Posts by forbetterdani

forbetterdani

Feb 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018. [4]

Crime statistics

The graph below shows the perceived danger and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime.

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Hello. This is my practice for IELTS writing task 1. Thanks in advance for your feedback :)
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The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018. The data is measured in percent and covers 3 types of crimes which are burglary, car crime, and violent crime. It is noticeable that all of them crimes were overestimated and the most common case was car crime in both years.

The gaps between predicted and actual cases of all categories were immense, either in 2009 or in 2010. All of the three types had much greater envisaged percentage, but the hugest among them was experienced by car crime. This criminal act witnessed more than 20% gap in 2009 and about 5% lower in the next year. Meanwhile, the other two types only experienced more or less a tenth gaps.

A closer look at the date shows that car crime cases stood out as the most frequent criminal action estimated and happened. Although its prediction which was previously projected to be 20% fell by roughly 5% in 2010, the real case proportion remained the same. The prediction for burglary and violent crime also saw similar percentages and trends, both smaller in 2010. In reality, violence happened more often than burglary, however.

forbetterdani

Feb 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / "You can learn about the character of a country from the way that treat animal" - Practice again [5]

Hi Pal. I am not sure about what this writing is for, but before you read my feedback, I want you to know that I base my review on academic writing style. If you do a casual or semi-formal writing, then just neglect the redfeedback. I hope it is helpful.

Academic writing style uses the third-person point of view. Thus, the word I, we and us should be avoided and use passive form instead. E.g.

However, I don't think we can examine the character of a country >>>> However, it is unreasonable to judge the character of a country

....culture, economy and psychology aspect. >>>> cultural, economic and psychological aspects. (adjective + noun)

It is the culture and the culture is formed for thousand years. [repetition]>>>> It is their culture and this have been formed for thousands of years

.....they are different from us.

Your second body paragraph does not belong to this topic. It makes your writing lack of coherence.

In some poor countries, people have nothing to eat and they have to feed hundreds of children everyday.

After reading your writing thoroughly, i find that your reasoning does not strongly stick to the topic, especially your second body paragraph. I suggest you to include "animal" in each paragraph to give better coherence.

Keep writing pal :)

forbetterdani

Feb 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / Rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete [2]

You have good skill of paraphrasing. Your position in introduction is clear enough. However, you need to improve the use of punctuation as it would be a little confusing to read sentences without proper use of comma, e.g.: 1. Alongside that, local communities (no comma); 2. It is undoubtedly noticed that, many of them are attracted; 3. For instance, in India, weaving profession (with comma)

Body 1:
-You use excessive cohesive devices here
-It is undoubtedly noticed that, many of themare attracted ....
It is not clear what "them" refers to. I suggest you to make sure that you have written the main subjects clearly before you use subject pronouns.

Body2:
-AlthoughGlobalization has broughta few job opportunities tothe society, but it has deprived impact ...
1. Grammar: Although ........, ...... (direct clause without "but"); 2. collocation: brought + for
-....weaving profession isseverely affected...
You need passive voice here.

Conclusion:
-rapid expansion of supermarkets always have a threat
My advice is: avoid over-generalization (always, none, every etc.)

Keep writing pal :)

forbetterdani

Feb 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / Gender equality has been achieved? Unlikely. [2]

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Hello. This is my practice for IELTS writing task 2. Thanks in advance for reviewing my writing :)
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Role of Women in Society

Over the last 5 decades, society's outlook on women role has changed substantially. Even though it seems that gender equality is about to be achieved, it is not completely true. Most females still have less opportunity to experience promising career path compared to their male counterparts.

Some people may argue that society these days have treated women the same as men. They base their view on the fact that, in modern day, there are more females holding high position in companies. According to the latest survey carried on by University of Indonesia, the proportion of female managers has doubled compared to that in 1980s. In addition, they also earn the equal amount of salary as men with the same position. Thus, it is generally believed that gender does not matter anymore in this globalization era.

However, they neglect the fact that most of those successful women have undergone harder obstacle than men to get on the top. It is because the majority of jobs offered to them are low-paid. As an impact, hey have to make much greater effort to achieve the same position as men. These women experience harder situations such as working overtime to show that they are capable to handle more difficult duties. Apart from working conditions, they also often seen as the ones who have full responsibility to take care of their family. As such, for married women, it is more challenging to work outside their homes.

In conclusion, gender equality is not truly achieved considering the fact that females need to experience more immense challenges to be i the same position as males. It can only be considered as gender equality if both sexes have equal achievement by doing equal effort.