I am not sure if the WHY Duke part is enough, I tried to approach it in a different way.
Be harsh if necessary.
And Thank you for your help.
If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.
From Lego pieces to remote-control cars to iPods and computers, I grew up surrounded by technology. As a boy, I was fascinated by gadgets and gizmos. As a teenager, I still have an affinity with that childhood penchant. Of course, my curiosity in how-things-work is just a fraction of my interest in engineering. Being the critical thinker that I am, I have spent time speculating the affects of technology and the growth of it. I notice the social impact each innovation has; I am, truly, fascinated to see people use their cell phones as credit cards or boarding passes -internet is a thing of the past! I am amazed by how each innovation can have a significant impact on the world. I wish to contribute to the movement of technology and the development of humankind. Basically, my drive for engineering comes from two sources, my inherent inclination to create innovations and my passion to improve living standards - through the creation of gadgets and gizmos - and make them more accessible to the rest of the world.
Besides the world acclaimed engineering programs and vast research opportunities at Duke, there is something special about Duke that draws my interest. It is the fact that Duke is, considerably, a much younger school compared to other well-known universities; there is so much room for growth. The students and faculty members at Duke recognize this and collaborate in order to make the best of Duke. In doing so, they create a communal sense that builds a strong community. For instance, different schools at Duke interact with each other to reach a common goal - unlike many great universities where different schools remain separate. In this sense, the community is exuberant. Duke is filled with life.
So it is no surprise that Pratt has over twenty-five student organizations. I was most intrigued by one club, Formula SAE Duke Motorsports - a group comprised of undergraduate students and graduate students. Duke Motorsports not only shares a common objective of excelling in the FSAE competitions but also has a common interest in participating public activities such as the Duke-Durham School Days program and the K-12 Engineering Outreach Initiative. Groups like the FSAE Duke Motorsports contribute back to Duke and are, in turn, what connects students at Duke with the community. I want to join this group to exercise my interests in engineering and engage in community activities that, collectively, bring Duke together. I will continue to grow, as a person, alongside Duke and I want to contribute to that growth. Together with other students at Duke, we will define new status quos, create new futures, and grow to discover who we are. There are many schools with world acclaimed engineering programs and there are several schools in which a community sense is present. But few institutions are able to achieve both at the same time: Duke does. And for this reason, Duke is my top choice.
Well isn't it a thing of the past and not pass but otherwise....i like it it is very well done
Yes, it is "past". I can't believe I didnt see that.
Thank you for point that out =)
I like this. It's succinct but it makes its pt. Two things:
Maybe its a personal preference, but I didn't like the listing one, two, and the very mechanical use of "for instance" and "furthermore." Nothing wrong with it per say, but it sounds very, idk how to put it, lk your reading a research abstract.
"And for this reason, Duke is one of my top choices." I feel like this falls a little flat. Maybe because you admit its only "one" of your top choices.
But great job overall.
your sentinments about duke seem rathar empty, nothing specific, in general its always better to avoid phrases like "The Pratt school will give me knowledge that will, one day allow me to give back to society". I know its hard to do this, and its impossible to avoid some of this to an extent when try to write positive things about the school, but these things don't really enhance your essay, just too clique esque.
The other thing is your theme on buildign things. Without being an adcom and looking at your application and accomplishments, i cant tell if this is a sincere sentiment and you have legitamately tried to big things up and speculate on the affect of technology or if your more just saying that and theres no direct proof of that on your resume or teacher recs. So its hard for me to say what, but if you do have significant awards/accomplishments with regard to technology, i would list one here. Also, i know this is my intepretation, but i would leave out the quote "during lunch breaks, i ask my teachers to set up challenging labs for me." Just seems a little controversial, maybe im taking it a little out of context, but it just came across as unecessary and an artificial way to come across as curious, if you really do this, let your teachers write about in their rec letters, it doesn't really mean anything when you mention it.
All in all though, if you can target the school more here and what specifically about duke engineering you like, i think you'll be in good shape, could you take a look at mine if you get a chance once i post my edited essay later today, thanks alot
btw: i applied ED to Duke, didn't get in so thats why im wriitng all my other essays:) but good luck, they do things a little diff. in the admission process so hopefully it works out for you, Duke really is a great, great place.
Thank you rzj123 and srandhawa.
I will try to make it less mechanical and add more to Duke.
Both your comments were very useful thank-you.
And i'll gladly give feed back on your essay too, can you give me the link srandhawa?