Hello, my name is Airam Gonzalez and I'm interested in aply for a scholarship. I need help with my personal statement and study plan. I know how to speak in english but this is the first time I'm doing an essay.
I would love if you can help me with this, I really want to cause a good reaction and win the sholarship.
PERSONAL STATEMENT
I have grown in a environment of a lot of changes and adaptations, I have lived in a lot of places, studying in different schools and meeting a lot of people; saying that, I can tell that it is not difficult for me to adapt to changes. I left my native city at the age of six, moving to a lot of different states, till I moved to Zulia state, the place where I did almost my entire high school.
I can tell that the engineering has been present all my life. My mother, who raised me alone, developed as a system engineer, specialist in telecommunications networks and instrumentation; right now she is working as an electronic engineer in Peru, creating machines to convert the plastic and trash into wood. While she was doing her job in Venezuela I helped her and I worked with her in different things, making the job of a sub manager without any complain.
I have always been the person that does a lot of things in the life, I have been in so many sports like professional football, kickball, karate and swimming. Besides unwrap me in sports, I was in the National Orchestra System of Venezuela, standing out for been the only woman playing the percussions in the Zulia orchestra. In said orchestra, in three years I managed to climb between all the positions until I became recognized, I entered the conservatory and I was accepted and requested in more than six different orchestras, with only 13 years old. I was number one in every school that I was, standing out for always encouraging my colleagues to perform cultural and sports activities. Like music festivals and inter school competitions. Also, I use to help as a tutor in math, physics and chemistry.
Medicine has always enchanted me, before deciding to be a biomedical engineer I wanted to graduate in medicine and develop me in the neurology area, I realized that I really would not like to just sit down and check patients, I wanted to develop myself in a research environment, apart from that I also love mathematics, chemistry and physics, so I decided to look for a career that would unite all these aspects and let me create, discover or innovate in every sense of the word, then I found the biomedical engineering. In my last year of high school I did a research work entitled "Analysis of neurological therapy FeedBack as a benefit to treat stress", That's when I finally knew that I wanted to be a biomedical engineer.
Asian culture has always fascinated me, and my love for Korea was born when a family member taught me more about the culture making my interest grow to quite large levels. A friend whom shared the love for South Korea was the one who presented me this scholarship, which I have followed for more than two years determined to apply and win.
I am self-taught, I never needed tutors or anyone to teach me outside of school, so when I saw that the English that they gave me in the high school was insufficient, I decided to learn it by myself through online books, friends, videos and a lot of determination. I can say that I moved forward a lot, until I moved to a new place and there I met a neighbor, a lady from Cuba who had traveled all over the world and spoke English as a native, she taught me what I lacked with books that she had brought from different universities, I did not feel it necessary to enter an academy and obtain my certification since I was studying with said lady, but nevertheless at the moment I am looking for my accreditation in an official institute. After discovering this scholarship I started studying Korean, learning how to read it, how to write it and how to pronounce it, in addition to different basic phrases. I am currently studying in an academy where they teach me the basics of it.
I think that I have every necessary aspect to apply for this scholarship, considering me as a person with high leadership who is completely in love with South Korean culture, and whose biggest dream is to study in Korea, create and encourage big projects that can revolutionize the world of medicine and help many people.Hello there from Indonesia,
Since I want to apply for this scholarship too, I have to address you over your weaknesses.
Firstly, when I was reading along your essay, I was seeing someone who showed their achievements and great commendations but lack of contribution. Try to reckon as the scholarship committee and think about these questions thoroughly and with a vengeance,
Are they looking for someone who have myriad achievements but lack of social sensitivity or a scholar who have good commendations yet own high social awareness?
Moreover, I only see the interest of Korea but not the impact of it to your study, future, or any aspects within yourself though. This should be considered as well.
Despite your top-notch awards, I have not seen any specific award in which it is align to your future. Here you also did not bring your big picture goal about what you want to be as it will beneficially connect to your study plan for sure.
Last but not least, I suppose you to be little bit aware to your social neighbourhood as it is your chance to build your great essay after all.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Airam, the essay needs to be better written with a focus not only on your family background, but also on your academic accomplishments in fields related to the course you are applying to. Do not focus on unnecessary information such as being a stand out orchestra member because that is not related to the course you hope to be granted a scholarship for. Nor do you explain any stand out references to your academic background. Your academic background, which is of interest to the reviewer is actually not mentioned at all in your essay except in reference to your interest in the medical field. You must prove that you have the grades to survive studying this degree in a country that will not be teaching you in English nor your native tongue.
This essay is more focused on your extra curricular activities where you do not really stand out. Your tutoring others in Math, Physics, and Chemistry is more relevant to the application and yet you chose to ignore the importance of that in your presentation. Your motivation to become a biomedical engineer is too weak. Simply reading a research paper is not persuasive enough to prove that you have a calling for this field. It sounds more like you just chose the course for the sake of choosing a course in the sciences. There is nothing in your background that proves a motivation for this choice or college major.
Your reference to Korean culture is even worse because you are not showcasing any understanding of the Korean educational system nor its culture as a society that would have drawn you towards wishing to live with and experience not only a Korean education, but a Korean lifestyle. The reference about your being self taught is not relevant to the personal statement and should be removed. That is information that should be placed in the language improvement essay.
Overall, this essay needs a lot of work in terms of revisions. It would be better if you just write a new essay instead of trying to fix this one. That way you will have more freedom to develop a more appropriate personal statement. One that is actually based on proving that you embody all of the prompt requirements listed in the application form.
@bxddxst
I really appreciate your help and I'm totally sure that I am going to make a new one, this was my first time writing an essay in english so I was kind of confused.
@Holt
Yes, after I read my essay, I realized that many things were missing. Thank you very much for your help, I will make sure to write a better essay that has greater impact.
