Undergraduate / NYU movie and poem and Lehigh community and equity [4]

I have no clue on 1, I'm kind of a dummy and had to look up "equity"! It sounds good and convincing, though, I like it.

Regarding the poems, though, I'd go for the second. The first sounds deeper and stylistically refined, I think, but it also seems somewhat ambiguous. I can't get much of an image of who you are from it. Even if the second doesn't sound as composed, it progresses more easily and shows more determination, potential, complexity--all of which are characteristics I assume you'd want shown.

Of course it could just be a question of preference--I don't like deep poems. :o

and three:

" " is a suspense/drama of the life of Elizabeth Mohammed, renowned scientist. After graduating from NYU, she leads a happy life, marrying her lovely husband and working for a large research company; change to another comma, I think, and/or add an "and" working on a cure for debilitating diseases. One day while taking photographs for a charity auction, she captures captures as in sees him or assaults him? I know what you mean, but the word choice could be improved a man dumping a large trash bag into the river. Knowing something is not right, Elizabeth heads home as the suspecting man glares at her. The next day she finds her lab trashed- all traces of her research in ruin, her camera gone if word count is a big issue than ignore this, but the effect could be greater with one more point--say, equipment destroyed, something like that . Can she find the killer wait, who got killed? D: and start from scratch to rebuild her life's work and find a cure?

overall it's an interesting plot and shows potential and suspense! I guess just be careful of multiple meanings and plot holes. The impact could be improved on but again, if word count is an issue I wouldn't fuss over it much.

Hope that helps? also, thanks for commenting on mine. c:

Undergraduate / Alive, Surprising and Curious, Boston University- 3 words [7]

I was skeptical of your 3-word choice at first ("alive" seemed redundant even though I knew what you meant), but you backed them up really well and with great conviction. Great examples too, the a-day-in-the-life approach is fun to read and insightful into one's character.

I think everyone's pretty much addressed the word count and casual tone already. "Tefilah" would confuse people who don't know much about Judaism, though, if you can elaborate a bit without using valuable word space, that could be helpful.

Overall, I like it lots, it has an energy and vigor that I think colleges look for. C:

thanks again for commenting on my essay~

Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]

okay, thanks much! I'll be checking out your essays and revise meanwhile (oops, it was "going to take ". xD;)


ahh, I was worried about that. Would it be better to go for honesty or prudence? I'm not sure how I could maneuver around them and keep the same effect. @_@