Posts by CDuke93

CDuke93

Jan 14, 2017

Undergraduate / Application Essay - Describing Experience which taught me about myself and/or those around me [6]

Hey Messal and Holt,

Thanks for the great feedback. I added that one sentence based on feedback you gave in my previous essays (linking lifeguarding experience to pursing Pharmacy program).

I revised the essay based on your feedback, can you take another look and let me know your thoughts?

"Teaching St. John Ambulance Cadets (...)
... critical thinking and personal responsibility. After I taught the SMART Goal seminar, Cadets were required to submit their own SMART goals the next day. When reviewing their goals one-on-one I noticed Cadets critically thought about building and completing their SMART goals. This included considering if their goal was too large or small, their actions, and which resources they could use. The seminar I taught helped Cadets learn essencial leadership skills: building effective SMART goals and using appropriate available resources."

Thank you everyone!

CDuke93

Jan 14, 2017

Writing Feedback / Looking for a way out - Alcohol Intervention [3]

Hello Xinyi,

Please find below some feedback for your consideration

1) When describing studies and the results, add any relevant result information. This helps add powerful meaning to the statement.
E.g: " They concluded that the substantiate of alcohol use in United State is enhance"; **Change enhance to increased, and if possible, by how much? A quantitative value helps drive home the message on how much alcohol use has increased.

2) Grammar; I try not to use feedback to nitpick on grammar. You should seriously consider the flow and word choice used for some of your sentences.

E.g: "They capturing the period of greatest susceptibility to intensifying drinking",
** Is there a better word than capturing and intensifying? What are you trying to say? (Researchers names) were attempting to observe the time period where susceptibility of alcohol abuse was the highest? Start with individual sentences, ask "What did I get from this sentence", then ask "What did I want to say" and adjust your writing to ensure the answers for those two questions are the same.

Hopefully that helped! Be sure to revise your writing and post it in this thread again! This way we can continually give you feedback on your developing article :)

C

CDuke93

Jan 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / To what extent you agree with the idea that some teenagers lead an unhealthy lifestyle? [2]

Hello Liu!

Hopefully my feedback is helpful for you. I've considered your points and read your essay as a reader who wants to understand why young people don't care about their health.

1) Unnecessary Sentence Roots
- You seem to use statements at the beginning of your sentences that don't add much meaning (see examples below).
- Use joining statements (hence, therefore, due to,.... etc.) to join sentences that have a chronological or order-dependent content (e.g: I licked a metal pole in winter. Therefore I now understand why this isn't a good idea)

- Straight to the point. This helps the reader understand your message more clearly. Less fluff is more fun.

Example:
a. As far as I know, this subject has aroused ...
** Why do you include this? Straight to the point. You must know these facts if you wrote the essay.

b. To begin with , teenagers today are ...
**Not needed. Sounds just the same and more straight to the point without this. It'd be better to have your last sentence in the first paragraph introduce the main points, then start your next paragraph with the first item in the list of main points.

2) Condense Writing
- You have some structure, seen by how you introduce your reasoning in the respective paragraphs.
- Take out the fluff; straight to the point.

Hopefully that is a starting route for you. I'd recommend that you make those edits, then repost the writing in this thread. We can then give you continual feedback :)

Cheers,
C

CDuke93

Jan 13, 2017

Undergraduate / Application Essay - Describing Experience which taught me about myself and/or those around me [6]

Hello Everyone (Holt too),

I'm hoping to get some feedback on my 200-word essay below. I have included the question below as well:

Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that taught you something about yourself and/or the world around you. (maximum 200 words)

St. John Ambulance Cadets

Teaching St. John Ambulance Cadets (11-18) at the 2015 Non-Commissioned Officer Leadership Development Course (NCOLD) taught me about my strength in identifying opportunities for development and the impact of youth leadership education. As a NCOLDP Instructor, I was responsible for teaching a SMART Goal planning seminar and giving report cards for a small group of Cadets. Observing individual Cadet performance and providing suggestions for improvement showed me my strength in identifying and guiding development opportunities. I had noticed my observation and suggestion quality were motivated by my desire to help others and ability to be empathic. This included considering the struggle of being homesick and stress of regimental Cadet training. These strengths and intrinsic motivators are important in healthcare, especially when consulting with patients and considering drug treatment plans. Teaching leadership to youth showed me the positive impact on developing critical thinking and personal responsibility. Various types of leadership seminars are taught at NCOLDP; these seminars promote cadets to be responsible for their actions. I noticed Cadets gradually understood their actions were observed by others and served as a model. This realization helped Cadets critically think about what actions would represent a role model and guided development in their leadership.

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Undergraduate / Describing an Activity for University Admissions - Opinions Come Hither [5]

@Holt

Hello Holt. Yes of course, you may call me Chris!

That is impressive. You made that writing shine! Wish I had that incredible penmanship.

