Writing Feedback / Is technology useful for education in the modern time? [4]

Since Holt has already commented extensively on your content, I'll just add a few feedback on major writing style issues:

Avoid using 2nd person and even 1st person only except for when you state your opinion. Convert the rest into 3rd person instead to maintain an academic tone overall. For eg: "Presently, we could not reject that..." >> you can something like "It is undeniable that...".

"you can enroll every course" >> 'people can...' or 'it is easier to enroll....' or 'access to enrollment becomes easier', etc.
"... to human health when we overuse it." >> 'when overused' or 'when it is overused' or 'when people overuse' will work better

"wipe out illiteracy from the children" >> this phrase is kinda awkward. You should stop at wipe out illiteracy or go with sthg like 'enhance literacy among students.' A few good paraphrases for 'wipe out' are eradicate, erase, minimize, reduce, and some of their synonyms.

"education could cultivate further than ever" another awkward phrase. I'd say education can develop or improve rather than cultivate. You can even specify what about education is improved here, like edu system, pedagogy, etc.

Finally, you should aim to have three sentences for conclusion. It's great that you specify your subpoints in both your thesis and conclusion; keep it up! And in terms of writing numbers in formal academic writing, normally for numbers from 1 to 12, you write the word out, like one, two, three, etc. From 13 and beyond people use the number, so 12 14 15 288 etc. Rational numbers, like 3.5, often stay in numerical format.

Hope these help and GL!

Writing Feedback / WRITING TOEIC PART 3: Do you agree or disagree with the statement: It is important to work at a job [2]

Hey Chi,

You have good ideas for the essay, but you should distinguish the 1st and 2nd point more. Right now, my understanding is that your 3 main points involve: physical health, mental health/job satisfaction, and work quality. Is that right? Mental health and happiness sound very similar to me, so you may want to reassess how you frame your points.

A few comments about writing style:
"In my opinion, I agree with this..." >> I highly recommend expanding your thesis sentence to include subpoints (your 3 ideas above). If you say "I agree because A, B, and C" instead of stopping at "I agree," the essay will sound much more complete.

Avoid using "you" and "we" in an academic essay. Instead convert it to third-person. For eg: "You may put yourself in ..." >> "People may put themselves.... when they have to..." or "One may put oneself.... when one has to...."

2nd eg: "we all know that money ..." >> "It is a common sense that money cannot buy happiness"

"Additionally, you can even be stressed or ..." >> 'work fatigue, exhaustion, mental crisis might be some helpful vocab. Especially here: "After all, being rich but fail in living a happy life is meaningless and a kind of tragic." >> It is actually quite common for people to experience existential crisis when they reach a certain point in career. It can happen to every career but you can search it up if you'd like and see if this can strengthen you point.

"It is believed that you will work more efficiently and ..." >> you can even go a step further to 'scientific evidences show that....' Job satisfaction does increase productivity and creativity, as management principles go.

Your conclusion, like your thesis, should aim to summarize your subpoints as well. And I'd aim for 3 sentences per paragraph.

Finally, and this is purely optional, you have briefly used counterargument here: "Despite the fact that money is important, it ..." Counterargument is a harder structure, in which you raise a point that potentially disagrees with you, and the refute it. For eg, the disagreement is that 'money is important' and then you refute with 'there are other things that are also important.' You can expand this structure to a paragraph rather than just a sentence. But again, this is slightly more challenging and you don't necessarily have to use it for TOEIC. Just a suggestion :D

GL.

Writing Feedback / Essay Task 2 about the advantages and disadvantages of social media [4]

Some of my feedback:

In terms of structure, I think it'll make more sense if you talk about disadvantages first then advantages. That's also how you phrase your intro and conclusion, so it'll be more cohesive to keep the body flow that way.

You have the tendency to lengthen your sentence, sometimes unnecessarily. For eg: "A feeling of awkwardness may unintendedly germinate and nurture" >> You mean an organic conversations are harder to have because people feel awkward interrupting others who are using phone? This whole sentence sounds a bit awkward to me, despite, if not precisely because of, big words like germinate and nurture. Unintentionally instead of unintendedly. Another eg: "the state of people focusing too much." Basically you overuse complex words and structures, which make your essay sound more complicated and harder to follow than it needs to be.

