ashymustard
Sep 19, 2019
Scholarship / Humanitarian club - leadership and influencing skills to prove that you're a good leader [2]
First I think you should be very proud of what you've accomplished; it's difficult to find things to write about, but with the experiences you describe here I can see you'll have no problem with that.
However, I think you wrote phrases that are too complicated for what you're describing:
...allowed me to create an environment conducive to moments of exchange...
...ensure a better transmission of knowledge...
Being leader of this action...
Especially here where the word 'action' hardly takes an effect on the phrase.
...thanks to sharing ideas and making collective decisions...
There is a woman who inspired me and it's my boss in my internship.
How about... 'My boss was the woman who inspired me to change.'
Show how you created a place for conversation, how you transmited knowledge, what collective decisions were made to get you there. Less is more in these essays: instead of using verbs like "allowed me to create", say "created".
I mention this because cutting filler words makes for fluid writing, and more words for you to use.
Other details I noticed:
In my second year at university, I became a founding member of an internationally recognized humanitarian clubthe club that aims to spread peace in the world
We organized fundraising event, a fashion show for children with Syndrome of Trisomy 21,from which the winnings will be added for them.
Overall, you have things to talk about. That's hard already. But the structure of your essay is lacking. You wouldn't want the way you present these achievements to be a detriment, so I advise you to read again. Edit out the words that are restating things mentioned before, words that don't add much to the paragraph. And with the spare words, dive into the people that inspired you, the actions you took and why you deserve this scholarship more than others.
First I think you should be very proud of what you've accomplished; it's difficult to find things to write about, but with the experiences you describe here I can see you'll have no problem with that.
However, I think you wrote phrases that are too complicated for what you're describing:
...allowed me to create an environment conducive to moments of exchange...
...ensure a better transmission of knowledge...
Being leader of this action...
Especially here where the word 'action' hardly takes an effect on the phrase.
...thanks to sharing ideas and making collective decisions...
There is a woman who inspired me and it's my boss in my internship.
How about... 'My boss was the woman who inspired me to change.'
Show how you created a place for conversation, how you transmited knowledge, what collective decisions were made to get you there. Less is more in these essays: instead of using verbs like "allowed me to create", say "created".
I mention this because cutting filler words makes for fluid writing, and more words for you to use.
Other details I noticed:
In my second year at university, I became a founding member of an internationally recognized humanitarian club
We organized fundraising event, a fashion show for children with Syndrome of Trisomy 21,
Overall, you have things to talk about. That's hard already. But the structure of your essay is lacking. You wouldn't want the way you present these achievements to be a detriment, so I advise you to read again. Edit out the words that are restating things mentioned before, words that don't add much to the paragraph. And with the spare words, dive into the people that inspired you, the actions you took and why you deserve this scholarship more than others.