Posts by Underleveled

Underleveled

Oct 25, 2018

Scholarship / Creative brainstorming - Chevening Leadership [5]

I agree with Eleen, this is a good instance of leadership. My issue is that you are part of a leadership group that should be meeting and brainstorming all the time. Why is this instance unique compared to the other times? What is it that you do normally in this organization that this reflects an instance of going above and beyond? Talk about what it is you do and why this moment stands out from the norm. You can add focus on to "additional responsibility" or "maturity." Leadership is more than just handling difficult situations. Many non-leadership roles handle difficult situations that are not necessarily leaders.

I would say cut back on the excessive use of rhetorical questions. One or two is fine but you overwhelm the reader.

Underleveled

Oct 24, 2018

Writing Feedback / Prison may be a good solution for criminals, but there are also some alternative methods [3]

I'm not sure why 260 words is the golden mark but this response is way too short. Your argument lacks any sound reasoning or explanations. You need to provide evidence to back your claims and also attempt to refute the potential counter arguments. You claim prison is the best solution for crime. I can argue that longer incarceration times will create criminals who are detached from society and more likely to repeat offenses when released. I claim a better solution is lower incarcerations and a focus on rehabilitation will reduce crime. What can you say to counter that?

"At first, the cost of raising a criminal is ..." the unintended irony in this line. No one intentionally raises criminals. "The cost to house a criminal..." makes more sense here. The point of this line is criminals are expensive so have them give back to the community to make up the cost. Provide examples or reason for this claim.

Next you state that criminals are too dangerous to actually go out and do the community service they owe society. So whats your solution? Thats also a bold claim. Tax evaders and shop lifters don't scream psychopath to me. Support the statement and give evidence.

Without any other information about the prompt, I say this paper needs to be given way more thought and effort. This comes across as a vague outline.

Underleveled

Oct 21, 2018

Graduate / Loyola Statement of Purpose for Graduate School in Biostatistics [2]

I am not the strongest writer and could use some help from proofreaders. Let me have it. Be critical. I'm not sure if my story is weak, awkward, or boring. Is the mention of the program in the last paragraph clunky? How can I smooth that out. What is this submission missing, if anything? This is a first draft and my punctuation is probably horrible. Thanks to whomever takes a look.

from games to a biostatistics field

I have always been a gamer. Card games, board games, and especially video games are all under that umbrella. Back in college I would play League of Legends the most. It is a strategy game with over one hundred unique characters. As I climbed my way through the ranked ladder I spent many off hours researching the best strategies, the best item purchases, and the best characters. My favorite website for all of this took the game data from thousands of matches and complied into nice and neat packages of information. The impact that this first impression of statistics had on me was more profound than I realized.

My friends favorite game, Smash Bros., had no such website. I took it upon myself to try and create my own information. I painstakingly went through every major tournament bracket for the past year and tallied all the results for every character in the game. It felt extraordinary to be able to produce my own numbers and share it with the Reddit community. It was a simple chart of win rates and play rates for each character. If only I had the knowledge and tools I could have done so much more! Even now I'm looking to do a similar project for a favorite board game. Only this time I won't have any preexisting information I can pull the data from.

From that initial game I developed a deep appreciation of large data. I know that it can be applied almost anywhere to describe so many phenomena. I wish to be able to extend my game knowledge with newly learned principles.

However, life is not all fun and games. This year my family was struck by the tragedies of cancer. It is devastating to lose someone you love. I am no doctor, chemist, or biologist but I am good with numbers. My goal is to create and hone my skills to be a powerful asset in the biostatistics field. I believe this is my chance to do my part for the world and enable the scientists out there with the best possible results from their hard work. If I can aid in the development of a new drug or treatment that saves other families from the disasters of cancer then I will be satisfied.

What I lack in formal academics of statistics I more than make up for in drive and passion. I know that my strong background in mathematics will be a great foundation for Loyola to further build upon the theory and principles of statistics. While my prior experience with coding will enable clean execution for modeling. I have read and written data but what is between the lines is what I'm after.

Statistic programs are common. It is only through Loyola that I know I will have a quality education to achieve my dream. Between STAT 436 and STAT 437 offering exactly the information I will need to succeed in a biostatistics field, their is also a capstone class take the theory and put it to practice. That kind of practical experience will be the most impactful piece of the program. It is because of these tools and excellent teaching staff that Loyola is my first choice for the future.