Posts by JunYuan

JunYuan

Aug 28, 2009

Writing Feedback / Students should be in control of their own education (IBT) [4]

students shouldplay active role when they take part in any class.

Add in "an" between the word "play" and "active".

but can not control their education

"Can not" is spelt together as "cannot"

they can not get the best result.

Again the word "can not". Also "result" should be plural with an "s".

we are easier to get our targets.

It should be "we can easily get our targets" or "it is easier to achieve our targets."

such as books, notebooks, lessons, materials, projects, essays, and so on.

Since you already used the words "such as", you can actually remove the "and so on" at the end. Bring the "and" to inbetween "projects" and "essays".

Professors play important role to direct students to the correct way, but not control them all of time on the way they choose.

"Role" should be plural as in "roles". Otherwise, add an "an" to become "professors play an important role".

You might want to make "way" plural to become "ways".
"All of time" is incorrect: it should be "all the time".

Everyone has his or her own aims, he or she plans and implements to get the target.

These two sentences are independent clauses that need something stronger than a comma to separate. I suggest you use a semicolon(;) to separate the two sentences Otherwise, you can add an "and" after the comma.

I also feel that you should use "achieve" and not use "get" for the word "target".

JunYuan

Aug 27, 2009

Writing Feedback / it is important to find out if the decision will be popular with others (IBT) [5]

tuanlnc

I think it is not important. Because each person has their own targets, living conditions and capabilities.

You should link both sentences up because "I think it is not important" is an independent clause and the sentence that follows is a subordinate clause.

The word "their" should be "his or her" as "their" is a plural pronoun and the words "each person" doesn't agree with it.

So the revised sentence could be something like this:

"I think it is not important because each person has his or her own targets, living conditions and capabilities."
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We have our own targets, so we can not make the similar decision as everybody.

"Can not" should be spelt as "cannot". I suggest phrasing the sentence this way:

"As we have our own targets, we cannot make similar decisions"

JunYuan

Aug 27, 2009

Writing Feedback / GRE: Corporate executives' responsibility [4]

Thanks Sean and Simone for those invaluable suggestions.

JunYuan

Aug 26, 2009

Writing Feedback / GRE: Corporate executives' responsibility [4]

Question:

"The only responsibility of corporate executives, provided they stay within the law, is to make as much money as possible for their companies."

My answer:

The statement proposes that, so long as it is legal, corporate executives simply need to be responsible for the profitability of the company for which they serve. This perspective is only partially accurate, but mostly flawed. Corporate executives certainly have more responsibilities than that.

It is easy to understand that corporate executives serve companies that, in turn, are usually owned by shareholders. Most shareholders demand profits from companies that they have invested in. Consequently, corporate executives indirectly serve these shareholders and must therefore work towards fulfilling the shareholders' primary demand - profitability. A failure to do so often results in monetary disincentives that are unbearable to many. Hence, making as much money as possible for the company becomes an imperative for these corporate executives.

However, it is becoming extremely obvious that the shareholders of today are becoming increasingly sophisticated. No longer is short-term profitability the only concern; other concerns are becoming important as well. Shareholders today understand the virtues of sustainability and environmentalism. "Corporate social responsibility" is becoming a catch-phrase that certainly demands corporate executives' attention. Aspiring solely for profitability is, hence, an anachronistic management philosophy.

It is also disquieting to see the use of the words "only responsibility" in the statement. It is as if to suggest that these corporate executives live lives that solely revolved around work; nothing else. If one gives a cursory thought about the statement, one quickly realizes that clearly there must exist some degree of personal responsibilities in these individuals' personal lives. Hence, the existence of other personal responsibilities automatically nullifies the accuracy of this statement.

Finally, one should also challenge the usefulness of such money-centred paradigm. The statement seems to exude an impression that focusing on money is the right and only way for corporate executives to behave. However, such mentally has often been argued as one of the main causes of the recent financial crisis. To divest oneself of all other responsibilities, other than to make as much money as possible, is likely to lead to a greedy society. That would certainly be undesirable.