I have a hard time following your 2nd reason to back social media up. "Traditionally, the amount of time needed to ..." >> Every relationship takes time, whether you meet them f2f or virtually. I assume you mean that social media allows people to meet those geographically far away that they would never have the chance to connect with otherwise? Similarly, this is a stretch: "romantic relationships can be developed online that can possibly lead to face-to-face dating later" >> the vice versa can be true as well.

Your conclusion should be about 3 sentences and summarize in slightly more details your points. Basically you should spell out what drawbacks and advantages social media have again here, of course after paraphrasing. Don't just stop at "social media has goods and bads" but say " although SM has issue because XYZ, it is still pretty good because A and B." Along those line.

Hope these help!

Writing Feedback / Is the financial support from developed countries to those poor nations satisfactory? [8]

@RomanKoch Right, I didn't actually answer the prompt. The things I mentioned are mostly good starting points I think might be helpful if you want to dig a bit deeper into the topic. These are only the tips of an iceberg though. If you google financial aid (in)effectiveness for eg, there can be some good food for thought :D Holt has great guide to explore essay prompt already. GL!

Writing Feedback / Is the financial support from developed countries to those poor nations satisfactory? [8]

In terms of writing styles and structures:

In order to aid ... >> ... would make more sense this way. For that same sentence, I suggest breaking it the "but.." part to another sentence. Eg: In order to aid their poor counterparts, wealthy nations frequently provide financial assistance. Yet/However, poverty issues persist. This way the essay has a more succinct and decisive tone (of course this is purely style preference :D).

"There is a belief" is a roundabout way of writing, so I recommend "Some argue" or "It is argued."

"This essay will expand ..." >> Because this is your thesis statement, so I suggest adding your subpoints right in this sentence to make your thesis complete. For eg, you can say "This essay wholeheartedly concur/agree with this argument because more developed countries have both moral duties and benefits in aiding less developed nations." "more/less developed countries" are common academic terms in replacement of First/Third World or rich/poor countries. I will always recommend writing your thesis sentence in this format: your opinion + reasons. Think of your thesis statement as the one sentence to summarize your essay, so that one can read that one sentence and still know your basic argument and reasoning. That will make a strong thesis sentence.

"a morally right thing" >> too informal. Moral obligation is a really paraphrase you used. I'd also try phrases like moral justice/morally just, it is expected of an ethical person to, universal moral codes, etc

"I think the same works" >> The same principle can apply to.... Also, I suggest you not use "I think" because it's rather informal. If you want to use that structure, "I argue" will work better.

"[...] Eastern Europe to a higher development level.

Finally, a point of further recommendation-- your essay will be much stronger if you can refute a counter-argument (which can be your 3rd idea). So basically you state one reason why people may argue differently from you, and why you think that is wrong. For eg: Some may argue that developed nations also have domestic poverty issues and should focus on their own countries instead of others. However, [insert your 3rd reason]. This is not essential/necessary IELTS, but can strengthen your content quality in any academic writing context.

In terms of ideas:
Your two reasons are good, but does not answer the prompt directly. They answer why you think more developed countries should aid less developed ones, not why you prefer other non-monetary assistance forms.

One major reason why monetary aids have been ineffective is corruption -- each level of the bureaucracy put some money in their pockets and so the aid is scant or completely gone by the time it finally reaches the people/projects in need. Many donor nations handle this by requiring stronger monitoring of where money goes (which, I assure you, costs donors $$$ haha), or simply sending non-monetary aids like human resources or whatever people actually need (food, book, bikes, etc depending on the projects). Or donors can also give financial aids directly to projects they trust instead of giving to the government. Note that either government or project operation teams, how they spend aided money can be tracked to an extent, but ultimately they need some flexibility because they probably know better than donors where aids are needed the most. In a way, this is very much a trust issue.

Another issue is that many people, when receiving financial aids, may not use the provided money for what they said they were going to spend on. So instead of paying for books and school, they may buy a smartphone and internet access and play games all day. Giving them book, and paying directly tuition (and tuition only) in this case ensures people don't misuse financial aids.

This prompt reminds me of the micro-finance hype, where donors "loan" poor families some 'seed money' (low-to-no interest) so these families can start their own business and build up their own financial strength. Then they have to pay off their "loan" at a certain deadline. Feel free to search this up.

Hope these helps with ideas for your essay.