To answer your question, the description of the activity does count towards the 50 words. I can see how you tied in the science aspect and growth, very important. It is better to focus more on myself in these small writings or also throw a line to how others have been impacted?

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Undergraduate / I gradually felt a big part missing from me. [9]

@fall2017

Not a problem! Make sure you REPOST the revised essay in this thread :). We can then, as a community, give you more feedback and guide you to a wicked essay!

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Undergraduate / Describing an Activity for University Admissions - Opinions Come Hither [5]

Hello Everyone,

I am writing my application for university and would love to hammer down the technique for a strong essay. The following writing is to describe an activity. This activity is Toastmasters (public speaking) where I am the President and Founder. The question and my response have been included below:

Short Description for Activity 2* (maximum 50 words)

President of Toastmaster Club. This activity allows me to share my public speaking passion (science topics my favorite) and professional development upon others around me. I have learned mentor-ship and leadership through high and low member interest. Members have grown their confidence and speech-craft skills while working towards professional awards.

**Thank you everyone!

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Undergraduate / I gradually felt a big part missing from me. [9]

@fall2017

Hello fall2017! I'm hoping my feedback will be helpful.

From your writing, it is clear you have a story to tell and a background full of information to build up that story. I feel that you didn't address the prompt as directly as you could; the writing seemed to "clip" the prompt.

I'd recommend that you build a web or plot out your essay, start with what the obstacle is, and HOW this acted as a barrier for actions or in your life (sell the detriment of this obstacle). After setting the stage, build up the actions you took to counteract this barrier. This could be realizing the severity, gathering resources, planning and executing your actions. Then you could discuss how this broke the barrier and gave you a direction to move forward.

After you build this essay plot, consider how this relates to the program or faculty you are applying for. This can help smooth the edges of your essay and deliver strong relevance to the reason you are applying. Holt, a frequent community contributor will definitely bring this to your attention :)

Hopefully my feedback helped!

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

@Holt

Hello Holt! I'd have to say that after a few days on this website, I have really noticed your contribution. It is a great motivator to develop my writing and contribute to the community.

I'd like to add that the objective of my essay to convey that I had goals in subjects where I had no expertise in. Then through my efforts and background in somewhat related fields, I was able to succeed. I'm hoping that admissions would see this as an explanation of how I can succeed in a field that is completely new to me!

Do my comments above change your feedback or should I continue to revise this essay as you recommended?

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

@Holt
@mualla

Thank you to both of you for reading and evaluating my writing. I have made corrections as you recommended. When you have time, I'd appreciate it if you could look over my revised version. It would mean a lot to me. Thank you! FYI this is exactly 100 words!

I would love to study the UBC PharmD program because of unique teaching techniques and location. Throughout my education, I understand, retain information and test well when course material is taught through different techniques. These include lectures, tutorials, case studies, placement and examination methods such as assignments, presentations and objective structured clinical exams. All of these unique teaching and examination styles are promoted in UBC's PharmD program. Having a complementary learning style will both help me prepare for the knowledge and skills required by future pharmacists. The location also provides opportunity outside of classes to maintain a balanced university life.

CDuke93

Dec 14, 2016

Scholarship / "I am a low-income student." - Statement of need for financial assistance [4]

@tlin2008

Hello tlin2008. I'm hoping my advice will be helpful for you

"I am the 1st child to attend the college..."
** What importance does being the first child in your family to attend college have in respect to needing financial assistance? I'd like to recommend you consider rephrasing this, putting more importance on the support your family has given you (specify one or two types of support). You may then briefly include a small statement on how you are the ONLY child of your family to attend college because of the financial burden it imposes.

"This scholarship would allow me to work less and focus more on my studies. Meanwhile, this scholarship will support me ..."
** I'd recommend you consider what you are saying here. Work less to focus more on studies, yet more time to do more community service. This seems to be a contradiction. It might be better to state that without the pressure and demand to work, you can focus on your studies and maintaining a balanced university life through volunteering.

Overall tlin, I'd recommend you draw out a skeleton of your essay and restructure it to add more flow. This is important for the reader to really understand your message. Perhaps start with your program and why you'd like to continue studying, the reason why you need financial assistance, how this will benefit you in your studies and in the future.

** If possible, I'd also recommend you add the prompt or essay question to really help users see what you are being asked.

Best of luck,
Chris

CDuke93

Dec 13, 2016

Writing Feedback / The increasing number of the elderly people and its influence on society [2]

Hello Zen,

Your writing is well structured, I can tell that you've planned out how to deliver the message on the number of elderly people and effect on society. I'd like to give you some encouraging feedback.

It would be helpful to introduce your main talking points within your introduction. "This essay will argue that aging population has more adverse effects rather than positive ones.". Can you perhaps include the main three points in this statement? Including such statements will help the message flow even better, especially since the message of each paragraph is clear within the topic sentence.

