Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [10]

mmm, you dont need the intro sentence, its a common error, in reality this is just a waste of space. but anyway, your just narrating for the first few lines, no, you got create an image, start with something more profound, a specific moment in your lab that really captivated you. I know this is a short essay, but through that moment you can describe your interests in the dynamic subject. There are lots of good images you can think of when researching pig's hearts. Also, this is just a general admissions note, if possible, you want to avoid saying you worked w/ your father, often times this just looks like the silver spoon method, aka you just had everything given to you, you didnt have much initiative. I know this is controversial, but i think if possible(look at hte rest of your app first), but if possible take that part out. Its a little subtle thing that could rub an adcome the wrong way.

Anyway, the reason i emphasize the strong introducing image is because otherwise this essay just reeks of clicheness, another med student whos main goal is to help others puts adcoms to sleep and the whole intellectual challenge idea is just vague jargon, show it through that pig ex or whatever else you might have, that image you convey, you dont need to go two lines talking about it. Also, if possible talk about something specific in this rice academic field, maybe there department is particuarly strong w/ pig research, i dont know, think of something. Pig research is a really interesting topic, use it and its specifics to guide you through your essay. Good luck:)

Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [10]

You definitely dont need to give reasons for applying to rice if you go by the prompt, but my advice for these essays for these top notch schools is that you SHOULD. You have to show some form of legit interest to get into a top notch school in alot of cases for transferring, because if a school is going to offer one of its few transfer spots, it damn well better be for someone whos going to take it in their mind. Thats always been my opinion, I always feel like you can combine the two but anyway as for what you have...

Yes, this is better, I like the idea you get across in the intro, but i think you could use stronger langauge, awe and surreal are a little overdone but thats not the big thing, more importantly, your description doesnt have much life to it, it doesnt really sound interesting, its hard to describe, but if you read the best essays on this website, i think you'll know what i mean. But take a look at this in the center of your essay "Having completed various science classes in high school and college, I have not only gained an extraordinary wealth of factual knowledge, but also enjoyed the intellectual challenge of having to use facts and judgments to resolve problems, especially in organic chemistry lab where we learned to determine the identity of unknown compounds using a variety of methods. Through my hospital volunteer and EMT training experience, I had the privilege to witness humanity at its best, realized that medicine cannot only save lives, but change lives" I know you had a question about the prompt earlier so im not going to overdo my point here, but this doesnt really answer why your applying and in reality the gaining of facutal knowledge, intellectual cahllenge of using knowledge to solve problems, thats all just soooooooo trite and overdone. You lose the authenticness, impact, image and uniqueness that your essay had in the beginning, and part of it is to me is you might be forcing this image because me and others have said your intro is weak. It doesnt seem like you naturally writing this, but for a short essay i think you can get away w/ that, espec when you seem to have a tendency to fall into these cliche type descriptions and introspection, again, images, something specific, i know in a way there has to be a point you backoff your specific claim, but that doesnt mean you fall into the cliche topics endless science students will. Maybe talk about how you can change lives, but again, watch out, thats another topic very easy to run into a cliche analysis with, i suggest it to you as another possiblity because this intellectual depth thing doesnt seem to be working. Also, i think your fond of your conclusion, but its way too abrput, doesnt flow naturally with the essay, seems forced again, what does the now have to do w/ what you wrote before? Its also might be a sentence fragment(get a grammar expert, i know there have to be some on this site to check it out) but i think your going to have to edit it, although i still think you want to keep some authenticity here, in a short essay, the concluding sentence is invaluable, we talk about images alot, but thats the last image your getting across and it better be pretty good if you want to distinguish yourself w/ the essay.

Anyway, good luck, this is better than before, but you've only really edited half of it in my mind significantly and that half still needs more as i said before and then look into the second half.

Undergraduate / 'Think, understand, integrate, and prove' - University: Why Chicago [5]

your trying to sound impressive with all these quotes, i would cut them out, they just come across as over the top, dont sound true to your natural voice, and really this whole idea about questioning what is education isnt a particuarly good college essay topic, even for a place like UChicago. The whole problem with your essay is if your quote at the beginning doesnt captivate the readers attention in the beginning, this essay really doesnt catch the readers attention or resonate which is what happened to me. But just in general as the essay progresses, it just seems bland and doesnt really say much of anything significant, its all so vague, i know you try to target this to uchicago, but in reality this essay could be used for alot of schools, you dont metnion anything specific about uchicago, just its seriousness, attitude towards learning(which i said before is a touch subject), and that it presents lots of opportunities, but you dont go into much depth about these opportunities. You make the common mistake of trying to do too much, you want to list a plethora of things about the school that will make it sound like its a good fit for you from the sheer volume of things that you like, but in reality this is one of the biggest errors, stick with one or two things, develop one or two ideas, maybe the seriousness and approach to education(provide specifics, departments, specific internship,s professors, anecdotes, experiences, classes etc) and something else you might like, it seems like you really like chicago's opportunities presented, describe them, list some of them, make this more personalized.

