QuickStudy
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / A European Experiment in Intolerance [9]
Thanks, good suggestions; I'll think about that first paragraph.
Thanks, good suggestions; I'll think about that first paragraph.
QuickStudy
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / A European Experiment in Intolerance [9]
Yes, that was one thing that bothered me a bit too: while I have a strong opinion on the subject, I do not personally know anyone involved, nor am I directly affected.
The admission was not much of a concern; to explain, this essay was more geared towards acceptance into a particular Honors program at the college that would feature more of the political and philosophical writing, and less of the personal kind.
To get a personal angle, I'd have to choose a different topic, which I probably will end up doing for some other essays. Thanks for your note. :)
Yes, that was one thing that bothered me a bit too: while I have a strong opinion on the subject, I do not personally know anyone involved, nor am I directly affected.
The admission was not much of a concern; to explain, this essay was more geared towards acceptance into a particular Honors program at the college that would feature more of the political and philosophical writing, and less of the personal kind.
To get a personal angle, I'd have to choose a different topic, which I probably will end up doing for some other essays. Thanks for your note. :)
QuickStudy
Dec 19, 2009
QuickStudy
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / A European Experiment in Intolerance [9]
The prompt (on a college application) was pretty general: Write about an issue of personal, local, national or global concern and its importance to you. Feedback is appreciated!
__________________________________________________
A European Experiment in Intolerance
In a recent vote that surprised many and dismayed government officials from Bern to Riyadh, Swiss voters solidly approved a ban on the construction of minarets. Distinct from everyday architectural ordinances based on aesthetic preferences, this new law was an unambiguous strike against the country's Muslim population. It currently is one of the first major successes in the growing backlash against Muslim immigrants across Europe.
Europeans are backing away from their ideals of religious liberty in the name of self-preservation, citing fears of an impending Muslim takeover of the continent. The future of "Eurabia," predicted by alarmed Europeans and eager Islamic leaders alike, is theorized based upon high birth rates and perceptions of insufficient assimilation among Muslim immigrants. These concerns previously have fueled campaigns to ban mosques in Italy and burkas in the United Kingdom. In June, President Nicolas Sarkozy of France stated that burkas were "not welcome," and although the government stopped short of an outright ban in November - instead issuing "recommendations" against face veils - a more forceful law is expected to be passed before long.
For a variety of reasons, from general religious and racial intolerance, to concern over higher birth rates and political ambitiousness, many Europeans consider Muslims in their midst undesirables, to be driven out by legislative inhospitality. The rationale behind this religious oppression is that it will cause the minorities to either change their ways, or leave altogether. But when the greatest weapon of Islamic extremists is the propagandistic dehumanization of infidels, it is not advisable to widen the gap between the cultures. The way to lessen the danger of radical Islam on the borders is to show one's best side to those who would be taught to attack it. By suppressing and angering the Muslims who have peacefully emigrated from the Middle East, European governments are doing a great disservice to their reputations in those immigrants' homelands, further polarizing both within their own countries and between the continents.
Objections by prominent Islamic leaders often showcase even greater hypocrisy, it should be noted. Accusations of "Islamophobia" coming from Iran and Saudi Arabia, while true enough when taken apart from context, are shameful displays of cognitive dissonance on the background of Sharia Law. Those who would not object to obscenely archaic practices - such as incurring the death penalty for apostasy, and inflicting harsh punishments not upon rapists, but upon their victims - are in no standing to judge what is fair or unfair elsewhere in the world. But this only applies to those who would support the atrocious laws of certain Middle Eastern countries, not to all Muslims. The prevalence of Sharia Law is no excuse for injustice in Europe. Furthermore, regardless of what liability some like to pin on all the members of the faith, the people and governments of Europe ought to hold themselves to higher standards of freedom and tolerance. By being on the more inclusive side of the divide, they can speed cultural assimilation and improvement of Islamic-Western relations. Opting instead to repel attempts at peaceful integration can only aggravate resentment and encourage violent attitudes.