Hope this was helpful :)

CDuke93

Dec 13, 2016

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

@Holt

Hello Holt! Excellent feedback. Thank for you helping me towards a more powerful essay. I have revised the essay with your feedback. Would you mind taking another glance?

My goal in aquatics was to develop swimming and lifesaving skills by completing the Bronze Cross/Medallion and National Lifesaving (Lifeguard) Course. These goals were relevant to my healthcare and fitness interest along with my background in the medical profession (EMR License and St. John Ambulance). To accomplish these goals...

CDuke93

Dec 13, 2016

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

Hello Everyone!

I'm writing my essays for an application package and would love your feedback! This essay details more about a specific activity. I chose aquatics/swimming as my activity/sport. Please find below the question and my response.

Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above by explaining what your goals were, the role you played, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)

swimming and lifesaving

My goal in aquatics was to develop swimming and lifesaving skills by taking Bronze Cross/Medallion and the National Lifesaving (Lifeguard) Course. These goals were relevant to my interest in healthcare and fitness and background in the medical profession (EMR License and St. John Ambulance volunteer). To accomplish these goals, my role was to become proficient in swimming; a skill I had not developed prior. I also needed to be an active leader and student, able to lead during the First Aid Scenarios, understand aquatic lifesaving techniques and utilize feedback. Other roles included being diligent to review material and commit to developing my swimming ability through swimming ten hours a week and researching swim techniques via YouTube. Through this experience, I learned the aquatics can be an excellent low-impact cardiovascular exercise, emergency aquatic techniques, and the ability to develop a skill and aspect that I never had developed previously.

CDuke93

Dec 13, 2016

Undergraduate / My desire for a liberal arts education with a perfect academic and social environment balance. [3]

Hello Maruko42,

Since I have always longed (...) everyone studies what they love.
**I'm not too sure what how this answers the question. I'd recommend you open your essay by directly addressing the question and use 2 topics. You can then use the remainder of the essay to expand on each broad topic in more detail. You can relate to their four characteristics, but you should really set the essay up to explain your interest in Hamiltion and how it will help you thrive.

Strong departments of Economics, ...
**I'd remove strong if you are not going to elaborate or have it tie into your answer. Do any of these departments relate to your studies? This should be made clear in the essay. Once you clarify why your studies relate to a specific department, you can dive deeper into why they interest you. This will help connect YOU to the university.

CDuke93

Dec 13, 2016

Writing Feedback / IS IT ACCEPTABLE FOR CHILDREN TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGE AT PRIMARY SCHOOL? WRITING TASK 2 [2]

@NinaJoesuf25

NinaJoesuf25

Needless to say ; ** could you replace this with a different phrase? What I interpret is that while adults may argue on the pro/con of foreign language, children don't understand that when they study such languages. Perhaps rephase the start of this sentence to clarify that. "Unlike those who study the effects of linguistics in primary school..."

... confused regarding this sphere, and this impacts their development.
** I feel that you could rephrase this latter part to improve readability. "and hence negatively impact..."

Where possibly , learning foreign language should be considered ...
**I'd recommend either changing to "Wherever possible" OR rephrasing this sentence to have "wherever possible" at the end of the sentence. This would place more focus on the importance of learning foreign language.

Hopefully this was helpful feedback! Please let me know how I can change my feedback to be more helpful. :_

Chris

CDuke93

Dec 13, 2016

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

@Holt
Thank you very much for the feedback. I revised my original essay. Would you mind critiquing this?

I would love to study the UBC PharmD program because of the unique teaching techniques and location. I understand, retain information and test well when course material is taught through different techniques. These include lectures, tutorials, ...

CDuke93

Dec 12, 2016

Undergraduate / 'the program uniqueness and location of UBC'. Your Opinion on my UBC Admissions Question Response [6]

Hello Everyone! I'm brand new here and excited to contribute to this cool community. I'm currently applying for pharmacy at UBC and part of the admission process requires essay answers. I am hoping to get feedback on one of my responses :)

Question: Applicants may wish to explain why they want to study their particular program at UBC. (maximum 100 words)

Response (100 words exactly!):

I would love to study the PharmD program at UBC because of the program uniqueness and location of UBC. From educational sessions and discussion with Carol Kuang, it is clear that the UBC PharmD program desires to be a leader in Canadian Pharmaceutical Education. The Alumni Agent of Change demonstrates leadership, professionalism and cooperation that I desire to contribute towards. Opportunity of a Graduate PharmD degree also interests me. Vancouver is a high-activity location for St. John Ambulance, an organization I wish to contribute to while committed to studies. My desire to study, lead and connect makes me choose UBC.

Thank you for your time everyone! FYI, "study, research, connect" is on their Pharmacy website, and hence I modified it a bit and added it at the end as a conclusion.