Posts by rzj123

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

Hahah my bad srandhawa! First off, I really do think this essay was an improvement. The first two paragraphs in particular are where I think you really cleaned it up. With the ending, I feel like I get a vague idea of what you are saying, but when I read in depth, I can't particularly spell out for myself what each individual sentence is trying to convey. And yes, I definitely like your idea and where I think you wanted to go with this essay. I think the experience in itself is attention grabbing (working in a lab doing that kind of high-level work), and I think your chosen theme that is more than "look I accomplished this" and shows self-improvement is good. I do think you need to ease up on the abstraction and just spell it out more, and I think that's the only real fault. Also, try not to repeat yourself too much. Repetition of an idea is good for emphasis, but you say the same thing several different ways a lot. This will also help get your word count down I think. Write more like you did in your first two paragraphs. I liked those.

Also, it's the last post in my thread. It's just a revision of my final paragraph. TY :)

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / UPenn: Acadamic Communities [5]

I actually liked the first paragraph. I think it really shows that you have done your research, which further demonstrates that you are invested in this school. I feel like that will go a long way in an essay like this.

I think the only line that really fell flat in my eyes was "I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world." It feels very disconnected from the rest of the paper, which is very factual and specific. Cliches are fine I think, but I just don't like how that sentence fit into the paper. Personally I think this essay sounds better without the first two sentences of the final paragraph.

BTW, if you could look at my rewrite, that would be great :)

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / "Oh... sometimes things happen." Something that didn't go as planned - MIT essay [8]

Thank you srandhawa and TimMill!

srandhawa - What I was attempting was to convey that he died in that line and the next few. Is there anything I should specify that would make this clearer?

TimMill - Revised final paragraph below:

The next summer I found myself working with mentally handicapped children at a local recreation center, where I felt like I was making a tangible difference. Because in the end, I believe there's material success and then there's what you've really done in life. And that's what Brian taught me.

Sorry kind of lame, but is this any better? I'm literally at the 250 word limit right now.

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

I didn't get a chance to go through your entire essay in detail, but this is better for sure. What I meant about having more cohesive transitions is (and this may just be me), but I feel as if every paragraph takes upon a different perspective/tone. For example: first -> second paragraph : everything is dandy -> wait no it's not. I realize you are trying to show progression of thought, but I feel like it can be better tied together. Here's what I was able to go through in detail (of course entirely my own opinion; edit as you feel best represents your style and purpose):

repetitive / stuff that didn't make sense striked out
awkward phrasing in red
my own words in bold

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / "Oh... sometimes things happen." Something that didn't go as planned - MIT essay [8]

Thanks iRunShow. Yeah, the last line was kind of a filler because I wasn't sure what to write at 1 am in the morning. I'm still kind of mulling over what to put there, to tie this thing together.

Mm, he died. Was that not made clear enough in the essay, you think?

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

I like this essay. It's very unique, and I think that will make an impression. I don't think you have to drop your light metaphor / the philosophical stuff entirely, just don't let it overpower your essay so much that the reader has to sift through it.

Transitions, I don't quite like them. It makes your essay very choppy, and it seems mechanical. If you could transition the paragraphs better, I think it would make the essay a lot more cohesive.

Rhetorical questions? I'm not a fan, but that may just be a personal preference. One or two is fine, but I feel like they become empty if you use them in succession like that. Why ask when you can just tell, you know?

But I think Monkey66 hit the nail on the head.

Don't get me wrong. Good idea, I like where I think you wanted to go with the essay, but make it more succinct and more to the point and I think you'll have a winner.

If you could take a look at mine that would be great :)

rzj123

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / "My Reasons for DUKE and Engineering" - Duke Supplement [6]

I like this. It's succinct but it makes its pt. Two things:

Maybe its a personal preference, but I didn't like the listing one, two, and the very mechanical use of "for instance" and "furthermore." Nothing wrong with it per say, but it sounds very, idk how to put it, lk your reading a research abstract.

"And for this reason, Duke is one of my top choices." I feel like this falls a little flat. Maybe because you admit its only "one" of your top choices.

But great job overall.

rzj123

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / "Oh... sometimes things happen." Something that didn't go as planned - MIT essay [8]

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

The summer after freshman year I met Susan, her frenched nails, her religious addiction to Starbucks, and that horribly ironic nonchalance in her voice. Three days a week we sat behind the receptionist's desk adjacent to one of Children's Medical Center's recreation areas. It was there that I then met Brian, who carried his red ball on Mondays, his Lego set on Thursdays, and his perplexing optimism always.

The thing about Brian is that I don't think I mattered half as much to him as he did to me. He was one of those storybook children, with the baby blues and dimpled cheeks, and when he lisped his 'fank yew's, you couldn't help but to smile and smile.

It ended one day. A "Where's Brian?" offhandedly to Susan.

"Oh... sometimes things happen."

I blinked.

She sipped her latte.

The world spun on.

---

When I think about my summer at Children's, I think of Brian and a million others who vanish off the face of the earth because 'oh things happen'. I think of life, my life, my goals, my experiences, and I think of Brian and where he could have gone.

I didn't go back the next summer. Not because I lacked courage or will but because I felt as if there was so much more I could be doing to make a tangible difference. In the end, I don't think Brian taught me to live, but he might have just about taught me to live in the moment.

Be harsh, please. If you read mine, link yours, and I will gladly critique as well.