The Swiss minaret ban, being the first of its kind, might prove a turning point in the culture clash, signaling either a downward spiral, or a wakeup call. Other governments are poised to follow suit with similarly oppressive laws, but the uproar abroad may yet dissuade any imitators. Given the lack of authority afforded most Middle Eastern leaders in these matters, the onus lies upon the Europeans themselves - hopefully with encouragement from the United States, and other influences in the United Nations - to voice their objections and put a stop to this trend before it continues beyond the point of no return.
The prompt (on a college application) was pretty general: Write about an issue of personal, local, national or global concern and its importance to you. Feedback is appreciated!
__________________________________________________
A European Experiment in Intolerance
In a recent vote that surprised many and dismayed government officials from Bern to Riyadh, Swiss voters solidly approved a ban on the construction of minarets. Distinct from everyday architectural ordinances based on aesthetic preferences, this new law was an unambiguous strike against the country's Muslim population. It currently is one of the first major successes in the growing backlash against Muslim immigrants across Europe.
Europeans are backing away from their ideals of religious liberty in the name of self-preservation, citing fears of an impending Muslim takeover of the continent. The future of "Eurabia," predicted by alarmed Europeans and eager Islamic leaders alike, is theorized based upon high birth rates and perceptions of insufficient assimilation among Muslim immigrants. These concerns previously have fueled campaigns to ban mosques in Italy and burkas in the United Kingdom. In June, President Nicolas Sarkozy of France stated that burkas were "not welcome," and although the government stopped short of an outright ban in November - instead issuing "recommendations" against face veils - a more forceful law is expected to be passed before long.
For a variety of reasons, from general religious and racial intolerance, to concern over higher birth rates and political ambitiousness, many Europeans consider Muslims in their midst undesirables, to be driven out by legislative inhospitality. The rationale behind this religious oppression is that it will cause the minorities to either change their ways, or leave altogether. But when the greatest weapon of Islamic extremists is the propagandistic dehumanization of infidels, it is not advisable to widen the gap between the cultures. The way to lessen the danger of radical Islam on the borders is to show one's best side to those who would be taught to attack it. By suppressing and angering the Muslims who have peacefully emigrated from the Middle East, European governments are doing a great disservice to their reputations in those immigrants' homelands, further polarizing both within their own countries and between the continents.
Objections by prominent Islamic leaders often showcase even greater hypocrisy, it should be noted. Accusations of "Islamophobia" coming from Iran and Saudi Arabia, while true enough when taken apart from context, are shameful displays of cognitive dissonance on the background of Sharia Law. Those who would not object to obscenely archaic practices - such as incurring the death penalty for apostasy, and inflicting harsh punishments not upon rapists, but upon their victims - are in no standing to judge what is fair or unfair elsewhere in the world. But this only applies to those who would support the atrocious laws of certain Middle Eastern countries, not to all Muslims. The prevalence of Sharia Law is no excuse for injustice in Europe. Furthermore, regardless of what liability some like to pin on all the members of the faith, the people and governments of Europe ought to hold themselves to higher standards of freedom and tolerance. By being on the more inclusive side of the divide, they can speed cultural assimilation and improvement of Islamic-Western relations. Opting instead to repel attempts at peaceful integration can only aggravate resentment and encourage violent attitudes.
The Swiss minaret ban, being the first of its kind, might prove a turning point in the culture clash, signaling either a downward spiral, or a wakeup call. Other governments are poised to follow suit with similarly oppressive laws, but the uproar abroad may yet dissuade any imitators. Given the lack of authority afforded most Middle Eastern leaders in these matters, the onus lies upon the Europeans themselves - hopefully with encouragement from the United States, and other influences in the United Nations - to voice their objections and put a stop to this trend before it continues beyond the point of no return.
QuickStudy
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Senior Project - The Various Types of Weighlifting [4]
Heh, cool topic. :) You sound like you know your stuff.
The grammar leaves a little to be desired, though; pay special attention to the plural and singular continuities. For example: "The moments we aren't weightlifting is when our body recuperates and heals our broken down muscles." I saw that kind of disagreement come up quite a few times throughout the essay.
