Undergraduate / Planting a Win-win Attitude--UC Prompt #2 personal statement [3]

The subject of this essay concerns me. Rather than teaching the less skilled player how to throw correctly or inviting him to one-on-one coaching sessions, you told the other kid to let him win. I'm not criticizing you, since I'm sure this isn't what you're trying to say, but my point is that I'm not sure what you are trying to say- about your coaching method and, most importantly, about yourself.

You do have a very nice ending, but before you use it as a common app, add more context. I don't know what Opus is about, and there's a chance your reader won't know either. Granted, they could Wikipedia it, but add a sentence or two of background. You hit on this a bit at the end with "Mr. Holland who received the world's attention for his grand contributions to his students.", but move it to the beginning.

Hope that helps!

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT #1- Tattooed [5]

Sorry, but this essay isn't useful. When the admissions official reads this essay, they'll want to admit your cousin, not you. If you'd like to talk about your family, write an essay that tells us about your own "breaking of social norms", and how your familial support helped you do so. Right now, your essay discusses only Jessica, and only vaguely addresses you in the last paragraph.

This is a common pitfall; in fact, UCD states it right on its website. Its why personal statements are hard; its easy to talk about someone else, but hard to open up to a stranger and examine yourself. Maybe, since you and your family are so close, you can ask a family member for help- it should be easier for them to talk about you. Make sure you write the actual essay, though.

Otherwise, brainstorm about how you would be different if raised in a different family, accepted to a different school, or weren't part of that club/team/whatever.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]

@cissy- There's a good amount of gramatical errors, so follow Kelsey's advice. Try reading your essay outloud to yourself; if anything sounds off, it most likely needs a fix. Judging by the content and vocab, I'm guessing the errors are simply from typing too quickly or forgetting to change tenses after editing sentences, so you should be able to catch them all.

Content wise, I like the topic. But rather than simply stating that you're different from your superficial neighbors, tell us how you're different. Since you sound like a budding astronomer, it doesn't sound as though you don't fit in career-wise (unless you add a sentence about how your neighbors only appreciate down-to-earth degrees (pun intended =]) like poli-sci or business). Tell us precisely why you don't share your neighborhood's values with more examples, or (for a simpler way) move your concluding paragraph up. That way, you have your background first, the reasons you do not appreciate the environment, and what you did in response (running away, pursuing your own interests by watching the meteorshower).

Leave out the info about brewing wine, since it doesn't serve a real purpose- unlike your running away stories, which give us insight on your personality and interests. Being able to make your own alcohol isn't something admissions officers will necessarily be appreciative of.

P.S. I really liked the way your description of the meteorshower- you set the scene really well.

rafacharmed

@Rafa- Sure, but try to be vague about your preferred party unless it's obvious from your application. For example, if one of your ECs is volunteering for the McCain campaign and you're secretary of Young Republicans, it won't matter if you say you're a Republican. Otherwise, avoid naming a party by saying you aspire to make the world a better place by lobbying for the environment, public education, whatever. Back it up with experiences from ECs. You don't want to alienate a hardcore Republican admissions officer by saying you love Democrats, or vice versa. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "I opened up little by little" - Describe the world you come from [18]

Are you kidding? You're a city kid, you have passions for learning from the world and relating your lessons to younger generations, and you're going into a field full of discovery. If you're applying to UCs, you're an academic too. You're a diverse person.

You found exactly what was off though, which I didn't get, and which makes everything so much easier! You're just thinking too hard! I know that sounds weird, but you're thinking too hard about the prompt and how to get your entire life into it, when you don't have to. Your interests will all go on the application anyway, so talk about whatever you want to talk about. Whatever is biggest in your life- not every detail like who your bio teacher is. And how your environment shaped it.

Assuming you're an out of state applicant, you definitely need to talk about your out of state experience, so start the same way you did- by describing Las Vegas. Then branch out by talking about how being raised in the city affected you. Imagine growing up in a completely different tiny little town, and figure out what would be different. You would never have... (fill in the blank). You would not know that... (blank) You would not be an (adjective) person because... (blank).

And then go. Again, I suggest talking about why Las Vegas made you interested in marine bio or your experience with softball in Las Vegas, since the first topic is directly related to your college experience and the latter seems to be a big part of your life with lots that you can talk about.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "I opened up little by little" - Describe the world you come from [18]

I think the main problem here is that you haven't quite addressed the prompt. You started out well by describing Las Vegas, but you haven't talked about how being a Las Vegas native has shaped you. I'm just guessing, but you might say something about having a hard time finding a soft ball field, or finding something peaceful to hang on to in the middle of chaos through literature. Or talk about how you became interested in marine bio in Las Vegas- that would be interesting.

Cut "Honestly," as Simone said, and the sentence about the incredible Bio teacher. Among the major pitfalls that UC lists on their essay advice site is talking about a more inspirational person, and this phrasing is fairly similar. Otherwise, tell us why the teacher is incredible, don't just state it. Also cut "It is an amazing place and I am particularly fond of my place in it"; it is a bit simplistic and cliche-y. I get the impression that you're trying to transition from Las Vegas life to your own life, which leads me to my next suggestion-

-Try to cut topics. You discuss quite a few, making your essay more factual ("this happened and this happened") than expressive ("I felt like this because of this"). Some things also have no apparent connection, like the homeless line. I thought this was interesting, but it doesn't relate or shape your life- or if it does/did, talk about that! I bet that would be a really cool essay.

I'd suggest you focus on how Las Vegas has shaped your sports career, how you developed through your environment, and how you now help shape the environments of others by coaching.

Hope that helps and good luck!

Undergraduate / Essay for Penn - page 217 of your 300 page autobiography [9]

I get to take off my shoes and borrow somebody else's in the world for a couple of minutes.

That line is a bit cliche and awkward. If you definitely want to use this sort of sentence, go with "I get to relax my converse (or whatever shoes you use) and borrow the shoes of someone else in the world for a couple of minutes."

The shoe type tid-bit makes the essay more personal as well.

What's the max length for this?

Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]

I agree and disagree with the above comments. It definitely needs to be trimmed, and you veer into a rather common topic ("we're all the same underneath"). But I was suprised you did go to that, since at the beginning it seemed you were going to talk about how we're different. You start saying you "longed to stand out like the..." etc. If you continued by speaking on how you are / grew to be different, rather than on how you started fitting in, this essay would be much more interesting.