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Posts by vzhao724
Joined: Nov 30, 2009
Last Post: Dec 1, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  


Displayed posts: 4
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vzhao724   
Dec 1, 2009
Undergraduate / UW Diversity Short Essay - My Alias [2]

Overall, this essay is pretty well thought out. There are some minor changes you can make in order to make the story flow better though:

"I don't really know how to pronounce your name. I'll just call you Nikki". This newfound name marked the beginning of my exposure to cultural differences at merely the age of five.

Also, your next sentence: As any official record shows, my real name is Hyewon No, purely derived from the Korean language meaning "first in wisdom". -- I find the part about "first in wisdom" a bit irrelevant and sidetracks from the purpose of your essay..possibly exclude it? You could say something like, As any official record shows, I am Hyewon No - a name derived purely from the Korean language.

The transition between the first and second paragraphs could be a little smoother:
however, I am one of the lucky few to have been welcomed into a culturally rich American home where I had the opportunity to experience the American culture first-hand.

This was made possible through my friendship with Ciera Rose Catlin , an all-American girl with an all-American attitude.

I am grateful to both my families who constantly shed new light on various topics of the world. Through my experiences in each household, I have come to realize that it is possible to interweave the two very different cultures into one.

I liked the comparison between your life at your own home and life at your friend's place.
Nicely done, I hope my tips were helpful!
Good luck :)
vzhao724   
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "inclined towards music", Common App-elaborate on an activity in 150 words [3]

Wow, that was a very good short essay. I felt that you used the importance of music to you well through combining various benefits that you have gained through music.

However, I felt that (especially towards the end), you are more stating than elaborating. It seems a bit choppy..possibly have more variety in the sentence structure.

Overall though, it is great :)

Good luck!
vzhao724   
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / 'My amiable characteristic' - BU Supplement: Three words to describe you [6]

Hey everyone! This is my draft for my BU supplement. I've already revised it a couple of times, and hope that you guys can help :)

Supplement: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Having lived in China for the past five years, I can strongly assert that I am very culturally diverse. Since my move, I have integrated the Chinese culture into my own and have adopted many of the customs and values of the community around me. Since Boston University is a very diverse school, containing students from over 100 countries in the world, I feel that attending such a school will allow me to embrace my culture to another level, as well as share my differing cultural values. Boston's cultural landscape also creates the exemplary university setting that I wish to be a part of. The countless museums in both Boston and Cambridge, the Freedom and Black Heritage Trails, and the lively artistic and musical communities makes the university placed in such a historical and culturally distinct community. I feel that having endured through a cultural displacement and shock, and experienced cultural differences that I have now come to appreciate and integrate into my own life, attending such a diversified university will be both natural and comforting for me.

My amiable characteristic allows me to interact with people of different backgrounds with ease. I feel that having good interpersonal skills is one of the fundamental aspects of developing good relationships with others. I believe that this quality is influenced by my open-mindedness and willingness to accept differences among people that stems from having lived in a foreign country these past years. Thus, I am able to listen and acknowledge others' opinions and ideas. This quality will help me greatly in the university as it will build strong relationships with professors and other students, something that is greatly needed as the school consists of a large student population of around 16,000. In addition, in a small, busy city that provides many exciting possibilities, my distinct interpersonal skills will be advantageous in ways such as being able to reach out and interact with the community, acquire various job and internship opportunities, and be involved in other gregarious activities.

Lastly, I believe that I have a helpful personality. For the past four years, I have been an active member of our school's Habitat for Humanity service organization. I have been on two HFH trips to southern China where I was able to interact and help the local community around me. Similarly, BU offers many community service projects and programs such as the Alternative Spring Break program where students can get involved in making a difference in people's lives. I feel like I have the desirable traits to do so and am ready to attend such a university where I can continue to contribute to the society.

Word count: 443

Thanks in advance!
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