Also, try to avoid having the same word come up twice in a sentence. Example: "The most popular reasons many start weightlifting are for aesthetic reasons (Arrieta)." I would rephrase this: "Aesthetic reasons are the most popular motivation for people to start weightlifting."
Heh, cool topic. :) You sound like you know your stuff.
The grammar leaves a little to be desired, though; pay special attention to the plural and singular continuities. For example: "The moments we aren't weightlifting is when our body recuperates and heals our broken down muscles." I saw that kind of disagreement come up quite a few times throughout the essay.
Also, try to avoid having the same word come up twice in a sentence. Example: "The most popular reasons many start weightlifting are for aesthetic reasons (Arrieta)." I would rephrase this: "Aesthetic reasons are the most popular motivation for people to start weightlifting."
QuickStudy
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "Intelluctual interest, evolution,and excitement" Cornell collegeof Arts&Science [3]
These would be my grammatical and stylistic changes (as shown in bold):
"Ise esu ni," meaning, "it is the devil's work." In a primitive part of the world like mine, superstitions are the norm rather than exceptions. Natural happenings like lightning and thunderstorms are attributed to the "god of thunder". While I was growing up, I observed some deformities in some of my playmates: some were older and yet behaved much younger, and others simply looked sickly. I was curious about these apparent differences in them, but, of course, the most natural explanation presented by and to those around me was that of demonic attack.
From my elementary science class, I began to gain more understanding, and my passion for the knowledge of science was born. With pride, I used to give the names of my ailments- malaria, diarrhea, etc.- to my family doctor from what little knowledge I possessed about diseases and their symptoms. I could even recognize the sickle cell anemia traits in those playmates, but there are still many more unanswered questions. Every vague explanation became more meaningful when I picked upmy first Biology textbook. I became more enlightened, as if peeping through a tunnel. Thus, my interest in the anatomy and physiology of the human body evolved alongside an insatiable desire to read, in search of more knowledge.
Throughout my senior secondary Biology class, this love became more deeply rooted in me. From the simplest cell theory to the complex interconnections of the millions of neurons in the nervous system, I was hooked on Biology. And then, just when I needed to focus my ambition, I read a life-changing book "Gifted Hands" by the Neurosurgeon Benjamin Carson. I had to gather information on the basics of neurosurgery to understand his surgical operations on the human brain. The book made me fall in love with this advanced field of medicine. I discovered a career that could blend my love of children with my fascination with the complex but orderly nervous system.
The possibility of saving some children - like those of my neighborhood friends - from dysfunctional life further fuels this passion. During my volunteering, I was exposed to the exciting, intricate life of the fetus in the womb. In addition, I watched a documentary about the infants' brains that revealed more of the mystery of a child's brain. With all these experiences, I am excited about becoming a part of and contributing to this field.
Cornell is the institution capable of giving me quality instructions in Molecular and Cellular Biology and preparing me for a medical career. Its diversified faculty and student body will enable me to sample various viewpoints and ideas that will develop my analytical skills. Also, the available solid liberal art curriculum will allow me to explore a range of courses like Psychology, Sociology, Economics, Geography, etc. Since I am interested in discovery and contribution to my field, I hope that the various interdisciplinary research opportunities at Cornell will well prepare me for these pursuits. With the "Health Careers Program" and the "Career library", I am confident of a matured and complete transition from undergraduate to medical school.
These would be my grammatical and stylistic changes (as shown in bold):
"Ise esu ni," meaning, "it is the devil's work." In a primitive part of the world like mine, superstitions are the norm rather than exceptions. Natural happenings like lightning and thunderstorms are attributed to the "god of thunder". While I was growing up, I observed some deformities in some of my playmates: some were older and yet behaved much younger, and others simply looked sickly. I was curious about these apparent differences in them, but, of course, the most natural explanation presented by and to those around me was that of demonic attack.