In conclusion, it is easy to empathize what is being expressed by the statement. However, focusing primarily on money-making is a wayward mentality that has since made way for other more well-rounded paradigms. Additionally, shareholders certainly do not have only one responsibility in life; they normally have many more. Lastly, one should also question the validity of such mentality and think about the likely impact it would have on society.

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Guys, thank you so much for taking the time to read my essay. Please give me your most honest and constructive feedback. Thanks once again.

JunYuan

Aug 26, 2009

Writing Feedback / Old saying; 'experience is the best teacher' -Review for CLEP [11]

it is difficult to keep track of the new gadgets and equipment that is being invented.

Should be an "are" here because of the word "and".
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The formal education or education that takes place in schools and classrooms is like the working of the computer.

I would suggest including commas to make it a parenthesis so as to avoid looking too messy.

The formal education, education that takes place in schools and classrooms, is like the working of the computer.
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tables of 13 and 23 and such

I actually didn't know what you were talking about. Then eventually I figured out that you probably were refering to the "multiplication table" or "time table". I might still be wrong, but I think you know what I'm implying.

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Or why we have to learn the long and winding lines of a poet, long dead and perhaps forgotten. But when it comes to the "real world", we may need the same tables to see if we can buy groceries from our daily allowance. Or win the heart of a lovely maiden using those very long and winding lines!

Starting a sentence with a conjunction like "or" often draws a little attention. Although it is widely acceptable to start a sentence with a conjunction, I think starting TWO sentences with "or" so close together might be a little uncalled-for.

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However, more importantly, we should go to school for our advance studies.

Can I suggest removing the word "However"? It seems a little redundant and, infact, the clause that follows seems to support the previous sentence rather then contradict it.

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It is important to learn the basics of any profession, be it Accounts, Architecture, Engineering or even Medicine, in the environment of a school or a college.

The study of accounts is known as accountancy. I would suggest that you change "Accounts" with the word "Accountancy". I'm not sure if you should be capitalizing all the initial letters of each field of study as they are established words. I don't think you should.

JunYuan

Aug 25, 2009

Writing Feedback / Old saying; 'experience is the best teacher' -Review for CLEP [11]

Sad_Angel, that comma is unnecessary.

JunYuan

Aug 25, 2009

Writing Feedback / GRE: Knowledge and Rejection of Authority [5]

Thanks Notoman for aiding me with my English.

Thanks Sean for correcting my inaccuracies and also giving me added suggestions.

Thanks Simone for those pointers on GRE.

Thank you guys.

JunYuan

Aug 23, 2009

Writing Feedback / GRE: Knowledge and Rejection of Authority [5]

Question:

"Great advances in knowledge always require rejection of authority."

Answer:

The statement asserts that advancement of knowledge always requires a rejection of authority. I agree with the statement for most part of it. However, one should also sense disquiet with the word "always". The statement seem to suggest that every single "great advances", without exclusion, will "always involve" a rejection of authority. This is unrealistic and inaccurate.

In most great advancements of knowledge, often the individuals involved first began by questioning old doctrines. Galileo questioned the Roman Catholic's dogmatic view of a flat Earth, consequently, leading to the discovery that the Earth is round. Copernicus rejected the Roman Catholic's Geocentric model leading to the discovery of Heliocentricism. Former bodies of knowledge, often authoritatively held, have tendancies of being impedances to advancements. It would thus, in many cases, be useful to first reject these authorities to free up one's mind for new possibilities.

However, many great advancements were made without even a single existing authority to be questioned. Adventitious discoveries are good examples. Also, consider archeological expeditions where new fossils are being discovered and great knowledge being advanced. Clearly, none of these would have involved having to reject any authorities. They were simply, new additions to our understanding.

In conclusion, although many new advances to our knowledge were made after rejection of authorities, there exist a considerable number of advancements that certainly did not involve any such rejections. A more accurate statement would therefore be to say that most great advances of knowledge require rejection of authority.

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Hi guys, this is my first ever attempt at a GRE essay question. I don't know what is really expected and would appreciate any comments. Thanks a lot guys.