Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Working at A&F - criticism welcome! [2]

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer). Current word count: 148. All criticism is welcomed. Thanks!

A hypnotizing fragrance pervades the air. Dance remixes of chart-topping hits pulse through the speakers. I take a deep whiff and surrender myself to the thumping bass. This isn't Saturday night at the hottest club in Vegas, but rather Sunday morning during my early work shift. Working at Abercrombie & Fitch taught me that combining what I do with what I love is possible. My organization, honesty, and social skills were tested as I arranged clothing, handled money, and assisted clientele (in Tagalog and French!). Passing each test with flying colors, I was asked to stay on for a year after being hired as a seasonal model. Naturally, I accepted. Surrounded by fashion I loved and the banter of my colleagues, I equated going to work with attending a party. After all, singing along to Lady Gaga's songs while folding the clearance pile by color is a blast.

Undergraduate / A Bit Unlikely, Common App Personal Essay-Influential Fictional Character Prompt [6]

This is my personal essay for the Common App essay requirement. All constructive criticism is welcome, specially ones concerning diction, style, and flow. It's currently 606 words.

The prompt I chose: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

A Bit Unlikely
A brilliant man once hailed books as "the best weapons in the world" and libraries as "the greatest arsenal we can have". Eight minutes later, he used the Koh-i Nur diamond as a prism to drown a werewolf in moonlight to protect Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom. Hailing from the Doctor Who television series, this man is known as The Doctor. He is from an alien race called the Time Lords and wields the ability to travel through time and space. He spends his days journeying through eras and galaxies, helping the noble and the wicked, anytime and anywhere, from twenty-first century Earth to the planet Malcassairo in the year one hundred trillion. The Doctor utilizes his brains and never uses guns or violence, running rather than fighting. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked.

Following the Doctor on his televised adventures, I was swept away by his vivid universe that captured my equally vivid imagination. I was first introduced to the Doctor when he traveled to the year five billion and twenty-three. Within a corrupt hospital on New Earth, he discovered a farm filled with artificially grown human beings infected with every disease in the universe for the sake of developing cures. The Doctor saw the beauty of this newborn race and did everything in his power to give them life and purpose. Armed with medicine loaded into an emergency sprinkler system to combat an army of diseased humans, this Doctor won my admiration. An unlikely role model, he was resourceful, clever and had gravity-defying hair.

In addition to his epic heroism and eccentric wardrobe choices (he pairs Converse hi-tops with pinstriped suits), I appreciated the Doctor's fervor for learning. Despite being nine hundred years old, he admits that he does not know everything about the universe. He loves not knowing and considers pursuing the unknown to be "the best part". Watching him squeal with glee at the discovery of an alien species or the exploration of an exotic planet, I learned to love my ardent curiosity about the world around me. Every time the Doctor uses his intellect to defeat terrible creatures, be it giant wasps or microscopic piranhas, the galactic geek in me longs to do the same. Granted, I lack the powers of time and space travel, but I still I grew to share a zest for knowledge with the Doctor. While I cannot apply that same keenness to exterminating horrifying monsters, I draw on it to conquer the beasts that are my academics and extracurricular activities. With each scholarly accomplishment, I am positive the Doctor would grin at me and exclaim, "Brilliant!"

I like to think of myself as one of the Doctor's companions, the humans that accompany him on his adventures. He showed me endless possibilities and I saw things that I never saw before I met him. The struggling classmate, the gloomy coworker, I learned to help them as the Doctor helped others. The Doctor has his sonic screwdriver and his Time Lord technology, but I have my smile and good humor. Rather than emulating him exactly, I opened my mind and allowed the Doctor to influence me in order to better define my way of thinking. I developed an appetite for the unknown, for that new frontier. Today, my new frontier is college and with my geeky enthusiasm, I will tackle the next four years with "the best weapons in the world": books. I will bring my avid passion for learning and when in the face of demanding trials, I will remind myself, "What would the Doctor do?" He would wink, click his tongue and say, "Not impossible. Just a bit unlikely!" I will not be limited to the constraints of my home or the walls of college, because while I pursue my bachelor's in The Universe, I will have planets to save, civilizations to rescue, creatures to defeat, and an awful lot of running to do.

