am content. When I was younger, it was for reasons stated in the essay, today it is more nostalgia and the memories it created for me.

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

This is also one of the common app prompts. Do you think this better identifies with that essay that I created?

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]

I will continue with the second prompt. Thank you very much, Vangiespen.

Do you have any suggested revisions with the new prompt change?

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]

Hi Vangiespen, I rewrote it and added some more background information. Let me know what you think. It's currently at 668/650 words.

Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My Life Incubator: Target

After a long and mundane day of school, I jumped into our aging sedan. After the boxes began to pile up in our house, I knew something was brewing. "Where are we going today?" I cheerfully asked my mother.

"You and your sister are staying with your Aunt until I can find us a home", she responded. You could hear a pin drop in the car. She reassured me by saying that my laptop would also be accompanying us to our new 'home'. "How about I take you two to Target?" she said trying to comfort us. Being young and naïve, I was ecstatic.

Despite having a place to sleep at my Aunt's house, I felt homeless. In movies, you often hear stories about people growing up doing homework on their desk or playing in their backyard; I envied those simple pleasures. During one of the most important growth phases in my life, I did not have your typical white picket fence. At first glance, this particular circumstance may have served as an impediment (believe me, for a long time I thought it did) but as I reflect now, it served the complete opposite. As I reflect now, I realize I did not need all that: I had Target.

Over the next few months, I would spend everyday after school in Target ignoring the fact that I did not have a 'home'. Corporate America might not be as vicious and unforgiving as I have been told - or my neighborhood Target may just be a diamond in the rough. Every single time I walked in, my mind escaped reality. The clamor of the cash registers and the murmur of disgruntled customers were in a peculiar manner, music to my ears.

To many, Target is another place to conveniently purchase common goods. To 13-year old me, it was 'home'. My personal kingdom spanned a vast region: the haphazardly put-together Toy section, the vibrant Clothing section, and the mystifying electronics section. The bright white lights inspired me, and the always-encouraging stock boys motivated me.

As cliché as this may sound, Target is where I learned that home is not necessarily a physical location, but merely where your heart is. My time in Target gave me the opportunity to learn new things about myself that I would have never otherwise learned. It is Target where I learned about my most important characteristic traits: curiosity and passion.

Upon entering the store, I dashed straight to the Electronics. As I spent more time in Target, my interest in computers expanded. I began to ask myself questions such as: how they are made, what software do they run, and why they work the way they do. My curiosity began to grow.

I wanted answers. One day I brought my computer. With Target's excellent free Wi-Fi connection, I taught myself to code in HTML and Objective-C. From creating iOS applications next to the Grocery section or debugging website projects in the Furniture section; Target is where I learned how to create. My search for answers and the jovial environment inspired my pursuit of knowledge. This enabled my passion.

Though I no longer go to Target daily, I still fondly remember all the observations and lessons that I learned while in Target. I have since expanded my programming language repertoire to include JavaScript, Swift, and Python. I have even started my own company with a focus on helping others further their own creations. This time, however, I was able to do it in the comfort of my own bedroom.

I would not be who I am today without my experiences at Target. Today, as I use the "force" to unlock those unappealing automatic sliding doors, my mind escapes reality and enters the kingdom that I created many years ago. This neighborhood store not only had excellent deals on products, but it gave me a sense of family, expanded my knowledge, fueled my curiosity, and most important of all: developed my passion for creating.

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

Hi all,

I feel very happy with the growth in my essay so far. Please feel free to read the most recent version and let me know what you think

NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)

Currently at 396 words /400 allowed

My mentor once told me, "Even though you might be good at something, there will always be a thousand people who are better than you." This particular circumstance is not necessarily a bad thing, because it allows for infinite individual growth. At NYU, there are thousands who are just as inspired, smart, connected, bold, and passionate as myself. Together, the possibilities for creation are limitless. As an NYU student, I will have the opportunity to create new experiences...and technology with similar-minded people and concurrently receive a world-class education in the world's most diverse urban agglomeration.

As an organizer for HSHacks - the largest high school student-run hackathon in the United States; I have genuinely experienced the impact that programming has on young people. When we see that we have created working code from scratch, it inspires us to continue creating. The power of Computer Science can be summed up by a modern metonymic adage: "The code is mightier than the pen."

Hackathons are where small ideas become huge, tangible realities. I have learned more Computer Science through building at hackathons than actual online courses. My goal is to add to NYU's reputation as a global powerhouse by expanding the reach of the school's hackathon. The NYU hackathon scene is underutilized. With my knowledge and experiences, I will increase participation and sponsorship. I will expand these opportunities for current and next generation innovators. With my potential classmates, we will collectively demolish the cultural stereotype of Computer Science being a 'dorky' or 'male-only' pastime.

As a kinesthetic learner, NYU will give me the proper balance in real world and classroom learning. At NYU, my morning CSCI-UA 453 lectures may provide me with a grasp in computational theory, but in the afternoon I could possibly be applying that knowledge interning for a New York startup creating the next human technological advancement.

From joining the Student Senators Council to widen my views of the vast student body, to joining the band to showcase my second trumpet prowess, or practicing my jump smash with the badminton club: the vibrant social life that NYU can offer me speaks for itself. I will create code that benefits society and ignite inspiration in others who aspire to code. I have learned that it takes practice to excel, and passion to exceed. As an NYU student, I will break personal barriers that I never knew existed.