Posts by niennien260 [Suspended]

niennien260

Nov 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / Nowadays children are consuming too many sugar based drinks. what are the reasons and solutions? [5]

@chinkybehl22
I think you make a clear point of views in your essay. But I think maybe you can slightly change the last paragraph.

Parents should inculcate healthy practices ... The government should...

Can change in this way:
With these solutions, children can lead a more healthy life than ever before. In fact, instead of keeping a firm grip on children's eating habits, it's wiser to help them cultivate self-descipline in the long run.

niennien260

Nov 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over 20 years [8]

@Holt
Thanks for your bonus advice and examples, I really appreciate it.
But I am still a little confused about some points,like which paragraph shuld I put the overview summary?I origially put ut it on paragraph two,which is obviously too short.

The writing structure comes from a IELTS learning website,it tells people to write in four paragraphs.
*Introduction(paraphrase the question)
*Overview(the most noticeable features/trends)
*Details(select key information,include numbers,make comparisons)
*Details(select key information,include numbers,make comparisons)
Anyway,I know you have made the exception for me,so I won't ask more.Again,I really appreciate your help.

I hope I can apply your advice:)

niennien260

Nov 12, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Essay - The birth rate begin to fall and the population is aging [8]

@nisarahma
I am not master in writing,so there's little I can help you.

I think you can use another way to express,like:
However,some reserachers have already contributed to solve this case.They advocated providing government's subsidies to family with newborn babies.They also suggested that government should cover the expenditure of health care for mother and childs.

I think the original sentence is too long,and the structure is too complicated to understand.So maybe you can try writing in short but precise sentences.Hope this can help you.

niennien260

Nov 12, 2017

Writing Feedback / The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over 20 years [8]

The original photo is too big,so I upload it again.

new.jpg

niennien260

Nov 12, 2017

Writing Feedback / The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over 20 years [8]

@Holt
Thanks for your correction and reminder!I really appreciate your help,it is really helpful!
I haven't posted in this forum before,so I don't think there is a big chance for finding someone who would like to help me,which is also the reason I only asked for grammar correction.I know I still have a big room for improvement so I would like to know the sructure problems you pointed out above.Here is the original stem.Thanks for your help!

niennien260

Nov 12, 2017

Writing Feedback / The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over 20 years [8]

uk schools budget expedintures

The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over a 20-year period.

It is clear that the majority of the school budget went on teacher's salaries.By contrast,the percentage of insurance's spending steadily remained the lowest.

In 1981,the cost on teachers' salaries represented 40％,than reached to 50％ in 1991,but ended up in 45％ in 2001.Overall,there was a fluctuation on the expenditure of teachers' salaries over the span of twenty years.The spending of insurance showed a rising trend throughout the 20-year period,growing from 2％ to 8％ by 2001.

The cost for furniture and equipment fluctuated over the period.It stood at 15％ in 1981,declined by 10％ in 1991,finally rose to 23％ in 2001.Overall,there was an increase.In contrast,the proportion of spending on resources showed a decrease.It also fluctuated throughout the twenty years,but it strated at 15％,slightly increased by 5％ in 1991,and finally went down at 9％ in 2001.