kvon99
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / First family rescue- University of Florida Essay [4]
Thank you guys
lysss i read your essay and responded :)
Thank you guys
lysss i read your essay and responded :)
kvon99
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Application Essay-8th gradefailure turns into high school academic excellence [8]
"First Honors! I finally have First Honors!"
This statement of what you said seems kinda unnatural. To me it just made me think whether you actually said that or not or just made it up.
Seeing their ecstatic faces made me realize I wanted to experience their excitement
This sentence seems to literal and straightfoward you just state what you feel, maybe take a metaphorical approach. Try to use a different word than wanted.
Maybe... As I saw the ecstatic faces walk across the stage, I realized my aspiration to achieve.
With your sentence the way you have it, it makes it seem like you just want to achieve for the happiness, I think this way it shows how you have the desire to achieve.
I wanted to achieve Honors and be recognized for my hard work; I wanted to excel academically.
-you should use something other then wanted, this sentence is cliche the way you wrote it, make it something different. Use your senses in your writing.
At that moment, I set a goal for high school: to work relentlessly hard (different word then hard) in my academics and one day hold the title of First Honors Student (Not needed -to my name).
Moving onto high school in a new state (I moved from New Jersey to Florida) allowed me to start anew and focus on the goal I had set for myself.
(I moved from New Jersey to Florida) is not necessary, slows down the essay, "a new" space. Use thesaurus! for focus, and goal
Come Junior year, I prepared myself for an academically challenging year
- too informal for me, sounds like a flufff sentence. maybe include example fo preperation, maybe show how you studied and did hw when friends went out, how you didnt procrastinate (haha i dont think any student can not, well not me Haha :))
ising Seniors had bombarded me with horror stories about Junior year being the most academically difficult. I entered Junior year with a bit of dread and fear, but overall a sense of anticipation. Would this be the year I finally accomplished my goal?
had is not needed, use different word with horror. when you say junior year it sounds sounds like you dont like school. but overall sense of anticipation sounds fluffyyy.. maybe would this be the year my goal is accomplished?
Last paragraphh
you say i i i i i i many lines.
use something else.
"First Honors! I finally have First Honors!"
This statement of what you said seems kinda unnatural. To me it just made me think whether you actually said that or not or just made it up.
Seeing their ecstatic faces made me realize I wanted to experience their excitement
This sentence seems to literal and straightfoward you just state what you feel, maybe take a metaphorical approach. Try to use a different word than wanted.
Maybe... As I saw the ecstatic faces walk across the stage, I realized my aspiration to achieve.
With your sentence the way you have it, it makes it seem like you just want to achieve for the happiness, I think this way it shows how you have the desire to achieve.
I wanted to achieve Honors and be recognized for my hard work; I wanted to excel academically.
-you should use something other then wanted, this sentence is cliche the way you wrote it, make it something different. Use your senses in your writing.
At that moment, I set a goal for high school: to work relentlessly hard (different word then hard) in my academics and one day hold the title of First Honors Student (Not needed -to my name).
Moving onto high school in a new state (I moved from New Jersey to Florida) allowed me to start anew and focus on the goal I had set for myself.
(I moved from New Jersey to Florida) is not necessary, slows down the essay, "a new" space. Use thesaurus! for focus, and goal
Come Junior year, I prepared myself for an academically challenging year
- too informal for me, sounds like a flufff sentence. maybe include example fo preperation, maybe show how you studied and did hw when friends went out, how you didnt procrastinate (haha i dont think any student can not, well not me Haha :))
ising Seniors had bombarded me with horror stories about Junior year being the most academically difficult. I entered Junior year with a bit of dread and fear, but overall a sense of anticipation. Would this be the year I finally accomplished my goal?
had is not needed, use different word with horror. when you say junior year it sounds sounds like you dont like school. but overall sense of anticipation sounds fluffyyy.. maybe would this be the year my goal is accomplished?
