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Posts by stevieg
Joined: Oct 28, 2009
Last Post: Nov 28, 2009
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stevieg   
Nov 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from - UC essay - Indonesia [5]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"On December 26, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake struck off the Indonesian island of Sumatra." Having lived in Indonesia for over eleven years, I am accustomed to news broadcasts reporting the thousands left dead or missing from natural disasters. Indonesia is a poverty-stricken nation where natural disasters happen more often than national holidays. I have witnessed and have been directly affected by these phenomena. Heavy monsoons closed our school doors in numerous occasions and earthquakes led to the disjointing of families in Yogjakarta. I have learned to appreciate and be thankful for what I have.

I am from a family of golfers. My father boasts a professional golf license and my mother is regarded as one of the best women golfers in the community. I play golf with my parents every week and there I am well aware of the sense of poverty in my immediate environment.

Woosh! The ball soared into the sky and landed gracefully on the fairway as I grinned profusely and marveled at such a picturesque shot. As I strolled down the fairway, a little boy suddenly jumped out of the bushes, snatched the ball and ran away. I could not believe anyone would so blatantly steal a golf ball that costs less than a dollar.

"Stop! Come here you little monkey!" screamed a security guard nearby as he galloped ferociously and grabbed the little juvenile screeching for help.

"Let him go. I want to talk to him." I pleaded as I approached the lad and asked him why he tried to steal my golf ball.

"I have to find and sell golf balls because my father cannot support my family on his own," the lad stammered in his trembling squeaky voice. I just learned that something that I took for granted could be so valuable to another individual and that a mere five thousand rupiah could feed a local family for a day. I learned how fortunate my life has been considering that at such a young age I spent my time eating sumptuous food while a young boy squatted in thorny bushes waiting for a ball.

"Take it home and buy some rontong for your family." I handed the ball to the young lad as he beamed in ecstasy and thanked me numerous times.

While I strolled back to the clubhouse, I asked my father about his humanitarian efforts. He told me that he was a humanitarian entrepreneur and has always been grateful of everything that happened around him, including the local community in which he runs his garment industry. He sends sacks of rice and necessities to the town council every month in a show of gratitude. The little boy and my father inspired me to become a prosperous entrepreneur and pursue my own humanitarian causes.

Please comment on the essay in general and recommend me how can I improve the content and structure of this writing. Thanks!
stevieg   
Oct 30, 2009
Essays / Modern technology has increased material wealth [5]

You can talk about how modern technology calls for more skillful labor, hence more lucrative jobs, and that might contribute to increase in material wealth.

Back in 19th century, Russia began industrialization under Tsar Nicholas II and the development of technology and subsequent building of Sub-Siberian Railway has rejuvenated the Russian economy and more people moved into the city with better wages and lifestyle.
stevieg   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application: influential figure [3]

"Oh my god, what is that?" Out of the blue, everyone climbed out of the pool and surrounded me like hungry hyenas.
"Dude, come here. It is moving. It even has hairs."
"Does it grow in water? Let me pour water on it." I wanted to dive into the pool and never come out. With a drooped head and parched lips, I wept in shame and sorrow, swallowing scathing verbal abuses from my friends. It was, indeed, too much for a seventh grade kid to endure.

Throughout my life, I have been a center of ridicule for this presence on my body: a gigantic hairy mole in the middle of my stomach. My friends often touched, tasted and compared this devil glued on my torso to the size of their fingernails. What had transpired in the swimming arena was just another torture that I had to bear.

That day, I returned home, dejected, hopeless, cursing God for this ogre on my stomach. I cried all night and prayed earnestly, hoping the mole would disappear.

The next day, I went to a golf course far away from my home, giving myself some space and time to contemplate what to do with the mole.

"Excuse me, do you mind if this man joins your play?" asked the course manager, pointing at an old man with a wrinkled face, sitting alone in a packed bamboo hut.

"I don't mind." I said. Then, I slowly approached the man, took my hat off and introduced myself.
"My name is Harris, nice to meet you." I pulled out my right hand for a handshake, but the man just beamed and nodded his head. I looked at him and noticed that his right arm was missing. The absence of his limb completely baffled me. How would an old man with no right arm play golf?

"What happened to your right arm?" I lumbered to a seat and asked inquisitively.
"I lost my arm while driving a motorbike when I was young," said the old man.
"Why do you even bother playing golf?" I asked again, still confused.
He grinned and looked at me in the eyes. "Because I can. This little inconvenience does not stop me from playing golf." I closed my eyes, gently touched my mole and pondered on what his words meant. How many times did I let the mole to stop me from swimming and going to the beaches with my friends?

"Have you ever been let down by your physical hindrance?" I asked, hoping his answer would shed some light on my conflicted inner self.

He continued, "Of course, but that was long time ago. I promised to never let myself down because of something that I cannot fix." He was right. I should not complain and whine about the mole.

The old man clumsily stepped into the tee-box, gently placed the ball on the tee, and smashed the ball just with his left arm with Herculean strength. The ball soared into the sky like a hawk and landed gracefully in the middle of the fairway. My mouth gaped in awe and wonder.

"If an old man like me can play golf with no arm, you can accomplish anything no matter what stands in your path." Indeed, why should I be so embarrassed about the mole on my body? It shall not stop me from achieving my means. After all, it is just a mole.

During the next swimming session, my friends started to tease me again for obvious reasons. However, I did not budge, put my chin up and exclaimed,

"Look guys, I'm gonna swim." Then I dived confidently into the pool and glided towards the finish line.

Guys, please comment on my essay and tell me how can I improve my writing.
Thanks