From my elementary science class, I began to gain more understanding, and my passion for the knowledge of science was born. With pride, I used to give the names of my ailments- malaria, diarrhea, etc.- to my family doctor from what little knowledge I possessed about diseases and their symptoms. I could even recognize the sickle cell anemia traits in those playmates, but there are still many more unanswered questions. Every vague explanation became more meaningful when I picked upmy first Biology textbook. I became more enlightened, as if peeping through a tunnel. Thus, my interest in the anatomy and physiology of the human body evolved alongside an insatiable desire to read, in search of more knowledge.
Throughout my senior secondary Biology class, this love became more deeply rooted in me. From the simplest cell theory to the complex interconnections of the millions of neurons in the nervous system, I was hooked on Biology. And then, just when I needed to focus my ambition, I read a life-changing book "Gifted Hands" by the Neurosurgeon Benjamin Carson. I had to gather information on the basics of neurosurgery to understand his surgical operations on the human brain. The book made me fall in love with this advanced field of medicine. I discovered a career that could blend my love of children with my fascination with the complex but orderly nervous system.
The possibility of saving some children - like those of my neighborhood friends - from dysfunctional life further fuels this passion. During my volunteering, I was exposed to the exciting, intricate life of the fetus in the womb. In addition, I watched a documentary about the infants' brains that revealed more of the mystery of a child's brain. With all these experiences, I am excited about becoming a part of and contributing to this field.
Cornell is the institution capable of giving me quality instructions in Molecular and Cellular Biology and preparing me for a medical career. Its diversified faculty and student body will enable me to sample various viewpoints and ideas that will develop my analytical skills. Also, the available solid liberal art curriculum will allow me to explore a range of courses like Psychology, Sociology, Economics, Geography, etc. Since I am interested in discovery and contribution to my field, I hope that the various interdisciplinary research opportunities at Cornell will well prepare me for these pursuits. With the "Health Careers Program" and the "Career library", I am confident of a matured and complete transition from undergraduate to medical school.
QuickStudy
Oct 13, 2009
Scholarship / "fairly knowledgeable of the Bible" - Scholarship Essay [4]
Here's the edited version for comparison. I don't like it as much personally, but I'm told it's an improvement.
...
Here's the edited version for comparison. I don't like it as much personally, but I'm told it's an improvement.
...
QuickStudy
Oct 12, 2009
Scholarship / "fairly knowledgeable of the Bible" - Scholarship Essay [4]
Hello all,
I wrote an essay for a certain college scholarship program, and I've been getting some conflicting advice on changes needed. I have been told, for example, that it should not contain the names of the specific books or information about the instructor, and should focus more on the fellow students; but I also have been told (by others) that those details are better left in for specificity.
The subject was supposed to be "an experience I've had" (and/)or "a person who has influenced me." I was told by different people that I should choose one of these and devote the essay entirely to that (i.e., remove references to the teacher and focus on the instruction) and also that I need to include some about the teacher lest it sound too bookish and narrowly focused. Which end is up here? Please critique, and thanks for the help!
________________________________________________________
After several years as a high-achieving Awana participant, I considered myself fairly knowledgeable of the Bible. Little did I know how much more I would learn about the text, doctrine and their applications during high school.
When entering eighth grade, I was invited to join the church's Bible Quiz program. It sounded like a good opportunity to continue the learning that I had done in Awana, so I jumped at the chance.
I learned to memorize text like never before, but my achievements were by no means outstanding. Bible Quiz included many exceptional students, who would learn by the chapter and quote series of verses perfectly at meets. I was fortunate enough to be with the District Champion team three seasons in a row, and I was exposed to new standards of diligence and quick recall that I would feel driven to match in the coming years.
Another, more unusual aspect of the competitions was the practice of contesting. The rules of Bible Quiz were quite complex, due to the varied types of questions required to test knowledge of the text. Far more frequently than in other types of competitions, it was necessary - and, by the format, encouraged - to contest rulings by the judges or the validity of the questions. Studying and formally arguing the application of the rules developed and regularly exercised new talents for me, and by my second year in the competitions, I was recognized as one of the better contesters. It was a set of skills that I now recognize will be very useful in my future pursuits, involving effective legal reasoning, communication and cooperation.