Last paragraphh
you say i i i i i i many lines.
use something else.
kvon99
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / First family rescue- University of Florida Essay [4]
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
"TWEEEEEET! TWEEEETTT! TWEEEEEET!" I blow the whistle and wave my flag desperately trying to get the family of three to come in before they get sucked out into the ocean. I stand up from Lifeguard Tower 334 in Daytona Beach to get a better view of the situation. The family is struggling in the white water, while 5-foot waves crash on them and the rip currents drag them further out to sea. I reach for my radio, "334 to Daytona 10-6 south!" place my flag down, and drop off the tower. Keeping the family in my line of sight, I grab my buoy and start to sprint. As I enter the shallow water, I release my buoy to let it drag behind me and start swimming furiously. I dive and dash through sets of powerful waves that try to push and slam me back to shore. My mind and body focused; I know exactly what needs to be done.
The family bobs in and out of my sight as the oscillating ocean pushes me up and down. When I finally reach them I see the trepidation and desperation in their eyes. I cast the buoy to them and breathlessly shout, "I am a Lifeguard, and I'm here to help!" The 8-year-old twin girls and their mother latch onto my buoy and I slowly swim them in. I bring them to shore, and ask if they are alright. They say they're fine and, with emotions overflowing, thank me. I tell them I'm glad they're safe and jog back to resume to watch the water at Tower 334.
My first rescue as a Volusia County Beach Lifeguard changed me as a person and will affect my contributions to the UF Campus Community. These experiences instilled a sense of awareness of the value of life and how in moments it can be lost or altered forever. As a Lifeguard, I was trained to handle situations in all types of environments that challenged me physically, mentally and emotionally. I learned to make split second decisions that help life affecting consequences and responsibilities beyond my years. Every experience is an opportunity to make something better, make a difference and affect the world around me. As a Gator in the Engineering College I hope to gain the knowledge and skills to take these beliefs and goals to the outside world. As a Gator, I bring a new perspective; one that is not afraid to say "Why not?", "How come?" or "Show me." I possess the skills to seek out these different perspectives and unify them to achieve our common goal. As a person, I bring to the University of Florida integrity, honesty, life's true value and its many opportunities.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
"TWEEEEEET! TWEEEETTT! TWEEEEEET!" I blow the whistle and wave my flag desperately trying to get the family of three to come in before they get sucked out into the ocean. I stand up from Lifeguard Tower 334 in Daytona Beach to get a better view of the situation. The family is struggling in the white water, while 5-foot waves crash on them and the rip currents drag them further out to sea. I reach for my radio, "334 to Daytona 10-6 south!" place my flag down, and drop off the tower. Keeping the family in my line of sight, I grab my buoy and start to sprint. As I enter the shallow water, I release my buoy to let it drag behind me and start swimming furiously. I dive and dash through sets of powerful waves that try to push and slam me back to shore. My mind and body focused; I know exactly what needs to be done.
The family bobs in and out of my sight as the oscillating ocean pushes me up and down. When I finally reach them I see the trepidation and desperation in their eyes. I cast the buoy to them and breathlessly shout, "I am a Lifeguard, and I'm here to help!" The 8-year-old twin girls and their mother latch onto my buoy and I slowly swim them in. I bring them to shore, and ask if they are alright. They say they're fine and, with emotions overflowing, thank me. I tell them I'm glad they're safe and jog back to resume to watch the water at Tower 334.
My first rescue as a Volusia County Beach Lifeguard changed me as a person and will affect my contributions to the UF Campus Community. These experiences instilled a sense of awareness of the value of life and how in moments it can be lost or altered forever. As a Lifeguard, I was trained to handle situations in all types of environments that challenged me physically, mentally and emotionally. I learned to make split second decisions that help life affecting consequences and responsibilities beyond my years. Every experience is an opportunity to make something better, make a difference and affect the world around me. As a Gator in the Engineering College I hope to gain the knowledge and skills to take these beliefs and goals to the outside world. As a Gator, I bring a new perspective; one that is not afraid to say "Why not?", "How come?" or "Show me." I possess the skills to seek out these different perspectives and unify them to achieve our common goal. As a person, I bring to the University of Florida integrity, honesty, life's true value and its many opportunities.
kvon99
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Emory- how will it help me grow? [8]
I think it starts off very great. It is very concise, does not have any fluff and works perfectly.
I think it was a good choice in integrating the programs you can do.
I think it starts off very great. It is very concise, does not have any fluff and works perfectly.
I think it was a good choice in integrating the programs you can do.