Undergraduate / Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy [5]

Thomas Edison said: "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration". I say success is the same. Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative. My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club to complete my community-service hours. The experience I gained from organizing fundraisers and charity events surprisingly triggered interest. As events flew by, I desired more than community-service hours; I desired to contribute . As the current Communications/External Affairs executive for VIP, working with organizations such as the Heart and Stroke Foundation, the Canadian Cancer Society and the Toronto Foundation for Student Success (TFSS) has given me valuable experience applicable to the world of commerce. In events such as the TTC Coin Challenge, I showed leadership. I effectively notified the TTC, the TFSS and my school regarding event plans, promoted volunteer opportunities (email, announcements, posters), and supervised the 113 participating students who helped raise $2000 to decrease student poverty in Toronto.

The sudden thirst for involvement in my community fuelled my contributions in other clubs in school . As a sophomore, I fell in love with music and became a devoted writer for my school newspaper, CORE, and magazine, Enigma. Seeing students walk down hallways with my work, frantically skimming through my sections, covering sports, finance and world news, brought me joy. Musically, I formed my own band, musical Youtube channel, joined the Guitar Ensemble, Full Choir and Gospel Choir and performed in numerous school music events. Currently, I am taking piano and vocal lessons to expand my realms as musician.

In a short time, I have whole-heartedly developed commitment in becoming an engaged contributor in my community. If I am accepted, this commitment will not only extend to the Rotman community, it will strengthen. Rotman will offer me a goldmine of learning opportunities and will morph me into an active, educated and motivated young man who can tackle any challenge and succeed in the world of commerce.

I currently stand at 326 words. Any suggestions to cut this down?

The red font are changes made btw.

Thanks

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy [5]

That sounds very logical :)

I will make those changes soon and post them up

Essays / To write an essay regarding attitude [8]

Yes I agree that you should start brainstorming first. Collect your ideas through whatever language you want. Know what you want to include in your essay and try your best to write.

Undergraduate / Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life [4]


If I was you, I would clearly state what responsibilities you were in charge of. I think that it is important to expand on what you have done to the family and how that is leadership. Also, show how you have grown and gotten better as a leader (universities want to see growth.)

All in all, your essay pretty impressive, but can be improved.

Please edit my essay on leadership if you can :)

Undergraduate / University of Western - Ivey - university admission essay - Leadership Potential [3]


That is true as well. I sort of wanted to start off my essay with a interesting sentence, but I see the validity in your argument.

And yes, being new on here i will try my best to help others too :)

Thank you!