IELTS Writing Task 1: 'hospital attendances' bar chart

THE CHART BELOW SHOWS FIGURES FOR ATTENDANCES AT HOSPITAL EMERGENCY CARE DEPARTMENTS IN NORTHERN IRELAND BY AGE GROUP IN DECEMBER 2016 AND DECEMBER 2017.

'hospital attendances' bar chart

The bar chart compares the number of visits made by people in six different age categories to hospital emergency in
Northern Ireland in the December of 2016 and 2017.

It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one visited the most attendances in emergency. Also, there was a
trend of increase in each age period from December 2016 to December 2017.

The elderly people who aged 75 and over had the highest frequency in attending hospital, which stood at approximately 62 out of every 1000 people in December 2016. And it made an increase to around 65 per 1000-population after a year. Interestingly, age 45 to 64 and age 65 to 74 showed nearly less than half the elderly people visiting in hospital, with only about 28 and 30 per 1000-population respectively in the December of 2016.

Under the age of 5, the youngest people had the second large amount spending time in the emergency from around 50 and roughly 53 per 1000-population within a year. Young children had a fewest attendance to hospital from age 5 to 15 just over 20 per 1000-population in both months. Finally, there was only a tiny difference in visiting hospital from age 16 to 44, at just 1 per 1000-popution.

• 
  
  

1, It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one--> group visited the most attendances in emergency.--> You should name the age group specifically, and wrong collocation with "visit' and 'attendance'--> get/have the most visits.

2, which stood at approximately 62 ... ---> relative clause error--> with approximately 62 out of 1000 people in December 2016.

3, And it made an increase to ...---> you should mix 2 sentences into 1 complex sentence: The number of attendances by the elderly people who aged 75 and over took account for the highest one in 2016, at approximately 62 out of every 1000 people, before increasing slight to around 65 per 1000-population after a year.

Shao, try to limit your writing to 200 words at the most. You are writing way too many words in your essays which will make it very difficult for you to perfect your essay during the actual test due to the time limitations. Say everything within 4 paragraphs of no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5. Practice doing this now while you still can so that you will be able to estimate how long it actually takes you to write a comprehensive analytical report essay. While you did write the essay per paragraph within sentence limitations, you presented more run-on sentences which created problems with clarity in your presentation. If you are spending too much time writing the paragraphs because you are too wordy, then you will make the quality of your work, based on the scoring criteria suffer.

You could have done a better job on the summary overview. Aside from presenting the type of chart and the chart coverage plus the trending statement, there are some other information you could have presented. Specifically, the type of measurement presented and the age range presented in the chart.

Don't get me wrong, you did a very good analysis presentation of the chart. It is just that you could have written it better by allowing yourself time for editing. For example, you would have realized that you accidentally started a sentence with a connecting word:


The correct sentence kick-off would have been, "An increase can be seen..." or something similar. Always remember that connecting words such as "and" are used to connect 2 separate ideas that share a common discussion denominator. The connecting word is used in the middle of the sentence, never at the beginning where there are no ideas to connect.

Firstly, your opening as it is assumed as your introduction paragraphs has successfully done without any mistakes I found.

Despite your top-notch prelude, I have figured out several aspects that it might help you to revise this essay.

Firstly, I want to revise your 3rd paragraph.

The elderly people who aged 75 ...

👉 instead of using "the elderly people who aged 75 ...", you may use "The 75-and-over age people"

👉 I'm afraid if you begin your 2nd sentence with "and", the examiner will decrease your GRA score. I prefer to link it to the previous sentence as it indicates a relevant sentence.

👉 After you interlink the 2nd and 1st sentence you can delete the phrase "per 1000-population" because the merged sentence is completely talking about the same portion.

👉 You may change the word "and" in "age 45 to 64 and age 65 to 74" with "along with"

👉 to make this paragraph become a graceful essay you probably delete "per 1000" in the last sentence with "in hundreds population"

The 4th paragraph has the same problem about "per-1000 population" matter in your case. You can explore the alternative way in order to attract the reader through your essay.

Secondly, I found that your first sentence in your second paragraph has drawn my intention.

"It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one visited the most attendances in emergency."

as I can revise this sentence, it is probably able to be altered into:

"It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one stood as the most attendance in emergency."

Overall, I like the way you present the data and your comparison ability since I need to learn more about it.

Hopefully, you'll kindly visit my Writing Task 2 thread to have your comment and maybe your revise