Graduate / Master in Business Analytics Essay-Why is the next logical step? A big data analysis question [5]

BonBonCase,

I can tell you sentence-by-sentence why I would change what you have written, but basically it boils down to what you have does not read smoothly or makes a point that could be made in fewer words. The first sentence, for example, is something they will assume, so you don't need it at all. It's also not wholly accurate in that the study of business analytics is preparation for your professional life.

Undergraduate / Writing and Reading - How They Have Shaped Who I Am [6]

Hi, Jeffrey,
I like the way you write, but I think you are going in a direction that won't help you. If the talent/background/etc. is so meaningful that your application would not be complete without it, you should not have to shape your story to address the prompt. Simple advice: consider answering one of the other prompts. You need to get at something that reveals more of you and that you have stronger feelings about.

Graduate / Master in Business Analytics Essay-Why is the next logical step? A big data analysis question [5]

BonBonCase,
Did you get an undergraduate degree in accounting? If so, I stand by the wording that Is above. We say in the US, I was an accounting major or I majored in accounting. Both will make sense on a graduate school application for an American school. Student is understood. It's not needed. As far as the other issue about the differences between China and US accounting systems, I understand your point. Rephrase it to this: Before starting on my MBSA coursework, I expect to quickly grasp the differences between US and Chinese accounting practices.

Best,
Tampa Tutor Eric

Undergraduate / Leadership, service and progress - The motto of Georgia Tech. [12]

Logesh,
I think you need to work on transitions and consider making the examples follow the order of the prompt: Leadership, service, progress. Retell the story about the robotics competition to show an area of the project that you led. Use the outreach and speeches to others interested in a career in engineering as service. I get why progress is in the motto, but its a bit harder to weave into an admission essay. Perhaps show your progress toward electrical engineering. I love the examples you have. You have a good story.

Here's the way I would revise:

Have you ever thought about building something that could "think" and perform tasks on its own? That idea got me so excited I had to do it. Doing it made me feel like I was Doctor Frankenstein breathing life into a lifeless object. Tell the story as you did, but get to some part of the project that you led. Currently you stress teamwork, not leadership.

Then write a paragraph about service. Two years ago, I joined (name of student engineering organization). Although I did other work for the organization, I got the most satisfaction from speaking to middle school students about careers in engineering. Several times I spoke to classes at (place) and always felt proud to share my enthusiasm for the work engineers do. Be specific. Nobody cares that you directed people parking or delivered supplies. Give some specifics on the stuff that matters. Prove to them it happened in the last three years.

Then write a paragraph that says something like this: Progress should be in the motto of every school of engineering, but it presumes a lot for an engineering applicant (even a Georgia Tech applicant) to talk about how he or she has furthered human progress. I will say instead that I relish creating machines to think and perform tasks autonomously. Today, I do it because I want to win a competition and because it's fun. Someday, I hope to do it to solve significant problems and improve lives. In the meantime, I am proud to share my enthusiasm for engineering and to be an ambassador for a profession I anticipate joining. An ending like that comes back around to the image of creating autonomous machines that started the essay.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay- This is what makes me happy. [5]

I had some trouble sorting out what you were trying to say. I think you should be more direct. Don't start with what your friends ask. Just answer the questions.

This is what I would write:

I am a dentist and a dental surgeon. I have been practicing for 5 years in (name of city). I enjoy working with my patients to relieve their pain and to help them become better educated about their health so that they can change their habits and live longer, better lives. One of my frustrations as a dentist is that I am often fixing a problem that could have been prevented. I began my studies in public health through distance education while still running my dental practice.

Using what I learned, I have become a leader. I have organized health camps in (name of place) to help people learn better habits. I have helped people with obesity, diabetes, and hypertension learn the right habits to bring these conditions under control. I led a team of 7 that taught the sessions and organized the camps. Even though what I was asking was difficult, we achieved exceptional results. Many of the participants lowered their blood sugar, lost weight, were less tired, and were in better overall health.

Based on these results, I have been invited to do similar health camps in nearby communities. Receiving the scholarship to pay for my studies toward the MPH at (name of university) would allow me to get greater training in public health and to expand my opportunities to work for local nonprofits or for WHO.

