Scholarship / "My life the way i want it" GKS-U Scholarship Personal Statement [6]

If you insist on adding your mom's health,let it appear at the end as a pointer to how you were raised to take risk cause of future uncertainties. I think you lay too much emphasis on ur achievements in Korean language skills. You went over and over it like that's the major criteria in the selection. Pls work on this.

Scholarship / GKS-U PERSONAL STATEMENT - DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION. [4]

I got lost after the first paragraph,there are no correlations at all. I wish the writer can sit and gather his/her thought and write out points he will love to develop in relation to the questions he is trying to answer for this essay.