Posts by D12345

D12345

Nov 12, 2018

Scholarship / Suffering grades - to overcome a significant obstacle to reach a goal [3]

I think you should re-arrange your sentence to make people easy to understand your story or your intention. in addition, just mention something that reader should know. if you feel the sentence is not strong enough, just delete it. In addition, try to bring the cultural language style from native speaker by reading some article. so, it can enhance your writing style

Keep writing.

D12345

Nov 12, 2018

Writing Feedback / How much a specific United Kingdom school spent annually percentage-wise in three different years [3]

My suggestions in your introduction : ... illustrate an annual expenditure in certain UK's school between 1981 and 2001

"before ~~experienced~~ (Experiencing) a noticeable growth"

Obviously, The school spent a large proportion in teacher's salary while spending in insurance showed the reverse.
I think you should try to compare one figures to another like " figures a spent two fold of B expenditure"

D12345

Nov 12, 2018

Writing Feedback / Improving my writing skill to adapt to IELTs - both working parents [5]

this is my suggestions :
1. Overall, i think you may have to deliver your idea by using complex or compound sentence to make the flow of your sentence running smoothly. it may can improve the coherence of your essay.

2. ~~"Both parents take up ...~~" = both parents believe that the more they earn money, the more they can advance the facilities of their children.

3. Just give one idea in your body and then give supporting explanations to develop your idea. i just saw that the idea did not develop well.

Spirit and keep writing

D12345

Nov 12, 2018

Writing Feedback / 【IELTS TASK2】Social and practical problems caused by non-native speaker in foreign country [3]

In my opinion, there are some improvement that you should do :
1. I think you should improve to use complex or compound sentence. it can be seen in this sentence " Firstly, they may not have a close relationship with others. Since they are not familiar with the using way of grammar and vocabulary. they may use it in a wrong way and lead to some communication problem when having a conversation with others." it will be better if you combined the sentence by using complex or compound sentence.

2. This essay may need improvements in the coherence from sentence to sentence.

D12345

Nov 12, 2018

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] The animals are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. [3]

The animals are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea.
What are the reasons and Solutions
Answer:
It is undeniable fact that many species of animals are in danger of extinction due to human activities not only on land but also in the sea. The increasing numbers of illegal hunters and the accumulation of plastic waste in the ocean are the main reasons this issue occurs. Implementing a licensing system to hunt animals and changing plastic in the packaging of the product could be feasible solutions to reduce the problems.

One of human activity which threatens many endangered animals is a hunting activity which the number of people who are interested in becoming more and more. An act of hunting wild animals is recognized as a hobby for wealthy people because it is a costly hobby. It can be seen in 1995 that many wealthy people become hunters to show-off their wealth to the society around them. Another major issue with similar implications is using plastic in many products. As a result, the plastic which difficult to recycle is dumped into the ocean and destroy the homes of millions of aquatic creatures migrate to another place in order to seek refuge, such as turtles which are considered an endangered species.

Licensing in hunting animals should be developed to control all hunters in their poaching activity. This regulation can protect endangered animals from the threat of extinction. For instance, people should have a license for hunting animals before getting into the forest. This system was successful to decrease animal mortality rates by 20% in the Amazon forest. In addition, switch plastic packaging to environmentally friendly materials should be implemented by corporations who use the plastic material for their product covers, so the ocean may not burden garbage anymore.

In conclusion, to hold back the number of hunters, the government should build a licensed system as well as replacing plastic use with environmentally friendly materials in order to avoid widespread damages in the sea.