Ebbie1
Mar 5, 2018
Scholarship / Essay about How do you pay your tuition and living expenses while in college? [3]
@Sophia123
'But, none of this I told my mother. I told her ...'
My take on this sentence is simple: Delete everything after mother. you do not want your school thinking you're a liar, right? just say something like, I didn't tell my mother. I was going to try and meet with faculty and ....( this shows you take initiative which is a good sign).
you were vague and said volunteer and other activities(be specific!) tell the committee which volunteer work(s) brought about this new found revelation. Let them also see what type of volunteer work you speak of.
bad not pad (grammar error)
It's good that you said the next day you went there (initiative and responsibility-colleges like that).
as for your father retiring, I believe you can say something like ," In this/at this year, my father just retired which had a grave impact on our finances and showed the importance of a scholarship to fund my educational pursuits. My father had the sole responsibility of taking care of my two siblings who were also in college and this encouraged me to work harder for a scholarship.
you said you had to face this 'alone by myself' (repetition!) alone is already by yourself. choose one.
instead of saying nothing is impossible, I think writing, 'However, despite all of this drawbacks, I persevered and am currently a senior student in the faculty of archaeology. The experiences I passed through were some of the hardest in my life... My tuition fees are covered by my university and i received the honor of being recognised at the end of my first year as the best student in my faculty" (this sounds or seems better, your take?)
Despite a busy day at school, I go to work in the evenings as a Call center rep as a means to cover all my other university expenses.Due to my volunteering at (be specific!)...I emerged as the vice president of...
your closing paragraph isn't strong (it needs to be stronger if you want to leave with a close that makes them remember you). Try to make it more refined and you'll be good to go.
Main flaws:
Your grammar isn't giving off the best vibes towards your essay especially as a senior in college (make your grammar more College like)
make your grammar stronger...i've corrected some of your sentences which makes it stand out more because those previous sentences you write made your work look like a high school student.
Sentence construction
grammar
Pros: your essay is showing that you didn't give up. it shows some form of determination. you also answered the prompt which is key.
I hope I was able to help you out.
If you work on it a bit, it will be exceptional!
say something about how your academics or athletics or whatever it is that gave you the full tuition scholarship is still a driving force for you. you can't and shouldn't just say you received a tuition scholarship. Let them know what made you so unique that despite the other students who must've worked hard for this scholarship you received it. you get?
@Sophia123
'But, none of this I told my mother. I told her ...'
My take on this sentence is simple: Delete everything after mother. you do not want your school thinking you're a liar, right? just say something like, I didn't tell my mother. I was going to try and meet with faculty and ....( this shows you take initiative which is a good sign).
you were vague and said volunteer and other activities(be specific!) tell the committee which volunteer work(s) brought about this new found revelation. Let them also see what type of volunteer work you speak of.
bad not pad (grammar error)
It's good that you said the next day you went there (initiative and responsibility-colleges like that).
as for your father retiring, I believe you can say something like ," In this/at this year, my father just retired which had a grave impact on our finances and showed the importance of a scholarship to fund my educational pursuits. My father had the sole responsibility of taking care of my two siblings who were also in college and this encouraged me to work harder for a scholarship.
you said you had to face this 'alone by myself' (repetition!) alone is already by yourself. choose one.
instead of saying nothing is impossible, I think writing, 'However, despite all of this drawbacks, I persevered and am currently a senior student in the faculty of archaeology. The experiences I passed through were some of the hardest in my life... My tuition fees are covered by my university and i received the honor of being recognised at the end of my first year as the best student in my faculty" (this sounds or seems better, your take?)
Despite a busy day at school, I go to work in the evenings as a Call center rep as a means to cover all my other university expenses.Due to my volunteering at (be specific!)...I emerged as the vice president of...
your closing paragraph isn't strong (it needs to be stronger if you want to leave with a close that makes them remember you). Try to make it more refined and you'll be good to go.
Main flaws:
Your grammar isn't giving off the best vibes towards your essay especially as a senior in college (make your grammar more College like)
make your grammar stronger...i've corrected some of your sentences which makes it stand out more because those previous sentences you write made your work look like a high school student.
Sentence construction
grammar
Pros: your essay is showing that you didn't give up. it shows some form of determination. you also answered the prompt which is key.
I hope I was able to help you out.
If you work on it a bit, it will be exceptional!
say something about how your academics or athletics or whatever it is that gave you the full tuition scholarship is still a driving force for you. you can't and shouldn't just say you received a tuition scholarship. Let them know what made you so unique that despite the other students who must've worked hard for this scholarship you received it. you get?
