Posts by bxddxst

bxddxst

Sep 4, 2018

Scholarship / Biomedical engineer - Personal statement - I'm interested to apply for KGSP scholarship [4]

Hello there from Indonesia,
Since I want to apply for this scholarship too, I have to address you over your weaknesses.

Firstly, when I was reading along your essay, I was seeing someone who showed their achievements and great commendations but lack of contribution. Try to reckon as the scholarship committee and think about these questions thoroughly and with a vengeance,

Are they looking for someone who have myriad achievements but lack of social sensitivity or a scholar who have good commendations yet own high social awareness?

Moreover, I only see the interest of Korea but not the impact of it to your study, future, or any aspects within yourself though. This should be considered as well.

Despite your top-notch awards, I have not seen any specific award in which it is align to your future. Here you also did not bring your big picture goal about what you want to be as it will beneficially connect to your study plan for sure.

Last but not least, I suppose you to be little bit aware to your social neighbourhood as it is your chance to build your great essay after all.

bxddxst

Sep 1, 2018

Scholarship / I'll be able to make things happen; Motivations with which you apply for the KGSP [3]

Hello roy,
I'm glad that I can meet someone who intending to apply for the same scholarship as I did, but exhale your breath though since I'm not pinoy hehehe. I'm Indonesian.

Ok, so, the thing that i want to highlight from your essay is you have to divide your essay into several paragraphs thus the committee will enjoy to read your whole essay.

Secondly, you have to be specific to Korea education aspect. If I suppose myself as the committee, I'll ask to this essay like,

"what makes our education better than your country?"

"what aspect that catch your intention through our education?"

Moreover, you have to note that every essay has its prelude, main body, and conclusion. Either you want to follow it or not it's all up to you but as long as I have learnt, my tutor in my Academic Writing class said so.

Furthermore, I have seen several grammatical error to your essay,

1. Thus, ~~its~~ difficult ... 👉 it's

2. It ~~wasn't~~ easy to ... 👉 was not 👉 add comma after this word to separate it from I became . . . since because of phrase needs to be followed by noun/noun phrase.

3. ~~I'll~~ able to ... 👉 I will be able : do not make any contraction since this is a formal type essay for scholarship.

So, what you need to aware more is your contraction. Eradicating the contraction will ace your essay in a whole form.

I hope you'll get your success on this scholarship.

Anyway, may I have your social media so we can get in touch regarding this KGSP stuff?

bxddxst

Aug 31, 2018

Writing Feedback / Prevalance of supermarket leads to the death of smaller bussinesses? IELTS writing task 2 [3]

prevalence

these businesses in your first paragraph may refer to the small businesses, but you'd better to replace it with "local businesses" to eradicate the examiner's bias.

As you've chosen to partially agree with this phenomena. You'd better to state

"This essay will argue on both point as well and I suppose that the following statements will clarify about the argument"

I figured out you used "despite" in the third paragraph, what it comes after despite should be noun/noun phrase. To revise it, you may change it into :

"Although the shopping centers has been being opened in some underdevelop areas . . . ."

I'd suggest you not to include Vietnam or any factual truth to the writing task 2 essay since this essay is certainly examine your opinion and not including several fact/truth. Moreover, the band 9 score esssays aren't involving these kind of information.

Furthermore, the band 9 score essays write the precise position in which it helps them to organize the essay and regardless your lavish vocab, you have to be able to present your exact position thus the examiner will be fully understand which one is outweighing your essay though

bxddxst

Aug 31, 2018

Writing Feedback / Some believe that taking a year off between school and college is a top-notch decision [5]

Thank you so much for your feedback, I hope I will ace this writing task 2 since I need to regist myself to the 15th August Real Test

bxddxst

Aug 31, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: 'hospital attendances' bar chart [4]

Firstly, your opening as it is assumed as your introduction paragraphs has successfully done without any mistakes I found.

Despite your top-notch prelude, I have figured out several aspects that it might help you to revise this essay.

Firstly, I want to revise your 3rd paragraph.

The elderly people who aged 75 ...

👉 instead of using "the elderly people who aged 75 ...", you may use "The 75-and-over age people"

👉 I'm afraid if you begin your 2nd sentence with "and", the examiner will decrease your GRA score. I prefer to link it to the previous sentence as it indicates a relevant sentence.

👉 After you interlink the 2nd and 1st sentence you can delete the phrase "per 1000-population" because the merged sentence is completely talking about the same portion.

👉 You may change the word "and" in "age 45 to 64 and age 65 to 74" with "along with"

👉 to make this paragraph become a graceful essay you probably delete "per 1000" in the last sentence with "in hundreds population"

The 4th paragraph has the same problem about "per-1000 population" matter in your case. You can explore the alternative way in order to attract the reader through your essay.

Secondly, I found that your first sentence in your second paragraph has drawn my intention.

"It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one visited the most attendances in emergency."

as I can revise this sentence, it is probably able to be altered into:

"It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one stood as the most attendance in emergency."

Overall, I like the way you present the data and your comparison ability since I need to learn more about it.

Hopefully, you'll kindly visit my Writing Task 2 thread to have your comment and maybe your revise

bxddxst

Aug 31, 2018

Writing Feedback / Some believe that taking a year off between school and college is a top-notch decision [5]

Hi guys, this is my essay regarding IELTS self-preparation. I am looking for any IELTS Writing feedback in which they are able to assess my essay from Task Response (TR) , Coherence and Cohesion (CC), Lexical Resource (LR), and Grammatical Range Accuracy (GRA). I may intensely contact you often to get some exposure in IELTS Writing section.

the "gap year" essay

"Some people believe that a gap year between school and university is a good idea, while others disagree strongly. Consider both sides of this debate and present your own opinion."

Most people believe that taking a year off between school and college is a top-notch decision, while others put it as the conversial one. The two sights are going to be discussed and I will consider through my opinion.

Society assume that gap year is slightly pricy as students probably spend their whole time to travel and not preparing for the college test. They tend to waste their time hopefully to get a self discovery through exploring some places, but in the fact, it seems it does not effectively effect to their self improvement. Finally, they do not have much time to sit in college test and their intention to go to the college as they wish is absolutely gone.

Conversely, gap year enthusiasts think that this helps them to consider which major suits their needs or passion. For example, a gap year taker will be flexible to attend many seminars regarding future plan in hope they will build a clear goal, at least for their own life. If they do it properly, they will particularly success in both university and job field. Thus gap year benefits them in the tunnel to figure out how they may set their future life.

Overall, I suppose that a year off process brings its positivity in which it outweighs the bad impact to society. It can be concluded that taking gap year will securely protect them from misleading major as the future demands them to be success in both academic and real hands-on practical process.