Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by bryantasticc
Name: Bryan Gonzalez
Joined: Nov 23, 2014
Last Post: Nov 25, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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bryantasticc   
Nov 23, 2014
Undergraduate / My dad and communities struggles have shaped my dreams and aspirations - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Hi, Can I please get help with having my essay revised? Any advice to make it better?

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Many other construction workers would've easily been able to create their own proposals, but my dad is a self-employed worker with no high school education and no idea how to use a computer. Throughout my teenage years I've served as my father's secretary, writing proposals for his jobs and contacting his clients. I consider my dad as the central figure in my life because he's always served to me as a clear representation of a physical laborer with little education, coming to this country from Mexico, in order for me to achieve a better life. While the stereotypical Latino construction worker job would embarrass many teens, it has only driven me to push myself to excel. I've first handedly glimpsed the dangerous work environment filled with hazardous machinery and physically demanding labor. I see my dad in in his dirt-covered tank top and shorts, and concrete spattered boots, burnt from a long day under the scorching sun. There are days that he may come with a scrape, or an injury as severe as to the point of facing a long-term foot fracture he suffers from to this day. I observe all the adversity my father deals with, and I know that this is not the life I want. As I see the struggle my dad faces every day as he tiredly returns from his job, I'm motivated to work harder and persevere, to surpass my dad and attain the life he unfortunately could not. Surrounded by many people like my dad, in my low-income Latino community, I can't help but imagine the endless possibilities if they had the opportunity to succeed. I dream of a future where I can help communities like my own to thrive and obtain a prosperity that may continue to be passed down for generations to come. I believe that a college education is the gateway to achieving my dream, as it'll enlighten me and give me the prowess necessary to get out and execute my dreams. I aspire to pursue a major in economics, which will give me skills that may allow me to fully analyze the socioeconomic conditions of communities such as mine, as well as determine how I may better such conditions. I also perceive college as a time to broaden my mind, and possibly discover more about who I am and where I come from. With programs such as Chicano Studies and accessibility to many Latino resources, I desire to learn more about my culture in order to grasp a better understanding of the many struggles that minority communities face. By obtaining a greater knowledge, I believe that I may reach my dreams of ameliorating places such as where I grew up. I dream of a better tomorrow in all the barrios and ghettos. I dream of a better future in which no Latino community will face the struggles that my dad has faced. (482)
bryantasticc   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / My activity in Tourism Ambassadors, because I broke out of my comfort zone - Columbia Univ. [6]

My activity in Tourism Ambassadors, because I broke out of my comfort zone.I am particularly proud of my participation in Tourism Ambassadors which gave me the opportunity to break out my comfort zone.

Being a tourism ambassador of my city, or pageant in another term, was never inon everyone's mind. Most people associated me with intelligence, not beauty. My usual circle is amongconsisted of people who were involved in the same activity as I : fellow debaters , fellow programmers , and my simple bestfriends. None of my friends were photo models like my fellow tourism ambassadors now.

But I tried for the tourism ambassador selection of 2014 despite of my zero experience in ambassador-ingBetter word choice? . I transformed myself from a bookworm into a lady. I learned things I would never learn otherwisehave never learned : make-up, catwalking, and public relations.

My tourism ambassador activity is something to be proud of, not only because it brought me out of my comfort zone, but alsobecause it gave me experiences and friends I'd never have otherwise.

Really great topic! I think you could emphasize on the why part by giving an example of how it brought you out of your comfort zone, but other than that you have a great essay.

Good luck!

bryantasticc   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Of the two essays you've written, I believe that the second one does a better job of answering the prompt. You address your city and it's circumstances, and continue to talk about how despite it's conditions you dream of succeeding in order to give back to your community. Good luck on your application!
bryantasticc   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Community Service Toy Drive and how it relates to who I am - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Hi, can I please get help with having my essay revised? How can I better my personal statement?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Wrapping presents while listening to joyful Christmas music, in a warm room filled with friends, was something I would have never expected when hearing the words "community service". The holiday season was approaching when the director of the organization I had recently began volunteering at -Day One- had spoken to the youth volunteers about Day One's annual Cherishing Children Toy Drive. As she spoke to us, I thought to myself, "Here we go, another, generic toy drive where people donate gifts, Day One delivers them, and end of story."

[...]
bryantasticc   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Community Service Toy Drive and how it relates to who I am - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Thank you for your reply! I am currently at 509 words for this essay but when combining it with prompt 1 I reach 990 words, and the word limit is 1000 words. So I need to reflect more on why my experience makes me proud and explain why I feel that way. Do you suggest me taking out any particular parts from the essay since I am close to reaching the word limit?
bryantasticc   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Community Service Toy Drive and how it relates to who I am - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Wrapping presents while listening to joyful Christmas music, in a warm room filled with friends, was something I would've never expected when hearing the words "community service". The holiday season was approaching when the director of the organization I had recently began volunteering at -Day One- had spoken to the youth volunteers about Day One's annual Cherishing Children Toy Drive. As she spoke, I thought to myself that this would be just another generic toy drive, but I was mistaken, completely underestimating the significant role I played in the event planning process.

During our meetings youth met with staff to develop goals, and I was amazed that the adults were willing to listen to my opinions and place them into action. We went to different parts of the city to speak to several businesses, in an effort to receive donations. I continued to speak to many important adults, and although I was initially nervous about speaking, through our business visits I was able to successfully develop my communication skills in order to attain our team's goal, while uniting our community for a great cause.

The day of the Cherishing Children event finally arrived and I was delighted with all the work we had done in preparation for it. I looked at the other side of Day One's gate, where hundreds of children and their parents lined up around the block, anxiously waiting to enter. Most of the children in the line belonged to families affected by economic hardships. Looking at the line saddened me, but I was blessed that I had the opportunity to raise the holiday spirit in my community through this event. While I visited family in San Francisco or Nevada for the holidays, I never realized that due to socioeconomic factors most of my community did not have such a luxury. This event helped me realize the socioeconomic divide in our city. That there are clearly two different types of Pasadena residents. Those North of the 210 freeway and those thought of when one hears about the Rose Parade.

Watching the smiles of each and every kid as they received a gift humbled me. Many children, who had never even seen snow, happily threw snowballs in a huge pile on the lawn. Others sat around the fire roasting marshmallows, making arts and crafts, or drinking a cozy cup of hot chocolate. The thought that something so simple could bring so much joy truly amazed me. I felt proud of my accomplishments when several parents came up to thank me for our work. As a teenager, I never imagined that I could bring so much happiness and unity in my community. To know that I contributed to the children's smiles, and to know that I gave many their first holiday experience made me proud of my work.

Cherishing Children has helped me grow as a person. It's helped me develop my public speaking skills, comfort level when talking to others, skill sets in planning an event, as well as opening my eyes to the whole of my community. The feeling I received from having the opportunity to help others is extraordinary, and I'm motivated to build on this passion in college. (533)

I tried revising, do you think it's improved? Although I deleted some information, I ended up adding more than I originally had, do you think there's anything else I can specifically take out to bring down the word count?
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