zcs2008china
Aug 27, 2019
Writing Feedback / TASK: Some people think that one should retire at the age of 65. [3]
@kev2
Para 1: reap the benefits of sth.
Para 2: What did you mean "the others", better use just "others". This para, you didn't explain clearly why it's good for being a developed country. in your topic sentence, you pointed out that's the elderly' rights to work longer. Why it's related to developed countries. It doesn't make sense to me.
Para 3: government society's expense, this is a wrong expression. appeal to, rather than appeal for. Again, topic sentence, it, what's it? this pronoun was been overused.
Para 4: As for conclusions, there should not be new ideas included. wrong word: setback, should be drawbacks.
Suggestions: ideas were not arranged logically, and not convincing at all. You better work on brainstorming practice, and use words more accurately.
@kev2
Para 1: reap the benefits of sth.
Para 2: What did you mean "the others", better use just "others". This para, you didn't explain clearly why it's good for being a developed country. in your topic sentence, you pointed out that's the elderly' rights to work longer. Why it's related to developed countries. It doesn't make sense to me.
Para 3: government society's expense, this is a wrong expression. appeal to, rather than appeal for. Again, topic sentence, it, what's it? this pronoun was been overused.
Para 4: As for conclusions, there should not be new ideas included. wrong word: setback, should be drawbacks.
Suggestions: ideas were not arranged logically, and not convincing at all. You better work on brainstorming practice, and use words more accurately.