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"inclined towards music", Common App-elaborate on an activity in 150 words


reina92 5 / 6  
Nov 30, 2009   #1
Coming from a family of musicians, I have always been naturally inclined towards music. When I picked up the bass guitar for the first time, it felt like a puzzle was coming together within me. From then on, my church's youth group band has been a wonderful weekly experience that I cherish to this day. Through the years, my passion for music has grown considerably and I now delve into five other instruments, always looking for better outlets to express myself with. I have done many concerts in other countries and have been culturally enriched by the people I have been privileged to perform before. It always touches my heart to see my playing strike passion within people, captivating myself in exchange. My long devotion to my band has taught me the importance of effort, always presenting my best, and the vision to carry a piece to its beautiful end.

vzhao724 1 / 3  
Nov 30, 2009   #2
Wow, that was a very good short essay. I felt that you used the importance of music to you well through combining various benefits that you have gained through music.

However, I felt that (especially towards the end), you are more stating than elaborating. It seems a bit choppy..possibly have more variety in the sentence structure.

Overall though, it is great :)

Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 1, 2009   #3
From then on, my church's youth group band has been a wonderful weekly experience that I cherish to this day . "to this day" was redundant, because you already said "from then on."

Through the years, my passion for music has grown considerably and I now delve into five other instruments, always looking for better outlets via which to express myself with .

:-)

Nice, you are a real musician! Keep it up.


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