Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

I meant as like one or two sentences at the end. It shows to Chicago that you did your research and are genuinely interested in the school. And your prompt uses the words "particular" and "specificity" so I'm guessing that's actually what they want.

Could you look at my Buchenwald thread again. I responded to your post and wish to hear your thoughts on certain things. Thanks again!!

Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

The first sentence sounds awkward. I would rephrase.
ex) Nine years ago, I was a Ehtiopian emigrant struggling to master the English language, but now I..."

And just a general tip. I would fine one specific thing about Chicago that really makes you excited about going there and just say how that specific thing will make a huge difference. For example, perhaps there is one professor you would love to meet, or some support group or club you would love to join, or maybe it has a specific new research program that other schools do not have and you would love to be a part of. Hopefully that'll help!

Undergraduate / "A Major set back" - undergraduate essay.... [10]

You should try tying this event to something that happened to you in high school. You also need to elaborate on how you've bounced back so to speak from discrimination. Meaning, has it made you more understanding, more critical of superficial labels, etc.

If you have time, could you look over my re-vised Buchenwald and Homeless essays. Hopefully reading and criticizing them can help you improve your own writing!

Undergraduate / Transfer Admissions Essay my 'NEW' essay to NYU - "My Valuable Education" [7]

First two sentences sound choppy. I would combine them with an "and", but that's stylistic choice so it's your call.
I think you're misusing the semicolon in "American culture; after graduating", could anyone confirm this please?
"while my mother had opened me" sounds awkward. Change to "my mother had opened three retail...for me to run"
"Yet among analyzing clothing and swatches of fabric" should be "Yet between..." I think. Depends on whether "swatches" would be considered singular or plural. Confirmation?

I was missing out on a fundamental part of my life, my college career. <-- sounds stronger
Make "After taking an introductory..." active instead of passive by saying "After taking an introductory course in Sociology, I discovered my interests in..."

Hope this helps and if you have time, please take a look at my heavily edited Buchenwald essay and my edited Homeless essay. Thanks!

harrisontanh@gmail.com

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Harrison Tan
Blessing Dr.
Pleasanton, CA 94588
United States

Undergraduate / Transfer Admissions Essay my 'NEW' essay to NYU - "My Valuable Education" [7]

She became assimilated -> She assimilated
My advice: My mother quickly assimilated into American culture immediately after she graduated from Los Angeles High School, she pursued her goal: to not live in poverty.

Just edit your sentences by cutting out passive voice and streamline/combine. Make the admissions people want to help you!

Undergraduate / I still don't know, what who I want to become [6]

I completely agree with Tsunami!
For one, just take out "type of" in the first line. It makes it sound weaker then just outright saying I have always wanted to be a scientist. I have heard that Stanford admires leadership, innovation, and creativity. You want to write something creative and perhaps mention an idea that you have that might develop into something great with "the help of Stanford's outstanding..." I think you get my point!

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

Here's the thing that bugged me the most, but nearly all your sentences start with "I" which gets quite repetitive and overall detracts from your story you're trying to tell. Vary it a bit!

I still think you need something to make it shine, a lot of kids go through what you did. You have to ask yourself how was your change unique?

Hope that helped!

* Please look over my stuff to! Look for "The Homeless" and "Buchenwald"!! Thanks in advance!!!

Undergraduate / "underestimating" - Common Application short answer. 150 words or less.... [12]

You could potentially spin this so that it is the whole overcoming adversity in a clever and innovative way when in a leadership position. I wouldn't use so many "I..." sentence structures, but at the same time remember to lay off passive and don't use passive to vary sentence structure. I personally think you should just cut out the searching the internet part or minimize it. Ex) Because I was discontented with their advice, I scoured the internet looking for more fair and just advice. It doesn't flow too well right now. Maybe a timeline of sorts would help you plan it better.

Sorry but it's nearing four in the morning so that's all I got.
If you have the time and want to thank me back, could you please look over my two essays too! As long as it's constructive criticism, don't hold back!! Thanks!

Undergraduate / "underestimating" - Common Application short answer. 150 words or less.... [12]

If your prompt was like mine:
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
Then unless you consider underestimating math an activity, you didn't answer the prompt.

I'm pretty sure it has to be under 150 words, not 100% though, but I personally wouldn't risk it.

I would choose a better topic, but if you stick with it, you might consider mentioning a "rebound" after you realized your mistake.

I have heard that you should be yourself and be honest when you write, but also "put your best foot forward", meaning showcase your better qualities. So trying tying in determination, resilience, etc.