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"Raised in a privileged community" - University of Michigan - Diversity essay

sb1092 2 / 2  
Oct 28, 2009   #1
Please proofread and give me suggestions on how to make this better. I'm not confident with the last paragraph, so please help me out with an appropriate way to end the essay.

"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

His bare feet were cracked and swollen, having never worn any form of footwear in his life. His oversized clothes were nearly dilapidated, having only two other outfits to be alternated with. Yet his smile was probably the most extravagant I have ever seen, dissolving every burden that he has ever faced. This boy was one of many gratified municipal school children attending art classes held by Akanksha, an Indian organization committed to unveiling potential of underprivileged children through education. During the summer of 2006, I was fortunate to travel to India and assist my cousin in teaching art classes, expanding my awareness of the world's social diversities.

Raised in a privileged community, I had never witnessed poverty until I walked through the streets of India, where children barely old enough to talk were suffering from starvation. When I attended my first art class with my cousin, I was astounded by the differing appearances between my peers back home and the adolescents in front of me. Despite their economic and physical circumstances, these students could not have been more ecstatic to be presented with an opportunity to develop their potential and find their place in society.

After encountering this eye-opening event, I realized that I could not continue ignoring the lives outside of those in Troy, Michigan, and I decided to return the privileges given to me. Volunteering allows me to feel satisfied with positively impacting someone's life, from participating in canned food drives to tutoring children. At the University of Michigan I hope to pursue volunteerism and diffuse awareness of less fortunate societies, resulting in an enthusiastic smile on every child's face.
Klaw30 3 / 9  
Oct 28, 2009   #2
"At the University of Michigan I hope to pursue volunteerism and diffuse awareness of less fortunate societies, resulting in an enthusiastic smile on every child's face."

I think its a bit long for the last sentence

Just a suggestion for change:

At the University of Michigan I hope to continue volunteering and spread awareness of poverty in third world countries. Hopefully, I will be able to put a brilliant smile on every child's face.

In the story you talked about the boy smiling, if it was because of you in any way you should mention it. It will make your example stronger and you can mention it in the last sentence like the suggestion above.
pprajoth 6 / 15  
Oct 28, 2009   #3
How is this adding diversity to the Univ of Michigan?

You might want to mention that =]
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Oct 28, 2009   #4
looks like we're applying to the same school, you can check out what i wrote for this prompt with the indian word gurdwara in it. you also trying to get that application out before nov. 1? Anyway, your story is good, I like how you wrote the first half of the story, that's all fine, i just dont think your second half of the essay matched the first. The conclusions you made about your experience and your reflection on them aren't going to stand out in anybodys mind, its pretty average, and while i know you dont mean it like this, it kind of takes away everything you say in the first half in how you were so amazed with what you saw and passionate about volunteering. The last line also isnt going to last in a persons mind, you can do alot better if your first half of the essay is any indication. And you basically ignore the michigan aspect of this, tying the university into the essay, obviously that cant' be the focus of your essay, but you have to at least say something about hte university, its characteristics in terms of what you can bring and why because you could basically replace michigan with any other school in teh country with this essay and michigan is a school that so diverse and with so many oppurtunities that you're missing out when you do that. One final thing, and im not an admissions officer so take this with a grain of salt, probably not the best idea to write about something that happened before high school that truely changed you if possible, three plus yrs is a long time and applications are suppose to be about what you did in high school. Anyway, you got a good story, now you just need to write about how it changed you.

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