Undergraduate / "what to gain from diversity"-UM prompt 2 [3]

Please find any grammatical errors and scrutiny is welcomed.

As I began to write my essay it occurred to me that the college admission screeners would be on the verge of boredom from reading a thousand essays on diversity. The essays would follow the common format of the usual social outcast or overcoming an obstacle due to their race and ethnicity. How could I present myself in a way as to not bore these screeners while at the same time being myself?

Let me be direct: I'm a first generation Nigerian American female that lives in a middle class community. The diversity of my society is very small since the majority of the people fit into one group-middle class, white, and carefree. At the moment, my world lacks the appreciation and understanding for cultures and people beyond the school walls. I wouldn't say diversity is our challenge but it is our blessing. Some of the places I have lived lacked diversity. And no I don't mean race, even though these places haven't been exposed to a great deal of it. What I mean to say is their unwillingness to understand each other and inability to move beyond simple tolerance distorts the view of the rich dimensions of dissimilarities contained within each individual.

Within the past years my appreciation has increased for the many cultures and experiences that make America such a great place. I came to understand that diversity brings a broader view with respect to our country's historic and contemporary role in the world as well as an understanding and appreciation of global cultures and struggles.

I believe that my education at UM will be much more than just a degree but an experience to learn about a different world, a world that I will someday work in and be able to experience a new interconnected globe of opportunities.

Essays / Meaingful interest- UM prompt #5 [3]

I just need help on the grammatical errors and ways to shorten it because it's over the limit.

Describe a significant interest or experience that has special meaning for you.

I glimpsed off into the distance as the world around me seemed to have stopped. What seemed to be a wall appears as I outstretch my nearly exhausted legs. As I approach this unyielding wall, it occurs to me that every step taken in this race was for a reason- to win. All my energy became focused on dismantling this obstacle. So I leaned forward and,"Ouch!" I collided into this wall. I pushed my body to its limits and finally through this wall to win my first indoor track meet.

Track has become a rewarding experience but also full of battles for as long as I've known the sport. Seemingly impermeable walls have also become part of my life. Overcoming them has taught me that these mental barriers can only be overcome by the firm and supportive foundation one's life is based upon. The obstacles that have occurred in my life have allowed me to have a strong hold during a very active and strenuous upbringing.

As a child, I was forced to deal with the constant thought of moving. That was the general formality of a military brat. By the age of twelve, I had already moved about five times and it wasn't getting any easier. The instability of my life gave me an unsure insight towards the path of which to take. Upon entering the seventh grade I yearned to be accepted into a group of some sort. This led me to meet with the girls track coach.

This coach taught me that track was a union of different people who came together for one cause, to learn unity and improve their character. Track was a grounded activity that I used as a driving force to success. Even though I continued to move a few more times before my senior year in high school, it was always guaranteed that track would be there. These experiences have developed me into an optimistic and determined person.

I believe that with my determination I will be able to accomplish my goal of entering college and with my sense of consideration I will help those, who like me, are used to a world of mobility.