Undergraduate / "Drop Ball" - Common App Essay - Applicable? [9]

Hi this essay is for prompt 1 on the common app

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Any suggestions, corrections or advice are appreciated
Also, i wanted to make sure this was applicable to the prompt

Drop Ball
"I found one!" The exquisite orange shell gleamed as the sun reflected off the ice. The tiny, snow-covered crevice near the middle of the pond harbored the prize. I imagined what the trophy would look like when it rested atop my treasure trove. A unique golf ball so rare, that it was the first of its kind to have surfaced upon the frozen pond.

Without a word, Brian and Oleg knew what was racing through my mind. They watched nervously as I crept down the edge of the half-dried, frozen pond and made my way to the edge of the shore.

I rested my foot on the ice, The solid foundation gave me false confidence as I took baby steps toward my target. My pulse was beating as fast as that of a hare being pursued by a wolf. I shuffled frantically, the golf ball was almost within arm's reach. In one brisk movement, I dropped to my knees and reached toward the crevice where the fountain was once displayed. I was so close.

I glanced over my shoulder at the others. I was not too far away from the shore, maybe only eight or 10 feet. I caught the sight of puddles forming throughout the lake. Somehow, the warm breeze sent chills down my spine, perhaps because of what it foreshadowed. Before I could react, a tiny crack in the ice had grown into a massive fault. The look of horror on my friends' faces reflected the fear in my eyes as I plunged into the abyss. Freezing water is supposed to feel like a thousand pins and needles piercing your skin, but this was far worse.

I struggled to keep my head above the surface while I attempted to drag my way to safety. My puffy jacket, saturated with water, became a dead weight as I fought for survival. Attempts to throw my body back onto the ice were futile. It had become too thin and just shattered beneath my weight. As I continued to struggle, I felt a tugging on my left foot. My left shoe was tangled in a conglomerate of seaweed. My next move was an easy but painful choice, I loved my new "Nike Kicks" but my life was more precious. With only one foot I pressed against the ice as my senses began to die. I could hear muffled screams and see blurry images, but could no longer feel the pain. In a final attempt, I reached out and grasped what I thought was the hand of God. It pulled me back to the shore, safe at last. A broken piece of fence offered to me by my friends had done the trick.

After seeing the stress I had caused my parents, my friends and my body, I vowed never to leave myself susceptible to such harm again. I learned that risking my life for such an insignificant cause was selfish. Today, my decision-making is less impulsive. I put greater thought into what I do because I know what happens to me impacts those around me.

Thanks for reading

Undergraduate / Weightlifting - need help with awkward sentences (common app short answer) [2]

Weightlifting

When I hear the expression "carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders" stress and responsibility are not the first words that come to mind. Instead, I feel my knees buckle as I think back to my first experience in the weight room. I unhinged the 135-pound colossus from its tomb and, in an instant, my legs gave out. Had it not been for the safety bars, my face would have collided with the metal bars of the squat machine. Although initially embarrassed and dismayed, I was encouraged by veterans who had been through similar situations. As I continued my workouts, the physical changes quickly became visible, but what I had truly gained remained unseen. I had gained the respect of my peers, developed a strong work ethic and disciplined my mind and body to fight through pain and fatigue.

Any advice, corrections and suggestions would be great
I thought the "Although initially embarrassed and dismayed, I was encouraged by veterans who had been through similar situations" was awkward and I am not sure how to fix it

Thanks!

Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

Hi, this is my first time posting and also the first time I'm receiving feedback on my essay. I know that this is not a very polished draft but any advice or corrections are appreciated.

My Brother (Working Title)

I had neither the maturity nor the knowledge to understand what it the diagnosis would mean for my brother. The doctor's muffled words: "disorder", "disability" and "sickness" were enough for a feeble eight year old mind to realize that something was wrong. After that day, my life would change drastically.

Imagine waking up to a world where communicating thoughts, emotions and nees was the most challenging task. This is the world of Autism which my brother Mervin was thrown into when he was three years old. As I have grown up As I grew, my brother's condition has affected nearly every aspect of my life.

Independence was one of the first characteristics I developed as a result of my brother's condition. Because of the constantly dealing with sudden tantrums and always trying to discerning what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents have always been extremely occupied. I have never been neglected but when it came time to attend football games or help with schoolwork, it was not unusual for me to manage on my own. On top of being the sibling of a child with autism, I am also the only other child. Sometimes I feel like I have all the disadvantages of being an only child without the assets of one with a sibling. Just knowing that I will never be able to play basketball with my brother the way that most siblings do sparked jealousy within me. AltThough hopeful, I am realistic and I know that I am solely responsible for the future of my family. Research will hopefully bring progress to combat the effects of Autism. but Until then, I hold the burden of being the only one left to successfully carrying on perpetuate my family name.

Patience and tolerance are two essential qualities that I have developed in order to cope with Mervin in certain situations. As other children complain and fidget in their seats, I would nervously glance at Mervin knowing that at any time he could scream or giggle resulting in the unpleasant glares of the church congregation. What is more painful is having no way of showing others that he is not a typical child. If he were in a wheelchair, the people might have been sympathetic and tolerant, instead we were glared at with a look that said, "control your child, he is old enough!" It is surprising how much an object such as a wheelchair could turn the annoyed stares to comforting eyes which say "I understand". When Mervin would scratch, kick, slap or even bite me, maintaining my composure was not always an easy task but I had no choice but to adapt.

I knew I could not just give up on my brother I only had to be persistent and improvements would come time. As I have matured, i began teaching my brother how to do certain tasks that I took for granted. I could not stop myself from bragging to my parents when I taught Mervin to buckle his seat belt and remove it. Seeing Mervin pronounce simple words like "no", or even nodding his head to acknowledge something was an accomplishment.. When I see the frustration in Mervin's eyes after he tries repeatedly to pronounce the word "water" or explain why his head hurts, anger, sadness and disappointment flood my thoughts. I think "why my brother?" but I will never give up hope.