Undergraduate / My experience as an assistant coach - UC Prompt #2: My college app. essay [2]

So the prompt is "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

So far this is what I have (be brutally honest! Correct any mistakes you find. Thanks in advance!):

"It was a Wednesday evening and fifteen boys and girls were running and skipping in a circle on brightly colored mats. Music was blaring from a stereo set on some near by bleachers: "animal action, it's so much fun! Animal action... move like a lion!" and suddenly everyone was crawling on the ground roaring like lions. And I was right beside them roaring too. These kids were not at school or day care but at a tumbling class that I had the opportunity to co-teach when I was only twelve years old.

I came upon this opportunity when my gymnastics coach set up a tumbling class for kids age's three to seven; my sister signed up immediately.

I went with my sister to her first practice and she was more nervous than I had ever seen her, so the coach, whom I had known for three years, invited me to join in to make her more comfortable. The practice was high energy and non-stop movement and I spent the practice teaching the kids how to do cartwheels and playing games like "Animal Action."

I began going to all of the practices with my sister and helping out in anyway that I could. I was surprised how comfortable I was around so many kids and I always looked forward to the once weekly classes.

After a few weeks the coach expressed to me how pleased she was with the way practices had been going and she invited me to join on as a permanent assistant coach. As assistant coach I helped supervise the kids and was often used to demonstrate different tricks and routines.

One of the proudest moments of my time as a coach was when I taught one of my students how to do a walkover. She was seven years old and I had watched her development as a gymnast for two years. Seeing the confidence and pride she took in herself after she finally accomplished a walk over on her own made the experience, not only an accomplishment for her but one for me as well.

I am no longer a gymnasts or an assistant coach and the class has thus far ended, but I still keep in touch with the head coach. I have also recently learned that the girl I taught a walk over to is using the skills she learned so many years ago as a competitive cheerleader.

For two years I was assistant coach and during those two years I grew as a person in many ways. I learned a lot about what it took to be a coach and how being a coach didn't mean giving orders, but giving kids a role model and something to aspire to. I also learned leadership skills that I still use today in many aspects of my life."

Undergraduate / "It was like living in a mini zoo" - UC Prompt #1: My college app. essay [3]

This is my essay for UCSD and the prompt is "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Please be brutally honest and point out all the flaws! Thanks in advance!!

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"Growing up in my house was like living in a mini zoo of domestic animals. I can't remember a time when the animals in my house didn't outnumber the people two to one.

Being raised in an environment so fraught with various animals instilled a passion in me at a very young age and by the time I was four years old I was determined to become a veterinarian.

From the time that I was ten years old until I was thirteen I struggled to find ways to gain experience outside of my own home. Shelters and animals groomers constantly turned me down because of my age and liability issues, but I didn't want to give up.

When I was eleven years old my neighbor made me an offer I couldn't refuse: an opportunity to care for her nine-year-old cat, while she was away on various trips throughout the year.

During my time working for my neighbor, one cat became two and before I knew it I was helping her raise seven kittens; I attended veterinary visits as well and eventually helped her find qualified homes for six of the seven kittens.

Despite the time and effort I put into trying to gain experience, something in me had changed; I still loved animals but was drifting away from the idea of being a veterinarian and by my freshman year in high school my passion had been reignited thanks to an AP biology class that I was taking. This class opened me up to a whole new world of animal life: marine life. I was enthralled in the idea of studying the mysteries of the ocean and couldn't believe there was so much of the ocean that remained undiscovered.

Studying marine life fascinated me and I was filled with nostalgia of childhood dreams of being a mermaid.

I officially decided to be a marine biologist half way through my freshman year, after finally deciding it was okay to let go of my old ambitions, and began looking for ways to put my plans into action. At age sixteen I began volunteering at an aquarium thirty miles from home and learned more than I thought imaginable. I found love in brightly colored fish and am constantly amazed by how different marine life is from cats and dogs.

My ambitions in life have always centered on one main goal. And although the path I'm on has taken a few turns along the way, I've never veered from that first goal of helping animals in any way that I can.

I can't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't grown up with so many animals, they have shaped me in many ways and I would be lost without them."