Through the seasons quizzing, I continued to improve and grow increasingly comfortable in the atmosphere of competition, although I could not always find the time to memorize as much as I had during my second year, when I was the third top scoring quizzer in the state. The best part of the experience was not participating in the meets, however, but in the weekly Bible study. The fellow quizzers regularly traded thoughts on the scriptures they were studying. Accuracy and fact checking were stressed during discussions of passages. Translation guides were frequently used to find the original meanings when the modern English did not provide enough clarity. This helped us get to know each other, and significantly broadened my horizons in the areas of Biblical doctrine and interpretation. I learned that there was great variety to be found in the interpretations of text both familiar and obscure. Nothing could be taken at face value if a clear understanding of the meaning was desired.
I am now in my fifth and final year of Bible Quiz. The experience throughout high school has taught me to study harder, think more deeply, and speak more concisely and precisely. I will miss the regular social interaction and intellectual stimulation found in the Bible studies and quiz meets, but they have left me with enriched knowledge and skills that will serve me well.
Hello all,
I wrote an essay for a certain college scholarship program, and I've been getting some conflicting advice on changes needed. I have been told, for example, that it should not contain the names of the specific books or information about the instructor, and should focus more on the fellow students; but I also have been told (by others) that those details are better left in for specificity.
The subject was supposed to be "an experience I've had" (and/)or "a person who has influenced me." I was told by different people that I should choose one of these and devote the essay entirely to that (i.e., remove references to the teacher and focus on the instruction) and also that I need to include some about the teacher lest it sound too bookish and narrowly focused. Which end is up here? Please critique, and thanks for the help!
________________________________________________________
After several years as a high-achieving Awana participant, I considered myself fairly knowledgeable of the Bible. Little did I know how much more I would learn about the text, doctrine and their applications during high school.
When entering eighth grade, I was invited to join the church's Bible Quiz program. It sounded like a good opportunity to continue the learning that I had done in Awana, so I jumped at the chance.
I learned to memorize text like never before, but my achievements were by no means outstanding. Bible Quiz included many exceptional students, who would learn by the chapter and quote series of verses perfectly at meets. I was fortunate enough to be with the District Champion team three seasons in a row, and I was exposed to new standards of diligence and quick recall that I would feel driven to match in the coming years.
Another, more unusual aspect of the competitions was the practice of contesting. The rules of Bible Quiz were quite complex, due to the varied types of questions required to test knowledge of the text. Far more frequently than in other types of competitions, it was necessary - and, by the format, encouraged - to contest rulings by the judges or the validity of the questions. Studying and formally arguing the application of the rules developed and regularly exercised new talents for me, and by my second year in the competitions, I was recognized as one of the better contesters. It was a set of skills that I now recognize will be very useful in my future pursuits, involving effective legal reasoning, communication and cooperation.
Through the seasons quizzing, I continued to improve and grow increasingly comfortable in the atmosphere of competition, although I could not always find the time to memorize as much as I had during my second year, when I was the third top scoring quizzer in the state. The best part of the experience was not participating in the meets, however, but in the weekly Bible study. The fellow quizzers regularly traded thoughts on the scriptures they were studying. Accuracy and fact checking were stressed during discussions of passages. Translation guides were frequently used to find the original meanings when the modern English did not provide enough clarity. This helped us get to know each other, and significantly broadened my horizons in the areas of Biblical doctrine and interpretation. I learned that there was great variety to be found in the interpretations of text both familiar and obscure. Nothing could be taken at face value if a clear understanding of the meaning was desired.
I am now in my fifth and final year of Bible Quiz. The experience throughout high school has taught me to study harder, think more deeply, and speak more concisely and precisely. I will miss the regular social interaction and intellectual stimulation found in the Bible studies and quiz meets, but they have left me with enriched knowledge and skills that will serve me well.
