Posts by CHRISOD

CHRISOD

Mar 4, 2020

Writing Feedback / The difficulties people have when they integrate into a new country [5]

Task Itself doesn't really allow you to explore and Analyze Graphic in a proper way. However you could improve a lot Cohesion of the paragraph, I mean instead of answering in Bullet Points from try to make something more deep in terms of understanding and strucutre. Probably by creating 1 or 2 paragraphs commenting about similarities and differences between ages you could make a better approach.

Also (Not sure If might be good as long as the task doesn't ask you to) try to add the comparisions a little bit of explanations, Maybe by trying to interpret the Bars and the results you could reveal that you understand enough the bars in order to summarize it.

But well, Theres no golden rule, so Just try to fix structure and cohesion.

CHRISOD

Feb 1, 2020

Scholarship / "Becoming a Musician by self teaching" - Scholarship Essay [3]

Got you, Focus more on the Academic part of self learning than the CCA Achievements I have made with It. Thank you a lot for the feed, Do you think I should still mention Music that much ?

CHRISOD

Jan 30, 2020

Writing Feedback / Is better for kids to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than at secondary? [5]

I really Enjoy the Introduction Paragraph, You add multiple perspectives and put the problem on table, It is a good presentation, The consequent paragraphs are well linked and defend your "neutral" position at the beggining, however conclusion isnt strong enough ( at least for me) I believe that you should talk a little bit more about opportunitues onnthe third paragraph in order to add that final to the essay, Moreover at the end it seems like you take a "with" position about learning a second language, Hence you should make a little thread in the second paragraph, that could lead us to your conclusion position

CHRISOD

Jan 30, 2020

Scholarship / "Becoming a Musician by self teaching" - Scholarship Essay [3]

[Moved from]: "Becoming a Musician by self teaching" - Scholarship Essay

Hey there, I have to write an essay for obtaining a great scholarship, I would like if you guys help me to evaluate it in terms of language and voice. All feedback is welcome

Becoming a Musician

Describe, in less than 300 words, an exceptional achievement that highlights your academic and CCA interests that would be of value to the University community.

Becoming a Musician Is not just the biggest Accomplishment I have achieved but also the one which has satisfied me the most. As a teenager, I couldn't afford music classes easily, neither have contacts between my family or friends; all I got was this passionate desire. That's why I took it as a Challenge; teaching myself about electronic music till the point I could make my own songs.

Being Self-Taught and committed led me to raise a career as a Musician and an Entrepreneur. I used all the tools I learned in school and life about researching and getting knowledge, it took me months to learn the basic (I'm still learning), but it was extremely worthy, this goal brought a lot of gratifying experiences into my life: reaching more than 20.000 plays worldwide, being on stage at my prom party, getting my music into Spotify and other music stores, creating my own merchandising and selling it in entrepreneur exhibitions, designing my webpage; just the fact of knowing that I had more than 10 songs was fabulous. Those acts intensified the love I had for music, plus help me to see it from a new perspective as I develop administration skills when managing all the aspects of my career.

Nowadays I think that music is the bridge to a better culture, and I want to spread that message to the world through my future label, to change the way we think about music, to turn it into a lifestyle, a way to improve as human beings, Either Through Music Festivals, Lyrics or dynamic activities in social spaces like Campus; also want to teach people that they can become whatever they want, even if they don't have any sort of help, just by beating their minds and their limits.