Hallo, I just finished this essay, and am looking for some critiques. Let me know what you think- what I'm most concerned about is whether I'm actually answering the prompt.
The prompt:
2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.
The essay:
I'm the only kid I know who got a detention in third grade. See, we had these old crooked wooden desks, and pencil was always rolling off mine. So I drilled a hole in my desk. It made a great pencil holder, my pencil never escaped again, and it was very cool.
My teacher didn't think so, though. She said students weren't allowed to drill holes in their desks.
Since then, I've been optimizing everything. My environment, my projects, myself- if there is a way for me to make something better, I will find it. Recently, I designed a workshop and then led a team in building it in my school- we built a workbench, a lumber dock, shelves, and cabinets and turned a vacant attic space into a usable room.
Another thing: I'm compulsively obsessive- once I get an idea, it becomes the center of my life, and I'll spend countless hours working on it. Every year I manage my crew in engineering the sets for the school plays. Working with a crew means there are two things to optimize: first, the construction itself, and second, time usage. It's not uncommon for me to be working until the custodians close the school at eleven, and that sort of time commitment, along with my other activities- sports, music, homework, etcetera, can be a balancing act in itself. Because I'm so busy, I know first hand the importance of efficient time allocation.
What all this means for you, Mr. Roommate, is that we will have a fantastic dorm room. Our room will be a testament to room engineering and the perfect model of space maximization. It also means that you won't see much of me actually in the dorm- by the time I've finished optimizing it, I'll have moved on to my next project. That's good for you, because I do snore, but by the time I'm in the dorm and in bed you'll probably be fast asleep.
Let me know what you think, don't be nice!
Thanks!
Your introduction is humorous, captured my attention well. I think its clever way to answer your prompt, by stating that you build things. It lets your roommate and the faculty who you are and what you do. Very good!
Thank you, I'm glad that you liked the intro. What do yo uthink of the conclusion- is that strong enough?
the transition from this:
My teacher didn't think so, though. She said students weren't allowed to drill holes in their desks.
to this:
Since then, I've been optimizing everything. My environment, my projects, myself- if there is a way for me to make something better, I will find it. Recently, I designed a workshop and then led a team in building it in my school- we built a workbench, a lumber dock, shelves, and cabinets and turned a vacant attic space into a usable room.
is a little rough. because it's on a completely different tone, from simple fun and humorous, to intense working showing-off (not saying that that's bad, you gotta do what you gotta do in college essays). so somehow make it flow better. what you did is impressive but eyes tend to skim over it if it sounds like a list of your accomplishments. ya know? cause everyone will just list off their accomplishments. keep it, but make it more legit. haha. is this making any sense?
"It also means that you won't see much of me actually in the dorm- by the time I've finished optimizing it, I'll have moved on to my next project. That's good for you, because I do snore, but by the time I'm in the dorm and in bed you'll probably be fast asleep."
poor roommate! what if they actually like you, and want to see more of you? this makes you sound like you're negligent in your friendships or something.
This is a good concept, and it's unique. The beginning was particularly impressive. Just carry that through to the end. That originality I mean. And show a little more interaction with the roommate. This seems really one-ended to me. Like, express a little more to them about THEM like "If you need something fixed I'm the man" or "Perhaps you could join me on one of my building endeavors" or something.
I think its funny. But do you think the faculty will find it funny? Its always risky to try to add humor to these essays.
Loved intro and conclusion. Your wit seems natural and admissions people love that.
Middle seems a little rushed though, but altogether you did answer the question and it sounds very good!
I like this, it's funny, except to answer your question about the conclusion it isn't really that strong. You assume too much about the roommate in the end (what if this person doesn't think great allocation is fantastic? What if he's a total slob and likes it that way?), but I do like the last sentence.
DISAGREE WITH ALALAPRINCESS
i love it. they WILL catch the humor. it's so cute! :D i coudln't help smiling. really.
i also disgaree with kritipg. the tone change is necessary because you don't want to sound too happy throughout. You do add a bit of humor towards the end, which I also like. The style of writing says a lot about you. It's really really great. The best "write to your roomie" essay I've read. Really.
Please read mine:
Good essay. It expresses clearly who you are, and the qualities you attribute to yourself are largely positive. Sure, there are some people who would absolutely *hate* having someone like you as a roommate, but that's okay. In fact, it means you have done a good job in conveying your personality, as people can tell whether or not they think you would be a good match for them as a roommate by reading your letter.
Thanks for all your help everyone. I think I'll tweak it a bit and call it a day. You're all quite flattering.'
The only thing I have to say is to Verily- yes, that could be totally true, and I thought about that. After thinking, though, I figured that the essay prompt isn't "How can you make your roommate like you?", and not everyone will like me, so I guess in the end this is more honest. I hope.
Anyway, thanks a lot!
I think it was an interesting way to answer the essay. It shows ingenuity and a creative side.
It's not hackneyed at all!
great intro.
-the only thing i might consider is rewording is "obsessive-compulsive." i like what it represents though..your drive and determination.
