Posts by SherlockLegends

SherlockLegends

Jan 4, 2015

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

The essay is for APIASF Scholarship. The prompt is:In 500 words or less, please describe any challenges you have faced personally, financially or academically that you have had to overcome. How have you dealt with the challenges you have faced? How have these barriers or your success in overcoming challenges affected your goals and personal character? If you do not have any extracurricular/community service involvement, you may use this space to tell us why.

Right now, my essay is work on progress. It has 588 words, and the essay must be 500 or less. Please give me guidance. Recommend some stuff to omit, and help me polish this essay. What should I change and everything? Please, and Thank you. All helps are appreciated.

Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. There is always an obstruction that blocks our way, whatever our choices might be. A failure does not define anything; instead, it gives us the advantage to turn negatives to positives. For me, a challenge that I had to face was the language barrier upon migrating to Hawaii, and some unexpected difficulty academic courses. Either way, they both affected my growth from being nobody to a notable somebody. These barriers made me realize my passions and what I want to be.

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SherlockLegends

Jan 6, 2015

Undergraduate / I have always enjoyed being faced with new challenges that put me outside of my comfort zone [2]

It seems like it's already well written. You answered the prompt with a great title and supported it. Although, since you are still doubting it, why don't you beef it up by adding more connection and anecdote. For me, the whole "comfort zone" and "challenges" are cliche and everybody uses it, so make your essay more out of the box and add more life into it. I am aware of the word count, so probably 2-3 more sentences can do. Let your essay be one of the kind from others.

SherlockLegends

Jan 6, 2015

Speeches / Inactive children - At least 60 min of vigorous exercise is recommended each day for a healthy life [2]

One of the main issues with kids today is the lack of physical activity...

To make this more persuasive, make sure to hook your audience first. The way you open up your essay is too bland and straight up. You need to emphasize the problems; make your audience feel the danger of child inactivity. You probably need to open your speech with that first. Since your speech is for parents, intensify the emotion of this speech; right now, it doesn't have one. Tell your audience a story or an anecdote about a kid with inactivity; tell them what did that kid do everyday; tell them what happened to the kid in the end. Make a story, both negative and positive story. Have a vision about the issue, then make the parents see what you see, and feel what you feel.

SherlockLegends

Jan 6, 2015

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

Thank you very much. This is the new and revised one. Please once again, help me see if something is wrong with it. Grammar checks or context checks. Check check check.

When I moved to Hawaii, my first affliction was the language barrier. A person who just recently moved to a country is marked as F.O.B and attracts some attention. People were talking to me in English, and my brain couldn't comprehend. The barrier hinders me from everything. There were so many things that I wanted to do and learn. At that point, I had to become my own teacher and teach myself.

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SherlockLegends

Jan 8, 2015

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

So, you mean I only have to choose one of them? The language barrier or academic problem?
I also think I need to omit one of them, but I feel like these are the two challenges that change me the most, so I tried to put them both. However, for the sake of the essay, I have to focus on one, but I don't know which one, so I do have a problem on that one.

From a reader's perspective, please give me more suggestions.

SherlockLegends

Jan 8, 2015

Scholarship / The community where I live in right now is notorious for gang violence, especially for the youths. [3]

The essay is for APIASF Scholarship. The prompt is: In 500 words or less, please describe how you plan to give back to your community and help fulfill the needs of your community after you've completed your education. How would your plan impact not only your immediate community, but also a broader one?

Right now, my essay is work on progress. I feel like there are many holes to it right now. I need to make the connections with everything, but I simply don't know how to connect my career with it. Give me feedback from a reader's perspective. Help me polish this essay. Please, and Thank you.

The community where I live in right now is notorious for hang violence. Kalihi, a desolate valley in Honolulu where violence and drug trafficking thrives. Stating that you are an inhabitant of this immediately gives you the label of being an abomination. One of my goals is to help this community. After completing my education in Business Management, I will be able to help fulfill the needs of my community in a business manner.

A problem in Kalihi is some areas are unsanitized. When I get into a company, I will propose and organize an employee volunteer day where employees can volunteer to help a community-perhaps cleaning the environment, promoting green practices, or cook for a homeless shelters. Doing this can help the image of my company, and to fulfill their community's needs. Also, other companies would do the same thing and help their own chosen community.

