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Posts by SouthernBella
Joined: Dec 11, 2009
Last Post: Dec 13, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  

From: united states

Displayed posts: 6
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SouthernBella   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for UT: "neighbor" named Nora; who has made an impact on your life [2]

Hello Lindsey,

This is heart touching story that shows how mature, strong, and brave you are. I believe it is on point and well written. There are few corrections:

take out the very before vividly- using the word vividly already conveys that you remember extremely clearly, very is not necessary.

Add hospital after M.D. Anderson, just for clarity.

This sentence is too long (run on??) and can be worded somewhat better: I was coming back from my nightly walk around the G-9 inpatient unit of M.D. Anderson. I was almost back to my room, where I had been living for nearly a month, when I noticed that the room next to me was now occupied.

Maybe try something like: I dreaded when it came time to perform my required walk around the G-9 inpatient unit of M.D. Anderson hospital. Excited to be returning to my room, although it had been my home for nearly a month, I noted that the room next to mine was now occupied.

You can come up with something better- I just wanted you to see what I meant about shifting it around.

comma after two years old.

I wouldn't put neighbor in quotes.

you will never forgot a lasting impression- reword or cut 'never forget'

Get rid of all of your contractions- couldn't, didn't, etc. unless they are a quote from Nora.

It was from that moment that I began to make every single moment count.I wanted to live my life as a memorial to every single child that had fought cancer so bravely for so long , but in the end lost their battle with cancer.

I know what a luxury life is now thanks to them Nora. I was suddenly so thankful, even for the privilege to have my intense for my chemotherapy treatments, something I typically would dread. She Nora has completely changed my outlook on life, for the better. I was once bitter that I had Lymphoma, but am now thankful to have had it aswithout it I would have never metcancer allowed me the opportunity to meet Nora. Knowing that I have battled this disease as bravely as Nora I can now be truly happy with myself and my life.

Never will I take advantage of life again. -I'm not sure you mean this. I think you mean that you will do you best to take advantage of life.

I am now on a mission to live my life to the fullest, inspire all of those around me with my enthusiasm for life , and to appreciate every moment just as it is.

So I know it seems like a lot of corrections, but I tried to be picky as this is an admissions essay. I hope this helps!

On a side note: My mom as non-hodgkins lymphoma, so I have witnessed what you have endured, and truely respect you not only because you have bravely battled this disease, but also because you are still positive and excited about life.

Good luck!

Toni
SouthernBella   
Dec 11, 2009
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Grad School in Anthropology; 'Martin Luther King, Jr' [6]

Thank you all for the tips, I will work on this and repost once it's updated for final corrections. I really do appreciate the time you guys took to review this for me.

Also, sorry about the multiple posts! This was my first post and only after I posted it did I realize that it was in the wrong place- that is why I reposted it under the correct title. Sorry newbie mistake!
SouthernBella   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Air Force Academy 500 word essay - ethical dilemma [3]

Okay dude, you have done a fine job for a rough draft- it just needs some polishing. You have answered the question, and you are showing, not telling, who you are. Also I think that they way you presented it shows that you are mature and responsible.

Please do not be offended by my editing- I tend to go a little crazy and really I'm not super good at correcting papers. These are just a few small things that I think make it better with the goal being to convey you as a mature, responsible person who sticks to what they believe in.

Here are my corrections: what I added is in red

Alcohol is an almost unavoidable substance in the present day high school setting.

Is is unavoidable- i'm sure you have been places where alcohol was. Also I think this is a better statement in that it makes you seem like a very strong person that sticks to what you believe in.

It was during my junior year of high school that I began to be left out of almost all of my close friend's weekend activities due to their awareness of my disapproval of underage alcohol consumption. The genesis of our friendship was freshman year when we met as members of the high school soccer team; all five of us becoming newly acquainted with each other. The two years after freshman soccerTry instead: We became inseparable friends and spent every weekend with each other. We also participated in various club activities together. we all became very close, spending weekends at each other's houses, and weekdays partaking in various club activities.

Our friendship was {obsolete} word usage is wrong here. Try 'we were inseparable' or something similar. until the last few weeks of the summer between sophomore and junior year. At this time one of my closest friends began experimenting with alcohol. His new girlfriend insisted he start "living life on the edge."seeing as he will soon be considered an upperclassman,I was disappointed when he decided to listen to her and began partying, smoking, and having sex instead of spending his weekends with his close friends.so he did so . As a result, instead of spending his weekends with his close friends, he went out partying, smoking, and having sex. This lifestyle attracted my other three close friends, leaving me isolated. They were all aware of my disapproval of their activities, yet they attempted to influence me to ruin my body by consuming alcohol at a delicateunder age. They said it was "so much fun, " and "not that big of deal, ",(I don't know if I would use quotes here?) . I attempted to influence them by showing them research on the effects of underage drinking. I could not, however convince them that their activities were not only detrimental to their health, but also illegal.in the end it was me influencing them that it was a big deal, showing them fact sheets about alcohol that prove that what they were doing was not at all worthwhile.Not only were their actions illegal, but they went against everything that I believe in. I did everything I could to influence them not to drink, but to no avail were my actions. Inevitably maybe using 'eventually' is better , I dissociated myself with them, explicitly ending the close friendship that started freshman year.

