Writing Feedback / Marriage or employment? PTE academic [3]

Peter,
Your grammar and syntax suggest that this is academic writing. If that's the case, perhaps you could add some sort of evidence to back up some of the claims you make outside of the experiences of people you know? Their experience is definitely relevant, and not harmful to your essay in and of itself, but having them stand alone as the only evidence you offer weakens your argument. For example, in the second to last paragraph, you say that "it is known that potential employers would prefer unmarried individuals," but you don't say who knows that, or any statistical evidence to support that it is known, or that it is true. You do an excellent job explaining why you think it is true, but you force your reader to assume that you're correct just because of the experience someone they don't know told you (another person they may not know, and therefor can't validate).

You definitely display an understanding of higher-level writing conventions, and I think fixing this one thing will push your paper over the edge. Good luck!

Undergraduate / I am the last of 6 siblings who went to college. This is dream my transfer essay [3]

Be careful of trying too hard to make your essay a full feature-length film of your life. The best way to avoid this is by organizing your essay in a manner that excludes any extraneous details that aren't relevant to the topic. You have a great message, but it's difficult to find out what it is because of all of the "clutter" around it. The committee may not be patient enough to look for it. One example of how to organize the paper, not necessarily the only way, is to begin by introducing your father's diagnosis, and your subsequent withdrawal. Then, introduce how you coped with the reality of your situation at Lonestar. Then you can close with your goals for the future, and how UT can help you get there. Good luck!

Undergraduate / UT Austin Transfer Essay A (Apply Texas) - Help on statement of purpose (Theatre Major) [3]

Ben,

I think your essay is coming along well. I think, as far as organization goes, you could really strengthen your essay by putting your "hard truths" along with the similar idea about your previous academic issues. Both of these indicate growth and maturity, and together show the impact both theatre and hopefully UT will have on your growth. Doing this will also "de-clutter" what is an otherwise effective closing paragraph. Good luck!