Posts by dshay07

dshay07

Nov 23, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement #2 - My Dance Experience [3]

That sounds pretty good! I like the intro.

"because my entire mind has always been centered on dancing. "
You should change this too "my motivation has always been centered around dance." "entire mind" sounds kind of strange there.

"to the point where I did not have to force myself to dance - I just naturally moved."
You should rephrase this. Maybe you can say you were able to "finally dance freely" or something along those lines..

I agree with the post above too.
Otherwise, I like it.

dshay07

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / my parents push me to work hard in school - Personal Statements [8]

has absolutely inspired myself to make a difference
change "myself" to "me"

My mother always told my sister and I to be determined by working hard in anything we choose to do in order to have a splendid future ahead of us

You should rephrase this sentence. Try to avoid the word "splendid," I don't think it works very well in this sentence.

Change all of your contractions.. such as "can't" to "can not"

You should work on being more direct in your essay. For example, you may want to take a clearer direction. The first paragraph does not seem too relevent. You should use the first paragraph to talk about your mother and the ethics she has taught you.. maybe mention the influence of your mother as you grew up, and what kind of woman she is.

Just try to be more specific about your life, and definitely keep things relevant. You'll get there!!

dshay07

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Limit is only my imagination [5]

How I developed interest in Biochemistry goes back to when I was in grade 3
You should change this to something like.."My interest in Biochemistry developed when I was in grade 3."

While my parents and doctor refuted my reasonable notion and explained, as simple as they could, the concept of how viruses invade cells and disrupt the normal cell functions, I apparently did not understand any, despite my strenuous effort.

This is a very long sentence. You should consider breaking it up, and rephrase it.

Hence, by studying Molecular Biology and learning how to practice gene therapy, the treatment of pathosis by manipulating genes, I hope to contribute, however small part, to raising our standards of living and prevent people from suffering like I did.

This sentence is also very long. Same thing, break it up into two.

Or, possibly these viruses didn't affect my brain...
Try to avoid contractions such as "didn't." Change to "did not."

Otherwise, I think it's pretty good. You definitely have some good words there. Just keep reading it and think about rephrasing some of those long sentences. Try to keep it clear and concise.

dshay07

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / our planet, UC essay 1 for transfer students [2]

UC Prompt #1 (Transfer Students):
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

My Essay:

At a young age, I knew there was something about our planet that was special. From experiencing a 6.7-magnitude quake, to seeing stunning views of Mount Rainier, I have realized that studying geology will be of great interest to me. The subject has inspired me to make changes to the world and how we live in it.

After only three and a half years of my life, I experienced my first tremble in the 1994 Northridge Earthquake. My family was living in a small townhouse bordering the Los Angeles River in Reseda, California. Considering that we were only a few miles from the epicenter, I remember a massive shake. I can recall the fear on my parents' faces as they rushed to rescue me from my bed. But what I remember most of all, is the frightening damage that was caused. As I looked just across the L.A. River from my house, I could see that a large apartment complex was completely destroyed. Several buildings were flattened, complete walls had vanished, and there were only crumbles left of the apartments that were once whole. This view frightened me, especially at such a young age. However, even now when I look at photographs of that day, which was more than fifteen years ago, the fear comes back to me.

Despite my fear, this incident changed the way I look at my life on earth. I understand the seriousness that is involved when the earth moves, but what fascinates me is its unpredictability. What is going on deep inside the earth when an earthquake strikes? How can we protect ourselves and the structures we have built? I want to be able to answer these questions and use my knowledge in real-life situations. I can learn to protect myself and others from the destruction that I saw on the day of the Northridge Earthquake.

During high school, I was lucky enough to travel to Seattle, Washington where I witnessed something unforgettable. There are many exciting attractions in this city, but the most captivating is the view of Mount Rainier. This vast stratovolcano was a sight I could not look away from. It made me wonder how a structure of this enormous size could form on earth. This was another moment that encouraged me to study how and why the earth forms such fascinating structures.

I started to inquire about my curiosity in high school. In a competitive student club called Envirothon, I learned about soil horizons, the several different cycles within our planet, as well as many important current events. This club pushed me to learn and apply my knowledge to the outdoors. My proudest achievement of being part of this student organization was improving the environment. Perhaps I cannot change the world in one day, but the experience definitely inspired me to make a difference in my community.

In addition to enjoying my community, I work hard to keep it clean. Heal the Bay often holds creek restoration projects at Malibu Creek State Park. In the past, I have joined these projects to aid in preserving the sanctuary that I often enjoy. These projects involve planting native species and removing unnecessary and harmful waste from the creek area and park. I have also been involved with projects in The Sepulveda Basin Wildlife Reserve and the city of Reseda which were aimed at cleaning up the environment.

Volunteering my time and effort to the environment has taught me the importance of a clean planet. I am distraught as to why there is waste in such beautiful places in the first place. I have learned that if we want to enjoy the benefits that earth has to offer, we must make an effort to learn about it and protect it. For this reason, I am inspired to study geology. I know that this field will allow me to utilize my abilities and make the world a cleaner and safer place for future generations.