Scholarship / Guideline for Motivation Essay writing (graduate admission and scholarship) [3]

A motivation essay is an introspective exercise. "Introspective" means you have to look within yourself... very profound contemplation. Once you focus on your goals and begin to write, it will probably be easy. Intro, main body and conclusion...for your intro, start with an attention grabbing sentence. Write about your chosen field of study, main ideas, background information and why it is important to you. The main body of your essay may include main points, interesting facts, and examples. Your conclusion is going to be a strong summary of what you've written.

Don't use any unnecessary words, stay focused and interesting.
Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Animal testing: it's flat out wrong and cruel to the animals involved? [3]

Hmm, well this is the first thing that stands out to me while reading through; "is well worth the lost lives of a few rats, pigs, and monkeys.'' because then you go on to mention testing on rabbits and dogs. It made the first comment seem callous.

Even just relying on volunteers to...if you change the first two words to something else it would sound better.
This is a great essay so far, and that is a great point you make at the end about eating meat...have you ever seen how inhumanely chickens and cows bred for veal are treated?! Take that ball and run with it, you're doing great!

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Claremont Mckenna-What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC? [5]

The metaphor is great!
This is coming out well, but there's a spelling mistake... like peeling an onion...
Also, there are a few places where you could take away unnecessary words to tighten it up. For example, 'and then under that... ', 'the heart of the reason why I want',...

' He also answered my question about if CMC is only looking for great leaders as possible freshman candidates, and he reassured me the school is looking for leadership potential.' This sentence needs to be checked for clarity. Just read through for little things like these, and it will be easy to fix up.

How about this:
Every time I took a deeper look, I noticed another layer of greatness under the one I was examining.

My top layer was the location, and then under that was the academic rigor that was expected.---->great sentence!

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / US Embassy Internship; Personal Statement [2]

Hello!
This is looking great, but the first thing I thought of while reading it was that if you make your second paragraph the first one, it would make a great attention grabbing opening. Of course, you don't need to do this, just an idea.

I plan to use these degrees and this internship to build a foundation for the study of law.

This hard-hit city has filtered into the surrounding areas; our county is slowly growing more and more unemployed. (This should be checked for clarity.)

This might sound better if you change where it says, 'I would like' the second time to something else, or possibly combine these two sentences into one. I would like the inspiration to do better for myself, my family, and my nation. I would like...

Here is an idea I had:
It is my hope that this internship will provide the tools I need to be successful in my field, prepare me for my law school career, and enhance the motivation and skills I already possess.

It looks like they'll be lucky to have you!