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Posts by kyledb17
Joined: Jan 2, 2010
Last Post: Jan 31, 2010
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kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / 'My mother is an economist - manager'; Motivation leter for Aarhus university of Denmark [3]

These are the corrections I would make. They just help the essay flow a bit more. Hope it helps!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to express my interest in applying for a International Management programeAre you going for a British or American spelling here? British would be programme while American would be program. in Aarhus University of Denmark. I think that I am an appropriate candidate for many reasons.

First of all , Denmark seems to me a perfect place where I can see my futureto be a perfect place to spend my future . I decided to study abroad because I think that yourthe country can give me a lot of useful knowledge and opportunities. Secondly, management is the best profession where I could realize myselfThis idiomatic expression doesn't quite work in English. You may want to try "Realize my greatest potential" or something of this sort, although it does distort the meaning. Also, make sure that if you choose the British spelling above that you are consistent and instead use "realise." because I have propertiesattributes that can be successfully used in your university. (The beginning and ending of this sentence don't seem to correlate.) In order to thatWhat does "that" refer to? , I need the best education possible and I think Aarhus can provide it to me. I want to live in an international environment, comparing myself withand expose myself to people from different countries and cultures . I love traveling because it gives me opportunities to meet new people and develop my communication skills.

My mother is an economist -/ manager, she is working in various companieswho has worked with various companies . From a very early age I washave been interested in her work,and have always tried to help her. This interest has remained until nowpersisted throughout the years . In terms of my personality, I must ds ay that I am of the firm commitmentfirmly commited,I love organizeand organized . I love to help others, regardless of whether, it is daily work or just a warm conversations. At school I participated actively journalism, five years I played fluteplayed the flute for five years , Iand danced and acted,theseThese activities taught me the value of teamwork, communication, fearDo you mean freedom? to express my opinion and take a criticism. I am responsible, practical, and do not get tired of taking care of everyday problems. In my free time I like to travel, visit night clubs, or just read a good book. According to the others I am cheerful and good heart person. I love challenges, it makes person stronger and more confident. From life I want to get as much as I can. I never give up, I believe, desire and I am seeking for theseek a better future.

I hope that you are interested in my candidacyapplication . I look forward to see my dream come true by becoming a student of your universityHopefully my dream will come true and I will be a student at your university .
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "My singaporian friend" - University of Michigan. Need to make changes [4]

I think the whole essay reads too informally. I wouldn't capitalize "Wow" and would expand on short sentences (or do away with completely) like "He was very smart."

The sentence structures in the middle also need to be varied a bit more. They all begin with "It was nice," "It was very nice," and "I found it nice."

Your topic of diversity is a good one, as is your personal example. I would rewrite it, though, trying to make the message a bit more clear. When you're writing, just keep in mind your purpose. I hadn't experienced diversity. Devin came. I was fascinated by his differing beliefs. Now I appreciate diversity. Don't mention unnecessary points (like how your school has become more diverse, unless of course you mention that you like it better now).
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Research Papers / Research paper on "Passing" by Nella Larsen [3]

To tackle this complicated prompt, I would begin first by tackling each question individually. Take some time to prewrite and answer each. Then, think of some themes the novel presents and choose one that you think could be supported by each of the answers you have given. From there, I would develop a thesis that addresses that theme and use the answers to the questions as evidence to support your theis.

I've not read the novel, but from what I have experienced I believe these questions merely act as means of sparking thought. Don't think of them as points you must address in the essay but rather as points that will provoke thought and help you write.
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "to obtain a degree in engineering" - my City College (CUNY) supplement [4]

I think it would be more powerful to begin with your second sentence rather than the one you have now which restates the question. Also, I was a bit confused by your third sentence. How did messing up your computer help you learn from it? You say you learned from mistakes, but from the sentence before it seems as though you did things on purpose.

The "friends and family" sentence seems to run on a bit too much. I would get rid of the "that's" too.

The "I would never stop learning" line seems random though I know what you are getting at, so I might try changing that to connect with the essay a bit more.

"My fervor" sounds strange. I would say "My passion for computers" instead.

Hope this helps!!
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / becoming a thriving businessman - Emory Supplement Short Answer [9]

I think this is definitely well-written, but I would be wary mentioning rank as a deciding factor for your application. I'm not sure what others may think about this, but to me I feel as though an admissions officer would prefer something a bit more substantial.

If you agree, then I would suggest switching the discussion of rank to a discussion of diversity. Overall, I think this would make the answer much more appropriate.
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Book Reports / George Orwell's Animal Farm Essay (active voice, little forms of be, present) [3]

I think this essay does demonstrate that you have a secure grasp for writing and the English language.

What was the prompt, though?

If it was to give a summary of the story, then I think you succeeded. But if it was to expound on the references to dictatorial and communistic ruling, then I think you could improve. I would focus less on the specific incidences that occur and more on the overarching themes of the novel and how these incidences contribute to them instead (if this is indeed the prompt).
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Why I chose to major in Nursing" - Help on a cause and effect thesis [6]

Though I find the opening line intriguing and a sound thesis with evidence to support it, various spelling and syntactical errors distract from the message greatly. High school should be separated into two words. Something should have an "e" and pursue should be spelled with a "u". Also, I don't believe it is necessary to capitalize nursing.

