Hi, this is my first time posting and also the first time I'm receiving feedback on my essay. I know that this is not a very polished draft but any advice or corrections are appreciated.
My Brother (Working Title)
I had neither the maturity nor the knowledge to understand what it the diagnosis would mean for my brother. The doctor's muffled words: "disorder", "disability" and "sickness" were enough for a feeble eight year old mind to realize that something was wrong. After that day, my life would change drastically.
Imagine waking up to a world where communicating thoughts, emotions and nees was the most challenging task. This is the world of Autism which my brother Mervin was thrown into when he was three years old. As I have grown up As I grew, my brother's condition has affected nearly every aspect of my life.
Independence was one of the first characteristics I developed as a result of my brother's condition. Because of the constantly dealing with sudden tantrums and always trying to discerning what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents have always been extremely occupied. I have never been neglected but when it came time to attend football games or help with schoolwork, it was not unusual for me to manage on my own. On top of being the sibling of a child with autism, I am also the only other child. Sometimes I feel like I have all the disadvantages of being an only child without the assets of one with a sibling. Just knowing that I will never be able to play basketball with my brother the way that most siblings do sparked jealousy within me. AltThough hopeful, I am realistic and I know that I am solely responsible for the future of my family. Research will hopefully bring progress to combat the effects of Autism. but Until then, I hold the burden of being the only one left to successfully carrying on perpetuate my family name.
Patience and tolerance are two essential qualities that I have developed in order to cope with Mervin in certain situations. As other children complain and fidget in their seats, I would nervously glance at Mervin knowing that at any time he could scream or giggle resulting in the unpleasant glares of the church congregation. What is more painful is having no way of showing others that he is not a typical child. If he were in a wheelchair, the people might have been sympathetic and tolerant, instead we were glared at with a look that said, "control your child, he is old enough!" It is surprising how much an object such as a wheelchair could turn the annoyed stares to comforting eyes which say "I understand". When Mervin would scratch, kick, slap or even bite me, maintaining my composure was not always an easy task but I had no choice but to adapt.
I knew I could not just give up on my brother I only had to be persistent and improvements would come time. As I have matured, i began teaching my brother how to do certain tasks that I took for granted. I could not stop myself from bragging to my parents when I taught Mervin to buckle his seat belt and remove it. Seeing Mervin pronounce simple words like "no", or even nodding his head to acknowledge something was an accomplishment.. When I see the frustration in Mervin's eyes after he tries repeatedly to pronounce the word "water" or explain why his head hurts, anger, sadness and disappointment flood my thoughts. I think "why my brother?" but I will never give up hope."Show, dont tell" is always the advice I get about college essays. I thought you did a good job with this by stating your characteristics and then told specific stories of how you demonstrate them in real life.
I think this essay would be stronger if you emphasized on small things like how your social life, or your life in education was influenced.
The essay is outstanding and a rwal tribute to your patience and integrity.
Like lalala, though, I'd like to see some of what you really lost. That's a part of the emotional content too.
thanks for the advice and corrections
Hi i was wondering if my essay would be applicable for the Rutgers essay prompt:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
Or can this topic be one of my main points in an essay which focuses on many aspects such as my extracurriculars and other things mentioned in the prompt?
I don't really understand the Rutgers prompt
HI, Kevin!
This is the question you have to answer in your essay, "How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment?" As I see it, you already have all of the 'considerations' mentioned in the prompt covered in your essay as far as what you would contribute to them. All you need to answer now is what you can glean from an education at Rutgers - what do you think they can provide for you?
After you answer that, you have to whittle your essay down to 3500 characters (including spaces??Is there a way to count that besides physically counting it?). That will be the hardest part because your essay is so comprehensive and topic-focused.
I would go with it being one of many talents and experiences that have shaped the person you are but also perhaps the most significant reason why you have so much to bring to the Rutgers' table. Maturity, work ethic, and dedication are the stock that makes for a very successful academic career.
I look forward to reading the finished product!
PS> I am still trying to imagine what 3500 characters would be in word count...let me count my characters here..hang on...
OK, I got cross-eyed after counting 200 characters (27 words...) Good luck with that! Let me know if you know of a way for the computer to do that; I've never had to...Thanks:)
Blue skies!
Jeannie
From..to:
From constantly dealing with sudden tantrums to always trying to discern what it was that Mervin was asking for, my parents...
This could work for any of any of those prompts, even the diversity prompt. You can write about how your brother helped you to learn to be responsive to diverse needs. You could also choose three words to write about in a new intro paragraph for this. It can work for any of the questions, but you need to modify it.
Respond to the prompt in the intro and conclusion paragraphs, and the essay will be "framed" within the correct topic.
Si, lo que dijo! yes, what he said!
But how did you count the number of characters??? I really do not know.
Copy and paste the thing into microsoft word, if you have it... or you can use some other word ptroc. program. Usually there is a function ("tools") that enables you to select "word count."
EF_Kevin
HI1 I do have word count, but I don't have character count. In the original request there was a mention of the essay having to be no more than 3600 characters including spaces, the original plea has been altered...either that or I am going crazy. Oh, well, no matter. :)
Ah ha! Found it! "Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces."
So how do you count characters?
Well, I have microsoft ofice 2003, and when I highlight a few paragraphs, I am able to find out how many words, characters, and so forth are there, by clicking "tools" and then "word count." And it does not just count the words. It tells you how many characters with spacaes, and how many without.
Maybe your program is different, though...oh! Look what I found for you! My thank you gift for all the people you help here: allworldphone.com/count-words-characters.htm
Cool, Thanks! :)