In addition to the unsanitized backgrounds, the youths have talents but are unable to show those talents, A way to let youth show their hidden abilities is to open up academic and artistic programs, such as contests and internships. As I advance my career in Business Management that focuses on Hotel and Tourism, I will be able to understand the significance of youth mentoring.

The kids in Kalihi have impressive talents that are refined through their years, but they don't have the opportunity to use them usefully. However, in my youth empowerment campaign, I will organize a contest that are designed for youths, and the winners will be given the chance to use their ability to entertain guests and tourists in a hotel or in a different program; either way, the winners will have a jump start on their own career. Same idea for the internship, for those who have interest in business, they will be given the opening to further advance their interest; though the qualified interns will actually be able to work and feel business experience. This will benefit the students and company itself. Knowing that the interns from are a notorious community, the social will think that Kalihi isn't that an abomination that all.

Lastly, and most importantly, to help my community's biggest issue-gang violence, as a Businessman, I will start my own non-profit gang resistance organization that goes out to schools and teaches students from Kalihi using ex-cons from that area that violence and gangs are not the right way. And basically, another part of it is to create rehabilitation programs for kids and on the edge of failing school and "at-risk youths." Business won't be my only expertise; when I advance my education, I will also take other social science classes that widen my knowledge and understanding. Money won't be the thing that I'll contribute to my non-profit organization, but my expertise, time, and ambition to make a change. Since Kalihi is notorious, letting an organization cleanses the problem will inspire other communities to do the same thing-to help whatever the community needs.

SherlockLegends

Jan 9, 2015

Scholarship / The community where I live in right now is notorious for gang violence, especially for the youths. [3]

I did some revisions, and I followed what you said, though it is still iffy. Please help me polish. Thank you for helping me.

SherlockLegends

Jan 9, 2015

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

Here is the updated version of the essay. Thank you so much for helping me. I'm hoping to receive another feedback.

I change depends on the setting, whether I migrate from the other side of the world where the languages and cultures are different, or face a challenge that forces me out of my comfort zone; either way I always find a way to get through it.

In comparison to Philippines, where everyone is practically speaks the same language to live in harmony and tackle the vile obstruction of agony, the language barrier when I moved in to Hawaii is where I mostly changed. When I moved in to Hawaii, my first affliction was the language and the communication. I was marked as a FOB (Fresh of the Boat), a term to degrade immigrant kids. As a FOB, I receive some unwanted attentions due to the barrier and my shy personality; everyone was asking me about where I came from or something related to Philippines. It seemed like they were talking to me in a language that my brain doesn't comprehend and just placed me down in a bedlam. My only response was to slowly nod, meticulously saying "Yes", or acquiesces to their question. It was torture to encounter that situation every day. At that point, I realized that I don't have to deal with that situation anymore, which made me realized that I had to become my own teacher and teach myself. After innumerable times of listening to people's discourse of the language, I eventually gradually learned the divine diction of English, and an unexplainable feeling struck me-- an extravagant enjoyment feeling that tasted like the fruit of my perseverance after months of slaving over the dictionary like a scholar trying to cryptanalyze the code of discovery. I was forced to teach and change myself with knowledge helped me adapt my environment, in my case, learning the English language. Though my accent remains, it is an indication of my growth to language literacy. I had a new goal when I learned the language, which is mastering the language, be persuasive and silver-tonged. I thirst for eloquence and fluency after realizing the significance and strength of words and communication.

Through that ordeal, I didn't just change myself from speaking a language, but also, I learned how to be independent-which helps me for the rest of my life. The barrier hindered to everything that I wanted to fulfill. I wanted to learn more; I wanted to make friends; I wanted to be somebody, and not just a typical shy person in the corner; I wanted to break my shell, but I couldn't because of the barrier. However, in the end, my whole personality rapidly grew after breaking down the barrier. I changed myself from being invisible in the corner to the center of competitive honor roll ranking whose desire is to be eminent and show my undeveloped potentials. I changed myself by trying to step up my games through participating in all sorts of activities. And most of all, I changed myself because I wanted to be more.