Posts by sugarcanexox

sugarcanexox

Nov 17, 2017

Undergraduate / What factors have shaped me - influenced by surrounding people, especially by one boy; my first love [4]

Try to avoid using excessive words. For example, you can change

"I personally consider my ..."

to

"I believe that my character was strongly influenced by surrounding people, especially a particular boy."

Also, try to use transition words where appropriate. Usually, transition words are placed when talking about a new time and place, or comparing/contrasting ideas

For example, instead of

"He lived 5,000 miles ..."

to

"Although this boy lived 5,000 miles away from me, he somehow stayed in my heart for 3 years"

I will check again later, hope this helps for now :)

sugarcanexox

Nov 17, 2017

Writing Feedback / A paragraph about "Causes of children obesity" [4]

I recommend using e-prime. It allows your paragraph to have more specific information. Basically, you do not use any form of the verb "to be" (is,was,are,were,be, been, will be)

For example

"Childhood obesity has increased dramatically in many countries, and (observers) have noticed several reasons why the number of obese children continues to grow."

"First and foremost, more and more children consume soft drinks and fast food on a regular basis. Frequently consuming junk food can lead to obesity at a young age, which can cause an earlier onset of health problems related to obesity, such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and sleep apnea."

"Studies have also shown that most children live a rather sedentary lifestyle. A possible cause could involve the popularity of social network applications, such as Facebook or Snapchat, instead of encouraging children to exercise and play sports." (I recommend using whatever apps most people use).

" For these reasons aforementioned, children should learn how to raise awareness about health problems associated with obesity so they can help combat the issue."

sugarcanexox

Nov 16, 2017

Undergraduate / Fashion Institute Of Technology/FIT Fashion Business Management essay "evolution of fashion" [3]

My curIosIty toward the fashion

My childhood self wanted to leave a mark on the world with self expression: If I felt sad, I burst into tears around others and spoke my sorrows. If I felt angry, I screamed with rage. If I felt happy, I would dance on tables. However, I soon realized how much expressing extreme emotions made you an easy target for others to attack you, causing me to feel vulnerable and exposed. So instead of expressing myself emotionally, I began expressing myself with clothing. Wearing a dress and sparkly flats made me feel like a princess. Sometimes, I wanted to have an edgy appearance with black jeans and combat boots. On other days, i experimented with layering to put a spin on old outfits. Wearing self-styled outfits allowed me to showcase my feelings without exposing vulnerability.

In middle school, my public school district sent me to an alternative school for emotional issues. Since the children would start fights all the time, I had no one to talk to. Sometimes, I just wanted to stay in my room all day and cry. Day after day, my situation stayed consistent. The tears couldn't stop falling. Eventually, I realized that i had to find a way to cope with my emotions, or I wouldn't have the strength to handle life. So, I decided to explore my interests in fashion even further. I sewed some of my own clothes, from a skirt to hair bows. Later, I took a summer Fashion Design course at Mercer County Community College.I fell in love with not only the creative aspects of fashion, but using different color combinations and a target audience to sell clothing in the highly competitive fashion world. My knowledge of fashion expanded beyond just design since taking the class.

Three years flew by fast, and suddenly I returned to my public school district for High School. At first, the idea of walking into my public high school terrified me. I imagined other students giving me cold looks and perceiving me as a freak. To dissolve my fears, I tried to hide anything about my past or personality and camouflage with the norms of my high school - to overachieve academically. However, my attempts only improved my school experience a little. Friends left almost as quickly as they came. I dropped AP classes, since they lacked interesting content. Chasing after the standards of academic excellence that other students in my school had felt pointless. So, I decided to go against the norms of my school.

Afterwards, I had a hard time finding a path to follow. Seconds began to feel invaluable. Life started to turn into a meaningless cycle of waking up, attending school, and going to sleep. My mind slowly plunged into a void of nothing. Yet, just when my life seemed like it lost all meaning, I had one last thought: How come I feel worse now than when I went to an alternative school? I realized my answer lied in the past: I survived by indulging myself in the world of fashion. However, I no longer have the emotional turmoil to dress according to how I feel. Right now, I have a bunch of questions: What factors influence someone to buy a certain clothing item? How do fashion trends evolve? How can you predict what trends will go in and out of style? Because no one ever stays the same throughout their lives - they change and grow constantly, along with fashion.

I have chosen a degree in Fashion Business Management, since I can find the answers to my questions that way. I will finally have the ability to predict what clothes will go in style, and how to make a store's inventory appeal to a target audience. My final goal will allow me to have a position as a Stylist, so I can arrange outfits to reflect different ideas and concepts.

This essay is currently not finished, but would like some editing/writing help!