Again, any kind of constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?" [9]

This is my essay for my Vassar Supplement. I'm a male high school senior attending a performing arts high school, applying Early Decision [Round I] and my deadline is November 15. I like it and my teachers and peers have proofed it, but I'd like to see how people who don't know me at all may perceive it. I'd like to hear your reactions. :]

Right now, it clocks in at 789 words. My prompt was: How did you learn about Vassar and what aspects of our college do you find appealing?

The One

As I stood in the Ninoy Aquino International Airport bookstore, skimming the fiction section for a self-indulgent airplane read, I came across a title that piqued my interests. I was thirteen going on thirty and undergoing my fashionista stage, as proven by my wafer-thin scarf and wool beret in the humidity of my native Philippines. I picked up a thick paperback from the shelf, a glamorous woman decked with scarlet stilettos and an arrowhead tail on the cover. After reading the sidebar, The Devil Wears Prada sounded like the perfect blend of decadence and bite I was looking for. On my flight, I learned that while working for the fashion magazine Runway, the protagonist Andie befriends a beauty editor named James, a Vassar graduate. Naturally, I enjoyed the animated James and his scathing wit and decided to keep tabs on his alma mater. I believed that if someone who was essentially the me in ten years, albeit fictional, attended Vassar College, it could be a fitting place for me. After eighteen hours of crossing the Pacific, I landed in scalding Las Vegas, scarf and beret in hand in a summer desert, ready to begin my freshman year of high school.

Between musical rehearsals and English lectures and frog dissections, I began my college search. A counselor advised me to seek a college where I can study what I want to study and learn how I want to learn. Well, I thought, I want to study everything from the history of Greek drama to how magazines influence people's lives. I want to learn those things through diverse approaches and points-of-view. I want to experience the "ivy-covered buildings" of a traditional college setting but I want to be near a metropolis, too. All of that, and I had to go and look for it? The hunt for the right college loomed and it was daunting.

My counselor said to me, "Don't worry. When you find the right college for you, you'll know. You'll get that vibe. You'll find 'The One'."'

I picked up The Devil Wears Prada again for fun and as I read, my eyes passed over the word "Vassar". I stopped myself and thought about James, the me in ten years. A peculiar sensation surged through my chest. Could it be? All I knew about Vassar was the Shakespeare Garden and the Powerhouse Theatre. I hungered to know more.

A Vassar student from my own high school taught me everything I needed to know. As a fellow dancer, she knew about my desire to continue theatre and dance in college and illustrated how Vassar's extracurricular activities could nourish my own interests. My loves of musical theatre and mass media would both be welcomed and cultivated at Vassar. I even made it a personal goal to join the Future Waitstaff of America, Vassar's musical theatre troupe, after seeing their production of Bare: A Pop Opera online. Additionally, Vassar's proximity to New York City would be a major plus. I would be able to visit the capital of the world and sit on the hill near Sunset Lake and embrace the serenity of Hudson Valley all in one day.

I learned that the Freshman Writing Seminar, the quantitative courses and the foreign language requirement would allow me the academic freedom to explore various fields of study, including the opportunity to double major in Drama and Media Studies. Finally, I obtained Vassar's College Catalogue. The statement of academic purpose read like a list of my life goals. Vassar would help me study what I want to study and learn how I want to learn. My counselor's advice echoed in my mind. With each bullet point I read, I experienced that same curious sensation in my heart crescendo into a climax that I can only describe as reaching nirvana or slipping into the perfect pair of jeans.

I could not believe it. I found "The One" when I was in the eighth grade. Vassar was my soul mate and it took me four years to figure that out.

A funny thing about Vassar and The Devil Wears Prada: Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway starred in the movie adaptation and guess what? Both went to Vassar. Anne attended briefly while Meryl graduated with a B.A. in Drama. Without a doubt, it was fate at work. I spent the last four years learning about my soul mate, and I would be delighted to share my life with Vassar for another four. One day, I will be driving down Raymond Avenue, scarf around my neck and beret on my head with the next four years in a trunk full of boxes, and my eighth-grade dreams will be fulfilled, because Vassar and I, we go way back.

Any kind of constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again.