Undergraduate / Letter of Appeal to University of Florida (I was not approved) [3]

your in a tough spot, appeals almost never work, but i'd get some advice from your counselor or someboy who know your grades and sats, if thats an issue(which im assuming it is), have the counselor write a letter giving an explanaton about this, when you try to come up with reasons, colleges arent likely to buy them and just think your likely just coming up with bad excuses. This letter that you write should be about you and what you contribute to the campus, dont make this an argment jutifying your gpa and sats, show them something unique you can bring, as always be specific, tell a story, do something that catches their attention, and as a side note, frankly if your sats are barely above average and you have a b+ average, for a school like florida which is one of the more competitive public schools out there, being out of state(which im guessing you are), you cant be surprised by this, in fact, that likely puts you below florida's average stats, and if your below average, you really dont deserve to get in based off your numbers(which are what public school admissions are all about), so focus on something else that makes you deserving.

Undergraduate / "It started with a soccer ball" Tufts Optional Essay [3]

Ah, the last second essay, know this experience quite well from just a couple months ago, didnt work to well for me:)

But anyway, take a closer look at the prompt where the questions come in "Did you find the courage to create a better opportunity for yourself or others? Were you able to find the voice to stand up for something you passionately supported? How did you persevere when the odds were against you?"

Now, the most important part of this prompt is the last question, how? and let me ask you, how exactly do you show the how? You list it, you mention it, and you try to reflect on it, but theres not enough self reflection. Here, take a look at what you wrote

" I would play in the backyard, alone. I lacked the energy, but my love for soccer was too much for me to stop now. With some colorful borders, photos and catchy words, I posted posters all over my school to seek girls who were interested in soccer. Every day, I would approach girls with a signup sheet, which continued to fill up. A week later, although our jerseys didn't match, we walked together as a team towards the field. It was the beginning of the girls' soccer team."

-So basically youve given a narrative of what youve done which could be found elsewhere in the application, not much here in terms of introspection. Now, here's where you try to do some of that introspection

"It has been years since that day, and I hear that the girls' soccer team won the inter-school championships last year. Although now I don't play soccer as often, the lessons gained from the experience has never left me. My passion was there for a reason, to continue to motivate me even when the situation seemed impossible. Such philosophy has made me determined to create my own opportunities, as the limits that I have are the one I set on myself. I hope to achieve in encouraging others to challenge themselves by example."

- This is all just jargon, its all language, and its all vague, it doesnt convey much, this isnt self reflection, this is just saying you passion motivates you, the whole point of the essay is to show HOW it motivates you. You gotta have the self reflecting part in a college essay, thats the most important part. And the last two lines are really cliched, there are going to be countless essays that end like this.

I think you try to do too much w/ the prompt here, i dont know what the word limit here is, but assuming you are right around the limit, too much of this essay is spent on your initial passion towards soccer, and while its important to get this across early, theres too much unecessary commentary. You could have definitely shortened that significantly and then gotten to the reflective part and showed HOW YOU CHANGED. Without showing how you changed, what does this really convey to an adcom? That you like soccer? Theyll know that through the rest of your app and liking soccer just by itself isnt getting you into tufts. You could have started with the change right from the start and through that showed the passion you had for soccer and your earlier playing career. You didnt need to directly make into two parts.

But anyway, sorry for the brutal response, this wont hurt you and you didnt commit any fatal errors which is what often happens w/ last second essays, i just felt like you could have done alot more w/ this, but you were rushed, i wouldnt really worry about it. Good luck:)

Undergraduate / Waitlist letter to washington university st.louis [3]

you definitely want to introduce yourself here, also washu is big on interest, EFkevin nailed this, show something specific about why you want to go there, not just oh Washu fits me perfectly or " As an aspiring premed student, attending a school that caters to my interests, structures itself around people like me and would help nurture my talents is of utmost importance to me and I am so glad that Washington University provides all these". Thats more jargon than anything, i know you need some of this, but you can be way more specific w/ any particular washu programs that truely arent OFFERED ANYWHERE ELSE. Think about how many vague letters WASHU gets about interest in the school( and being that washu WLS ridiculous amounts of ppl, there are alot of them), that vague stuff wont do anything to get you on their rador which is what your looking for

Second off, you want to send this to your regional admissions officer, email the undergrad office or call them or look up if you can who that person is. Get the regional adcoms attention directly. Also, id call your adcom and try talking to them and reiterating pts on why you want to go and that you'll go if you get in.

Also, if you can get another rec or somebody of highest possible source in your school to contact your regional adcom and lobby for you, thats something you def. want to do.

one other thing, when you say youve gotten into several other schools, list them, no school will directly ever admit this, but they like stealing from other top schools, especially a place like WASHU who does all kinds of weird things in admission and who has done everything possible to maximize their ranking, it those college news rankings. WASHU would love nothing more than to steal from a duke, or a penn, or a uchicago, or some other prestigious school, btw, which school are you planning on going to right now, im guessing you have at least some decent options being a val?

Finally, just a bit of advice, realize the odds against you in general for getting off the WL, but especially for WASHU, WASHU is known for having huge waitlists, as in 10,000+, so your odds really are small, just the nature of it. And get on this now, because when they start looking at the waitlist May 1st, your name can be one of the first they look at and consider, you need all the attention you can get for a WL.

Undergraduate / 'bike race' - U of Chicago - How did you get caught? [6]

You do realize this was last yrs UCHICAGO prompt? Or did you apply this yr and just want to post this essay? if your a rising senior applying this fall, the essay prompts going to be completely different, UChicago's gonna throw another one of their infamous essay prompts at you, gluck, this was the essay prompt i also used for mine when i applied back in the fall( and just about everybody i know used it)