Posts by D41112266 [Suspended]

D41112266

Nov 11, 2018

Writing Feedback / Environmental issues have always been a controversy among the world. Who should take a charge of it? [3]

Hello,
Based on my perspective, I think there are some improvements that you should do

1. couldn't handle it = could not. In the academic writing style, avoid using contractions but that is good in the speaking part.
2. I think it is better in your thesis statement to mention your ideas or the reasons why those arguments exist rather than writing "The two statements will be discussed in the essay below and person (Personal) opinion will be given as well." that sentence not give any additional information or value. for example, some people believe that environmental problems have been becoming complex issues which only could be solved by approaching multi-disciplinary skills while others argue that every action from each individual matters to make a change.

3. Person opinion is not appropriate = personal opinion
4. The main reason for these problems is usually human = the main reason for these problems usually comes from human activities.
5. "As long as people change their attitude to our mother earth, take actions to protect our home, problems may gradually retard", I think the coherence will be better if you write " If people are aware of the importance of keeping the Earth, those issues may be reduced significantly.

Overall, I think you should improve your thesis statement and the coherence of the sentence and paragraph as well as the conclusion which was not delivered well.

D41112266

Nov 11, 2018

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] THE VALUE OF A 'GROWTH MINDSET' [2]

People naturally resist making changes in their lives.

What kind of problem can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

Answer :
Many people in the world keep unchanged routines naturally the way they run their life. This resistance could make people unable to enhance their knowledge or skills, so educating a growth mindset for the young generation and showing some inspiring people could be two viable solutions to address this issue properly.

The main problem that comes up if people resist changing their life behaviours is they could not develop their skills or knowledge to be more advanced. It is because their mind tends to lead for refusing any developing activities which bring them out from their comfort zone. This phenomenon could be seen in Papua, a well-known undeveloped region in Indonesia. Many of the local are not interest in education because they may still be comfortable to stay at home rather than get some study that makes them stress. As a result, they could not significantly widen their horizon, compared to those living in the other regions.

To solve that problem, the government should educate the young generations about a growth mindset through formal education because if they can be an open-minded people in the educational environment, they can be easier to observe their lessons. This solution has been implemented by AIESEC, a worldwide organization which concerns to enable leadership potential of the young people, and most the alumni are likely to have multi-discipline skills. To maximize the result, showcase inspiring people who always take challenges in their life might be able to trigger themselves to be growth-minded people.

To sum up, the government should restate the curriculum to ensure the next generation has a growth mindset as well as spreading inspiring story through some talk shows to prevent close mindset thinking.

D41112266

Nov 10, 2018

Writing Feedback / Great number of heated discussions over the issues of smoking prohibition in public areas [2]

I guess this is an agree and disagree questions and this is my suggestions:
1. in the first paragraph, maybe you should put attention in the coherence of the sentence. First and second sentence may be better if those are combined to be one sentence. for example, many people believe hold a view that smoking in the public areas should be proscribed by the government in terms of the health hazards not only for the smoker but also people around them. I strongly agree with this statement because a cigarrete could trigger various diseases in many people whether they are active or passive smokers as well as influencing young generations to try it.

2. Put your idea in the thesis statement which you will break down into Body 1 and Body 2. therefore, If the question is an agree disagree question, you should focus your idea why you agree or disagree or not putting solutions because the questions did not ask.

3. most significant argument : i think it will be better if you change to be " The main argument or the convincing argument.

4. Overall, you should improve the flow of your sentence more smoothly.