The "Rewarding as a career as that is" line is a bit awkward. I would try something like, "Though this career was extremely rewarding, I have longed for an even more fulfilling profession."

The last line, too, I think should be rewritten. If you were to leave it as it is, you should hyphenate the "better-late-than-never" phrase. I think this would look strange, so I would rewrite the entire sentence to get rid of it.

Hope that this helps!
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Lehigh University Admissions Officer letter ("I anxiously wait for my decision") [4]

I think this letter definitely shows that you are passionate about the university, but at times it may seem a bit histrionic and desperate. Also, you may want to condense it by ridding some unnecessary lines that merely repeat what has already been said.

At the beginning, I would say "while I was deferred" rather than "while the result was a deferral." Where it says "the reason I applied," I would instead say "I applied to Lehigh because." You may also want to conjoin the last two sentences of the first paragraph: "I got a feeling that I got at no other college campus Lehigh gave me a feeling unlike any other university--one of unity and school pride, and that is something that is very important to me I find extremely important.

The first line ofthe second paragraph may sound a bit overdramatic, as does calling yourself an underdog. The rest of that paragraph I think effectively shows your interest (although I might rewite the last line).

Include a comma after "next two months" in the third paragraph. The line after that seems a bit redundant. And the line asking the admissions officer to contact you may appear a bit unusual although I know your intentions are good.

I hope this helps! I'm in the same boat with you. I was deferred from my top choice as well.
kyledb17   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / the Student Senate - Short Answers -USC Application Questions [3]

I think the first sentence sounds a bit awkward. Perhaps something like, "Becoming a part of the student body at College of the Redwoods was a significant turning point in my life."

Then, the second sentence includes a lot of good information, but the structure isn't quite right. The "was a priceless and thrilling experience" should be changed so that it matches the first part (from...to).

Also, I believe "insight into" sounds more accurate than "insight of." Put something like "helped me" in front of "decide" too. The "it" in the last sentence may also be a bit ambiguous. Try "the experience" or something similar.

Hope this helps!
kyledb17   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm Living on a Jet Plane" - Am I Conveying Anything About Myself? [4]

This is an essay I wrote for Columbia's "Write an essay that conveys a sense of who you are" prompt. I would really appreciate some insight. Basically, I'm not very good at writing about myself and I'm not sure if it conveys who I am. Thanks in advance!

I'm Living on a Jet Plane

The world looks strikingly different when you're flying 30,000 feet above it. Buildings that seemed so imposing from below appear small and harmless. Winding roads that led to nowhere instead look practical and organized. And natural wonders you never knew existed unveil themselves from behind obstacles the ground provides for your vision. When you're flying above the earth, you see it in an entirely different light. But had you never left the ground, you never would have known what you were missing.

I arrived in Spain for my exchange program with the naivety that most Europeans associate with Americans. I confidently strutted off the airport bus with my massive traveler's backpack-equipped with water holders and a secret compartment for my until-recently unmarked passport-and began an initial assessment of my home for the summer. Though I had anticipated differences between the US and Spain, I had not expected to feel so overwhelmed by them. My native English was nonexistent, buildings looked old and unkempt, and everybody had cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. But what struck me the most was the abundance of graffiti wherever I looked. It covered the street-level facades of every building I saw, even on the 30-minute walk to my new home. It was inescapable.

This first impression left me extremely disconcerted. In my mind, graffiti and delinquency were synonymous. I spent the first few days of my summer abroad constantly on guard. My eyes darted about as I walked through the streets to school. I treated every passing stranger with suspicion. And to think I put myself in that position! I regretted the years of hard work and research I had invested to make the trip possible. My only desire was to get home safely.

However, I had no alternative but to ignore my apprehensions and immerse myself in the culture of Granada. And amazingly, after doing so, nothing suggested to me any abnormal amount of criminal behavior. I began to frequent the streets with my new school friends no matter what time of day it was. I ate at restaurants whose appearances would initially have turned me off. I felt surprisingly safe. Still, I hadn't reconciled the conflicting interpretations I had of the city. I finally spoke with one of my Spanish friends about my confusion.

He laughed at first, apparently never having considered a connection between graffiti and crime as I had. Instead, he regarded street art with the utmost respect. He even considered it to be as venerable as artwork in the Louvre. To him, it demonstrated the city's vivacity and modernity. It suggested nothing of danger.

I found the differing connotations of graffiti between us greatly intriguing. I realized that when I arrived in Granada, I judged the city unfairly. I assumed my beliefs were applicable no matter where I was and didn't account for any cultural variance or differences. Essentially, I came with a closed mind that had to be forced open. This realization led me to begin questioning other assumptions I had made in life and ultimately changed the way I interpreted the world around me.

Spain was the plane that lifted me off the ground to a higher viewpoint. The relationships I made and the diversity I experienced were the windows through which I looked and saw the world in a new light. The experience helped me truly internalize the value of an open mind. It motivated me to seek constant exposure to different ideas and beliefs so that I may develop more valid interpretations of my surroundings. It flew me out of my narrow ways of seeing and thinking and took me to a place I never want to leave.
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