Although dissociationending my friendship with them was not the resolution I desired, I decided that[font] it was in my best interest. I comforted myself by knowing that if they were easily able to choosechose alcohol over me, I must not have been very important to them as I thought I was. I do believe, however, that I handled the situation appropriately, and that it was right for me to chose:spelling my personal health over my desire to keep my close friends. As my former friends tried something new, so did I. I began running, eventually discovering that it is something that I love to do. Instead of continuing my high school soccer career, I joined the high schoolThis was redundant cross country team,.a decision that I am very glad I made.Looking back I am glad that I focused my attention on cross country as not only did running every day allow me to clear my head and focus on the future instead of the past, it allowed me to make new friends. In addition, I am content to know that if something similar were to happen in the future maybe try, "I would not only trust my instincts, but would also be able to deal with the issue in the same reasonable manner that I have in the past. I would trust my instincts and deal with the issue in a reasonable matter, as I believe I did in the past. While I hope to not be put in a similar situation in the future, I know that I have what it takes to stick up for what I believe in, no matter what the cost.I hope to not put myself in the same situation in the future, but if the situation did erupt, I would act in a manner that reflects my beliefs.
SouthernBella   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend NYU Abu Dhabi? essay [6]

What you have so far is pretty good. If you want to add answering: What will you be studying at the portal campus? What past experiences have equiped you/lead you to take on that field of study? I know it has to be short, but I thought that maybe saying what you want to study and why, would be a good addition to what you already have. Good luck!
SouthernBella   
Dec 11, 2009
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Grad School in Anthropology; 'Martin Luther King, Jr' [6]

Hello all,

I am applying to grad school in anthropology. I am, of course, having trouble with the statement of purpose. I am writing a statment of purpose that I can edit to fit the requirements of all the schools I'm applying to and this is the first rought draft. Any help would be appreciated.

Here is the assignment:
How has your educational experience in anthropology and other fields prepared you for this program?
How does your previous work experience relate to this application?
What professor would you like to work with?

Thanks!

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge..." This statement holds especially true for me as I have faced several challenges in my life. Each difficulty one has taught me that I am a strong, intelligent and determined individual.

Perhaps the most difficult challenge I have confronted was when my mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer. As it was only my mother and I at home it was up to me to care for her while she underwent surgical procedures and innumerable chemotherapy treatments. While this was a difficult time in my life, the challenge of battling cancer with my mother taught me not only who I am, but also that there are no limits as to what I can accomplish in my life.

My first semesters at the University of Tennessee where especially challenging for me as while attending undergraduate courses I worked two part time jobs in order to fund my education. I quickly recognized that my position at a local hospital was a great learning experience, and decided to take it upon myself to use my spare time to shadow physicians in order to gain more in-depth knowledge of medical pathologies and treatment plans. In addition, I was a regular volunteer at a local elementary school, and I aided a local high school for delinquent children raise money for an annual school sponsored trip to Germany. While my busy schedule was at first challenging to manage, I learned to use my time efficiently. Working fulltime did not prevent me from successfully completing my undergraduate education having not only majored in anthropology, but also having studied abroad twice, and having learned the Italian language fluently. Overall, the challenges I faced while attending the University of Tennessee not only added to my education, but also enriched my life.

I was provided with a clear sense of the enrichment and liberation that my studies of anthropology have brought to my own life experience when I studied abroad. It was not until I was in the throes of my year in Italy that I understood that I had studied abroad for more than adventure; for me it was an opportunity to obtain the kind of knowledge that that comes only from experience. Through my life experiences and my education in anthropology I have gained a deeper appreciation for mankind. I have learned that anthropologists can make a real difference in the world which is why I am now looking to further my education in anthropology. I have had a few years to consider my options for my future and I am certain that academia is where I will be most fulfilled. I am now able to take the opportunity to pursue my goal of becoming a professor in Anthropology. I intend to combine my knowledge in anthropology and medicine in order to study medical anthropology in graduate school. While I am predominantly interested in and traditional healing practices and prescription drug abuse I am also looking forward to exploring other topics.

As I aim to develop a master's level expertise in cultural and medical anthropology, I am seeking to complete a graduate program that emphasizes my strengths and interests. I believe University X would be great place to combine both my professional and personal experience into fruitful academic research. The program has an excellent....

Furthermore, it is my objective to develop expert level research and writing skills during my master's program, so that I am well prepared to transition into doctoral level research in medical anthropology. I am confident that my professional experience as a technical clinician in medicine and my life experience will serve well to inform the scope and depth of my master's level research as well as guide my interactions and mentoring relationships with my professors.

Given my research and self development objectives for my master's studies in anthropology, I am decidedly looking to build and establish strong academic mentoring relationships with my professors. While I look forward to developing solid working relationships with many professors in the anthropology department at UCLA, I am particularly interested in being challenged by the expertise and insights of Dr. X will be paramount to the development of my research. Dr. X's knowledge of women's studies combined with his/her experience in XXXX would be a great asset for me to inform my research projects in medical anthropology. Our consultations and cooperation regarding her/his expertise in XXXX would clearly facilitate my research and self-development goals.

Thank you for your time and attention to my application for master's studies of anthropology at the University of XXXXX. I appreciate your generous and kind consideration of my application, and I look forward to being in touch with you soon.
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