Undergraduate / Admission's Essay into a Radiologic Technologist program [2]

This is my first time giving feed back so I hope it is useful to you. I believe your essay only needs minor improvements. You answered the questions directly and with detail which will be impressive. However, for the first paragraph perhaps stating "I don't know" is not the best route. I myself have trouble defining why I am interested in a subject, nevertheless, you do point out a couple of reasons. Maybe stating that there is no "one" reason, but a combination of these reasons which draw you to the field. By having multiple components to your answer you demonstrate yourself to be both capable of the mechanical and human elements of your desired career. I know with the word limit it is hard to add detail, but in paragraph two when you state "she gave me a new perspective on elderly people." it would be beneficial to your reader to know what that perspective was. By stating personal growth you prove to be self-reflective, an admirable trait.

Undergraduate / "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." Cornell's College [5]

Thank you very much rtan05 for your commentary! The reason I stated always is because I believe even conflicts between ideas benefit society in that well informed debate creates critical thinkers and more area for people to understand their own opinions and the opinions of others. However, I understand with the word limit that would be hard to get through so I shall fix it. : )

Sorry vangiespen, when I pasted the text in I did not realize it became one big chunk. Would you please provide specific examples of how you think more development can be achieved without going over the word limit?

Undergraduate / We all reach that peak in a day when we feel invincible - my favorite time of the day [9]

The introspection is very strong and an admirable trait. However, what does "build castles in the sky" mean? I feel confused about the last paragraph and sentence. I kind of understand what you are saying, but the sentence structure is a bit muddled. First you state your anxiety, but then that you take time out of the rest of your day to complete those introspective actions? I just want to be sure I am not misreading you.

Undergraduate / We all reach that peak in a day when we feel invincible - my favorite time of the day [9]

Okay, I think I understand now. I still think that last section could be more clear. Perhaps instead of "assess", "re-center" would be better because instead of cracking on with work in a fragile state mind you are using the time to come to terms with yourself.

Undergraduate / "I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night" Dartmouth Writing Supplemental [4]

Thank you for your feedback, I will put up a revised version. : )

Undergraduate / "I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night" Dartmouth Writing Supplemental [4]

Thank you for your feedback, here is the first paragraph with more detail, but no new transitory words. Is this better?

At eight years old, one of my greatest fears was that the earth would be consumed by the sun's fiery light. My mother was out for the night and left us with a new babysitter, who decided to tell us the story of a young boy who meets a time traveler. The boy was taken through time from the beginning of the world to its end. At the end of the story, the boy and the time traveler stand on an asteroid in the inky blackness of space as the sun engulfs the earth. Being so young my ability to admire the story's beauty in capturing such a majestic event was lost in a fog of confused terror. Never before had it occurred to me that my planet was ephemeral entity.

Scholarship / Buying house for my parents/hope to develop technology to help those with stuttering (APIASF prompt) [2]

You have two great stories here, but I think your essay would improve if you connected them somehow. Try to connect the experiences of your parents and your own if you can. Both of your goals involve helping others, showing strong empathy and compassion, which can be explored to show personal growth. I would also focus more attention on the second story because it deals more with your experiences, and talk more about how seeing your parents sacrifice affected you. Hoped this helped!

Undergraduate / Anticipated major: Applied Economics and Management (entrepreneurship concentration) - LEGOS essay [7]

Hello! You have a very interesting story that demonstrates your experiences with business. Your essay could be improved by talking more about the emotional aspects of your work, taking your passions and butting them in a business setting. Also, talk more about what you plan to use your business for, your end goals (any form of community service in mind?). By the way, I am also applying to Cornell so best of luck!

Undergraduate / Adulthood - a place where I could blossom into the person I wanted to be [4]

"Madi, my twin, has always been the outgoing one." Don't need to repeat.
"couldn't be bothered with relationships." bit informal and dismissive.Perhaps stating that you did not have a strong social drive, preferred a few close friends. You don't want to appear anti-social or incompatible with group work which is necessary in collage.

"rather than by the sweaty teenagers at a party." You don't want to come off as superior to others, like their preferences are inferior. That may not be what you are saying, but it could be misread. You can just leave it as "not your cup of tea."

"Just like that, I had been plucked from my comfortable, little world and dumped on to a vast new planet that didn't come with a rulebook." Go more into detail here. This is really good raw emotion which shows growth of character.

"I came to realize that life wasn't about the futile commodities you collected, like books." This part may better be suited to the end of your essay after the reader has read about your growth.

By the way my twin sister is also reading this, and we know how close a relationship it is. I hope both you and your sister have a healthy and happy future.

Undergraduate / One of the most critical moments in my life was when I fell off my bike [3]

Unfortunately my best advice is to find a new topic. You do not appear to put emotional weight into your essay, therefore the reader doesn't either. If this cannot be achieved, give the story more background and a more serious tone to add emotional weight. The egotism if humorous, and does emphasis your later fail, but the event just comes off as over-dramatized without the strong emotional core. I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." Cornell's College [5]

Here is my revised version! I kept a few things from before.

I find myself trekking through disparate disciplines that all interweave. Any question, whether asked in the realm of physics, history, or drama will lend itself to multiple fields of study. That is why I aspire to be a generalist. I cannot limit my passion to only science or liberal arts. While I fully acknowledge that specialism is incredibly useful, generalists have the power to explore a problem from multiple perspectives. By having generalists and specialists collaborate more creative solutions and questions can be formed, which will lead to greater advancement for society.

The two fields which fascinate me are neuroscience and sociology because they beautifully demonstrate the interwoven nature of knowledge. While biology as a whole enthralls me, neuroscience is the epitome of its beauty. The beautiful cycle of human brains trying to unravel their own mysteries. To boil down human history, thought and emotion to chemical processes and the connections of neurons does not eliminate the power of human thought, it enhances it. By examining neural pathways, the growth the brain cells and how their function can be manipulated we are unravelling what it means to be human. For such power to come from humble sources is breathtaking. I cannot imagine any philosophical question on sentience not to take root in the science of the human brain.

In fact, neuroscience aids my interests in sociology as well. The complexity of social interaction and the building of a society, especially in a closely-knit multicultural world such as today, also attempts to discover the roots of human nature, only on a larger scale. I am a product of my society and therefore want to understand how that society functions. In an effort to understand how my societies form I can question the origins and reason for social norms. When norms are questioned critical thinking emerges, and I can become a component in a progressive society. The values of a society shapes its views towards scientific advancement, and therefore the study of neuroscience. In addition, one cannot attempt to analyze human societies without knowledge on the human brain and its processes. Together, I believe these two fields have created some of the defining questions of our generation. For example, is evidence form neuroscience experiments suggest that it is part of the brain's structure to have an aversion towards faces that differ from one's own, is that the basis for racism in society? If so, can a society be created that outreaches the nature of its own mind? How much conscious control do people have to override their own nature?

It is for my love of the multifaceted that I chose to apply to Cornell's college of Arts and Sciences. Not only is Cornell's Biology and Society major unique, the university shares my appreciation for the breadth of knowledge in the world. Cornell's motto proudly proclaims "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study."(Ezra Cornell). To be in a school that encourages both breadth of experience and subjects, and supports the intermingling of diverse disciplines would allow me to thrive. For I would be in an environment that appreciates knowledge with the same passion as I do.