Undergraduate / Leadership, service and progress - The motto of Georgia Tech. [12]

To me, that possibly is the ultimate satisfaction.To mold something from your own mind, almost like breathing purpose into an otherwise lifeless object. This previous sentence is a sentence fragment. It's not a complete sentence. I would take the sentence out.

I've been working with a team of engineers and indeed, one could say that working with a team of diverse engineer majors provides an unparalleled learning atmosphere. Apart from being one of my greatest experiences so far, the project has been the highlight of my progress into the field of computer science.

This opening is awkward because it repeats the part about working with the team. It could be more concise. It is vague because you make a claim without specifics. An unparalleled learning environment? How?

Write instead this: Competing gave me a unique opportunity to learn under pressure and apply classroom skills in a competitive arena. Solving the challenges that came up during competition required me to master new computer science skills. For instance, I learned Y to solve problem X.

Saying that the challenge was daunting is not good word choice. Look up daunting. It means challenging and intimidating. It makes you look weak. Just say it was challenging.

Teamwork, communication, and new perspectives of reasoning are lessons that I've learnt through overcoming challenges in this environment.

Teamwork and communication are not lessons. New perspectives of reasoning is not a lesson. Why not talk about skills you developed, instead of lessons you learned? In American English, I've learned.

Try something like this:
Competing in robotics sharpened my communication skills, honed my team management skills, and opened my mind to new methods of solving problems.

Apart from being one of my greatest experiences so far, the project has been the highlight of my progress into the field of computer science. The first part of this sentence isn't helping you. What specifically does it tell the reader that he or she does not know? You chose to expand on the experience in your essay, so they will assume it's a highlight and was great. Boil away the fat, and you are saying that the project pushed you deeper into computer science. That's the interesting part. Tell them how in one sentence.

Through an engineering based student organization I've gotten the opportunity to inspire students in difficult communities to take up engineering and robotics. Just say I have inspired students. Engineering-based is hyphenated. Why not just call it a service club or engineering club or whatever it is? What is an engineering-based student organization? Through Robotics Club, I inspired... What is a difficult community? Were the kids you talked to poor? Just say poor. Disadvantaged? Difficult is not the right word.

Safe to say I was not the perfect leader. Dude, you are selling yourself to one of the most selective schools in the US. What good does it do to tell them that? It's assumed you fell short of perfection. We all do. Don't draw attention to it. Leadership is in the motto, so the school values it. You won the competition, right? Just tell them that and they will assume you did something right.

Use plain words to tell the story about leadership. Here's your sentence: Leading a group to victory is fulfilling, not solely because of said victory but rather because of your leading command. Here's plain words to say the same thing: I really liked leading a team to victory in NASA's robotics completion. It felt good, not just to win, but also to know that I kept the team on track and kept them motivated. Make it easy for your reader to understand you point. Said victory, the aforementioned victory? The legalistic language obscures your meaning and puts distance between you and the reader.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / UVA supplements - Quirks and Literature that has unsetteled you [2]

i'm a thief. I pick my victims carefully. I've been a thief since second grade. Although spelling baffled me, I could trace the shape of every letter with ease. One morning, while completing my journal in Mrs. Wilkes' class, I decided my handwriting gave too much away. It was way too neat to belong to a second grader and often earned me the grueling task of being the scribe whenever I had to do groupwork.

One other piece of advice, don't end an essay on quirks with a cliche. UVA is looking for what is new, original, and fresh about you. The cliche obscures that. Instead, end with this sentence: Stealing your handwriting is my weird way to show I like or admire you.

Good luck! TampaTutorEric

Undergraduate / Meredith- Discuss your strengths [3]

Thereis,
The biggest problem with the essay is that it really does not demonstrate how you used your skills to plan for success. The geometry example is the closest to answering what you were asked, but it does not quite get there. As far as surface issues, you should make these three corrections:

Myself is one word.
A comma should follow When I am organized,
The first part of the sentence that closes the essay is awkward. Consider recasting it like this: Even though I have not always been confident of my abilities, I now realize that my strengths define me and will make me successful.

Good Luck,
Tampa Tutor Eric