Undergraduate / A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay. [18]

-different analogy for size of house
-but we were still happy; there was
-business, so we rarely saw him
-take out or rewrite sentence: he would always get us what we want.
-never get thesethe money back
-after talking about loaning money to all relatives..no need to list them..very repetitive

-I do not like the essay. It is fine to discuss your mother's death, living in different locations, and admiration for your father. However, the essay does not flow. Also, the conclusion does not sum up the essay. I do not think the moral of the essay makes sense/isn't what colleges are looking for.

Undergraduate / Common application short essay: another about soccer:( [10]

-eliminate the first sentence
-you need to fix the tenses of the essay so that they all match
-you may want to say something about the love of the team and things that came from it, not just passion for soccer

Undergraduate / Can't imagine entering a profession not aimed at helping others; UM School of Nursing [8]

If one asked a kindergarten class what their favorite television shows are, most would reply with a certain cartoon. If one asked my kindergarten-self this question, my response would have been "E.R." Thursday was my favorite day because it was my turn for the "sharing" activity and the night that I got to stay up late to watch E.R. For as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed with the idea of hospitals, ambulances, medicine, etc. Even as a small child, my heart raced with adrenaline each time an ambulance rushed by. I made up stories where I played the heroic emergency medical technician involved in various crises. I loved being in a hospital for doctor's appointments, for siblings' surgeries, or even when a relative was sick. At seven years old, my presence in a hospital equated to the joy of most other girls' presence in a Toys"R"Us. I watched the doctors and nurses meticulously

Undergraduate / I cannot wait to get to know you; Stanford Supplement - roommate [7]

The essay is well-written. It just seems a bit dry. I don't know that it will stand out from all of the other essays. Perhaps, an added anecdote would contribute a great deal to this essay.

Undergraduate / "I got a detention in third grade." Stanford Short: Letter to Roommate [12]

great intro.

-the only thing i might consider is rewording is "obsessive-compulsive." i like what it represents though..your drive and determination.

Undergraduate / "Choose your future" - Ohio State Admission essay [6]

you have a foundation, but you will want to massage this.

-second paragraph, second sentence is a bit confusing/doesn't really make sense. you may want to reword that. perhaps, At first, I was a bit concerned about the large size of Ohio State. However, after visiting it I realized the wide diversity of people and experiences that exist. I look forward to experiencing these things at OSU...